Socialization- Need Advice

[angel2write]

Really, the best part of this thread is just feeling like someone is backing me up in saying "NO." I've needed that... my ability to say no to people is still pretty wobbly.

 

[KP the nut]

my ability to say no to people is still pretty wobbly.

I think for me, it comes down to wanting to please everyone. Something I've tried and failed at my whole life. A sort of if I do as they want/ask, they will like me.

Even deeper, if I don't do as they want/ask, they will leave and abandon me. I'd guess that goes back to both my Dad and later my sister disappearing.

Maybe at 51, I need to realise if people go, that is there choice and not down to me - it is hard though.

((HUGS)) to all who struggle saying no.

 

[Belle]

OMG I am laughing so much :roflmao: in a nice way!
But Angel my Q is 'how do you do all that stuff in the first place never mind the shed load more that is being asked of you?'

"surely you're joking!" "what part of "no" don't you understand?" and "F**k No." Practice makes perfect!

Ha ha ha ha, great advice!

My mom had a friend, when I was growing up, who used to take every Tuesday off to read. All day from after lunch until dinner time (which they ate out that night). Sacrosanct. "I can't, its my reading day." She made exceptions for making lunch for her children until they could make their own pbj's. Then not even for that. No one seemed to suffer much that I can recall.:tup:

Yes everyone needs a reading day.

((((Angel)))) I think maybe if you read that list back to ppl they will see that there is no space whatsoever for more! Plus who wants a free pumpkin or hay ride? But I am British so I would have some kinda sarcastic comment. I don't think it is anything wrong here with you, I think you need to 'have a reading day' too.

 

[maddog]

I think that intense approval seeking and trying to please others is sadly typical of children from abusive upbringings. Herman writes about this beautifully in "Trauma and Recovery", talking about the child internalising the belief that if only she can be good enough, compliant enough, smart and pleasant and wonderful enough etc, her parents will love her. In this way, it is somehow within her control to win their affection, if only she tries hard enough...

I relate painfully to this phenomena, and it has been a tripwire at my ankels for a long long time, maybe now more than ever.

And it is interrelated with the ability/strruggle to enforce others' behavioural boundaries and to be assertive and to advocate for oneself... it all seems so overwhelming at times.

I did love the sample scripts posted here though. It's sad, for me anyway, to think that Ineed to pre-prepare such responses, but for now I know I do, because they don't come easily or spontaneously, or at all a lot of the time.

I hope that some day I can speak with confidence in saying "no" when I mean it, "yes" when I want it, and"I don't need to explain" when I don't need to explain. If only I could gain my own approval, then perhaps I wouldn't feel I need so much of it from others.

Maddog

 

[angel2write]

talking about the child internalising the belief that if only she can be good enough, compliant enough, smart and pleasant and wonderful enough etc, her parents will love her. In this way, it is somehow within her control to win their affection, if only she tries hard enough...

Yes! I've recognized that and even written about it before, but didn't recognize it in this context. Thank you Maddog. You are so sweet, as always.

(hugs)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, my name is SOL and I'm an introvert, too.

TBH, I hate the perception that there's something wrong with us if we're not über social.

I finally gained self-acceptance in this realm when my therapist told me that I, as an introvert, am re-energized by my solo time, whereas extroverts are re-energized by others. It means nothing less, nothing more. How I interpret this is that I am truly a "party for one"... I make my own fun and don't have a need, rather dependence on others for my excitement in life. And more importantly, it doesn't mean I'm an asocial hermit!

So long/short, there's nothing wrong with you, OR the level of your social life.

 

[anni]

Yes, my T said something similar to me, with how people regenerate energy. He also said that 1 in 4 of us do best when out antenae are now always having to field way too much 'stuff' thrown at us by everyone else. It's not good or bad, it's just a 'thing'.

This sort of thing really is kind of a problem for parents out here, allllll the things one is expected to launch your kids into with the vague feeling that otherwise perhaps you're not doing your job. I'm on number 4 of 4, he's 13 and the eldest is 32. Ahem. One of the smartasses figured out for me by the time the 13 year old graduates I'll have done 20 years of soccer concession stand duty. That's an awful lot of flacid hotdogs and barely opaque cocoa. With each one of the 4 kids, there's been a new batch of incredibly energenic, enthusiastic soccer moms, PTO parents, Sunday School/Youth Group leaders, Community Youth Coordinators, and my favorite, the 'POGS'- parents of gifted children who didn't so much wish to form a helpful group as they did wish to have parades thrown for their astonishing offspring. By number 4, I let the 13 year lead on where he'd like to invest his time, then I sigh, bake some brownies and have at it.

I don't know when these people are ever, ever home, if you think about it. If there's something to get out to every, single night, sometimes 2 a night, when is there time for the family unit and peace for everyone? That really is what enabled me to begin saying 'No', around when number 2 started looking seedy around the edges from too much fun. No, it was zero fun for me either, with not-alot inclination to rub elbows with that inexhaustible font of enthusiasm and good intentions. They are too- the intent is beautiful with all this, it's just that the intent with having everyone always always in attendance is not that beautiful.

All the posts here got there with absolutely zero help from me however, and said much more in greater depth. I've just been there over the years, and whew- hope you know after all this processing the whole 'no' thing is way more than just 'ok'.

 

[KP the nut]

My mom had a friend, when I was growing up, who used to take every Tuesday off to read. All day Sacrosanct.

I have started this, Tuesdays in my diary are now blank. I have marked myself unavailable for community driving and I only leave the house to walk the dogs. The rest of the time I potter, laze in bed or watch a DVD.

I sometimes cook supper because I enjoy it or H is happy to cook:inlove:.

I can recommend it.

 

[sea]

'POGS'- parents of gifted children ... parades thrown for their astonishing offspring...

I have to admit, I laughed. :rolleyes: POGs indeed. Ahem. :cautious: