Relationship Soldier Withdrew From You When He Got Home

[Saec]

HollyB thank you so much... I really appreciate you guys taking the time to post. I know this forum is about the sufferers but it helps to be able to work out our own issues too. It's been helping me alot.

I've spent the better part of tonight talking to another ex (who is now only a very good friend...we had to go thru alot to get there) who has been trying to help me figure out my issues with space. I did it with him too. Years ago. Didn't have texting then so I would just call and call.... Even drove 1200 miles to show up to his house one day. And it was the same exact feeling.... Just let me get there and explain myself. In hindsight I'm like, he doesn't want to talk to you or answer your calls, but you honestly think he's gonna be happy you showed up at his house? And I swear if I had the money I prob would have thought about doing it now in this situation.

I honestly feel like its a form of self-sabotage. I've had 3 major relationships and have done the same thing with all 3. And ALWAYS when I don't feel like I have control over what's happening. The first time was when I was 16. My friend is helping me to understand my triggers, teaching myself to listen to the alarm bell in my head...am I feeling out of control at the moment? Am I getting that anxious feeling to be heard? And then to do the OPPOSITE of what I want to do at that moment. The thing is I almost always regret it after I do it.... The trick is to wait long enough until the desire to do something passes and then instead of feeling regret I can feel relief.

My friend told me that when I used to smother him in the past it was annoying, but it never made him hate me and it never hurt him. And I'm still friends with my other ex that I was with at 16. So it seems like over time they forgive me. But I asked friend his opinion on whether he thinks my soldier ex will ever come around and want to talk to me one day and forgive me for not backing off. He says he doesn't think so.... That even though we fell for each other during afghan for a few months, those memories may be replaced with the ones after he got here and what happened once we were together, maybe canceling out the other ones. I guess in other words, not invested enough to want to forgive or reach out to me. That hurts alot.

 

[smogmonster]

I've written my guy soooo many draft emails, and just kept them to myself. I think if I pestered him, I'd end up pushing him away. I get my immediate thoughts out via those never-sent draft emails

Yeah, I do that a lot. It gets the thoughts out and helps prevent me from over-communicating. Our communication in general is a lot better since I started doing that with my sufferer earlier this year. I have about 20 drafts in there currently, so need to clean it out soon...

 

[Dallas]

He told me that maybe I should write it down and ask him in a few months because he can't talk to me right now. Still says emotions and feelings are too hard to deal with and that he does not know what happened. He told me to stop trying to figure out what happened in his head.

when I annoy him enough he responds ( be it angrily) to my texts.

Can I ask why you keep texting him when he's repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly (from your own posts), asked you not to, and has asked to wait a few months before contacting him?

I'm not even him and I'm getting frustrated reading about you ignoring his repeated requests for you to not talk to him and leave him alone, and to contact him in a few months. You keep trying to figure out what happened to your relationship, to benefit you. You're not respecting his needs. It's actually disrespectful to him, IMHO.

if I text him to tell him I'm sorry for not leaving him alone, then I'm not leaving him alone.

Even drove 1200 miles to show up to his house one day.

Oy vay!!!! My head hurts from just reading this!!! Saec-you are making these guys your idol and worshiping them and using them to fill a deep void in your own life. That is not fair to them and very dangerous and extremely unhealthy for you. I would work on developing your own life before entering a relationship with anyone (ptsd related or not)...How did you get time off from your job to show up at some guys house 1200 miles away?Oy vay.... that is not healthy...

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Saec]

Please let me first say that I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And you can see from most of my posts that I usually thank those for their opinions even if they are harsh. However I do not understand the need to take a group of my phrases from different posts, lump them together and then repost them to tell me what I did wrong when I have already acknowledged in an earlier post that I know I was wrong. AND that with a friends help I am now trying to figure out why I have done these things and am working in ways to stop myself when I get the urge to do them.

When I said I drove 1200 miles to a guys house, it was a boyfriend of several years. I had recently moved away for work and the distance took a toll on us. We were very young and didn't know how to deal with things correctly. We broke up over the phone and he wouldn't take my calls. In hindsight now I realize it made no sense to drive there but I was heartbroken and confused. He is a very good friend of mine these days and had even told many times that he was a jerk back then and understands that I wanted answers.

I don't idol worship anyone. I have loving normal relationships. I am able to be myself in them and I don't lose sight of that. It is only when things go bad ( like they sometimes do in relationships) do I get clingy and try to hold on, because as I have said, I feel out of control of the situation and feel the need to get them to understand my side of things. I try to save the relationship by holding on too tight.

This does not make me unhealthy or trying to fill a deep void. it makes me an emotionally vulnerable person who is easily hurt. I was very close to someone for awhile that changed his entire demeanor in one day. that would have an emotional toll on anyone. But my posts haven't been me trying to get him back and not understanding what I've done. They have been me accepting that i pushed him away and didn't give him space, and am bettering myself to find out why i did those things. And unfortunately while working through this i do still wonder why it happened because it does hurt when someone you care about pulls away.

I love with my whole heart. I don't get into relationships casually and I don't give my heart away easily unless I feel someone is worth it. I am struggling to come to terms with what happened because I believed in this person. I just ask you to have some compassion in realizing that this is a hard situation to deal with, but I am trying the best that I can.