Relationship Someone Please Help Me... Losing My Girlfriend To Ptsd

[j4mes]

Hey buddy was just flicking through the internet to help me deal with the break up from my girlfriend, which came completely out of the blue.

We have been together for 3 months and I have known her for 14 years so we have had a lot in common. Now... she told me she had mental health problems having had a break down and that she was suffering from PTSD which she was having therapy for. She has mentioned the possibility of an assault and has huge anxieties towards men but she only gave me little bits the rest I had to make up myself. I told her I was OK with it and how best can I support, shall I just carry on being there for you and you guide me to what it is you need and how I can help? So everything has been fantastic, intimacy great, spent lots of time together at weekends, quite restaurants, bars, holding her hand and making her feel safe, truly loved up and making future plans. So I have just took her away for the weekend to a nice hotel but we had to come back early because she said she was missing her kids and I think she said she didn't feel safe? So I brought her home without complaint and she was fine. During the night she came to bed much later than me, was very distant, so I suggested I would go home. She told me the next day over the phone she needed some space and I have heard nothing from her for days, not replying to my texts or calls nothing???????

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Arun, what's your relationship like with your family? What was your childhood like?

I don't know if you'd be into it but I recommend you get some psychotherapy for yourself, not because you're the problem. I don't believe you've done anything wrong.

I think you're very kind...

Without knowing the entire story, I think the only way you're going to understand all of what you're going through is to sit with someone once a week for a short time where you can release all of this stuff and get his/her perspective. PTSD supporters can end up getting PTSD from running around aimless trying to fight the war that the sufferer doesnt even know how to fight. You cant fix it for us by understanding, walking on egg shells, etc. Only we can fix it. We sufferers can pull our supporters into the trauma with us and effect them greatly, especially when we aren't in treatment ourselves.

Come here any time though. You can start a journal in the supporter section or post and get support.

If I may be frank with you for a moment? I get the feeling that you are somehow feeding your own need to rescue...I could be wrong and it is not to say that you shouldn't love this girl or be with her. All I am saying is that it may be worth it to figure that stuff out about yourself, to have a professional give you the support you need and help you set some healthy boundaries in the process.

It's just that you sound like you really love her. I am all for relationships, but you need to understand that you can't do this alone. Loving someone is not enough. That goes for all relationships. PTSD or not. If you want this to have the possibility of working out, things will have to change. You'll need to educate yourself about her condition, yes, but its also imperative to protect your own life and emotions. If you let this PTSD cause you to give up your whole life, your self, etc...it will and it won't be pretty.

It sounds like this guy has real power over her. I am all for helping people, but you must help yourself first! I know that men, by nature, are problem solvers. My hubby is like you. If he can't see it, beat it up, take it to the river and dump it...he goes bat crazy! He thinks if he buys me gifts, reassures me over and over, changes himself and the way he responds, or walks on Egg shells around me that it will fix me. I've had to tell him numerous times to stop trying to change himself because I love him just the way he is. I've had to tell him over and over to stop changing how he responds and to stop walking on egg shells. Consistency and safety in a supporter is key. If he lets my PTSD run him over, it will!

Nobody can fix me but me and it is my job to treat my disorder. It is my job to change how I respond to my triggers. It is not fair to treat other people that way no matter which incurable thing ails someone. I never want him to enable me in my disorder because then it wins. I'm not saying you gotta show tough love or detach with love because that's not for everyone. I know that doesn't work for me anyway. I'm just suggesting you take a step back and come at the situation with a healthier perspective, take care of yourself and set boundaries.

I really hope that helps you?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

By the way....my husband and I were in a similar situation several years back. We have been married for 1 year, in a relationship for 3 years next February...we have been friends for almost 8 years.

Several years ago, before we started dating...I was in a relationship with a Sociopath. My husband stuck by, as a friend while I went to hell and back. He waited patiently. He set boundaries on his personal life but didn't hesitate to recommend I read The Sociopath Next Door which ultimately led to my escape. He didn't try to be my rescuer. He didn't try to be my father either. He also didnt jump every time I cried 911! Instead, he educated me, listened to my pain, encouraged me to consider my options, talked me through my rationalizations, encouraged my independence, encouraged me to grow spiritually and into becoming more self aware. He challenged me to think for myself and wasn't afraid to get mad at me when I was being irrational.

His constance and witnessing him carrying on in the midst of my chaos made me want to work hard to heal and become the best me that I could be.

That's what love is. That's what a soulmate is in my opinion.

 

[arun2391]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, StrongerNow.

I've booked an appointment with a clinical psychologist for tomorrow and will see what she says.

It's just incredibly hard for me at the moment because she's just shut me out completely. Deleting me from Facebook etc. I honestly feel she only wants me to be happy and that she still cares. She doesn't want to burden me with all this.

I'm sure she knows that I care.

As hard as it may be, I'm going to just stay strong and positive and leave her be. Give her the space she needs. If it is truly meant to be, I know that she will one day try to make contact with me again.