Something Has To Give

[lucius.beach]

I was in the Military for just about 10 years. I spent two tours in Iraq and left the Military in 2011 due to an agreement between my wife and I that it was very hard on her and our then year and a half old daughter. Upon my agreement to move back into the civilian world I was actually optimistic to have more time being a father and husband and being around the household more.

About six months after I was discharged my PTSD and Anxiety started to kick in. No warning, just full fledged hit me like a freight train. Due to my second tour in Iraq, I was speaking over Skype with my wife and daughter when mortar rounds started dropping on my housing area. I thank god I wasn't hurt, but I am equally horrified that my wife and young daughter witnessed the entire thing over webcam.

Everyday I suffer the issues and thoughts that something is dropping out of the sky and going to land on me or my family. I have a hard time leaving my home and associating with friends and other relatives as I once use to do, but I shake and worry the entire time and the anxiety of waiting for something that probably isn't going to happen to happen.

This causes me to not respond or think straight most of the time, and it can make me moody, which in turn turns into irritable lashes towards my wife and children, which in turn turns into them being worried to come around me in the thought of it might upset me.

I do not like being this way, and the Zoloft the VA prescribed me doesn't actually work, even with increased dosages. Counseling doesn't help either, I have tried many different times with many different therapists, even a group once.

I am hoping being a member of this site, and a member of mycombatptsd as well, will start soothing me being in contact with you fine folks with similar anguishes.

Something definitely has to give, I miss the outdoors, and I want my family to know I love them and want them around. Even in my calm moods if I tell them that, it is hard for them to understand and trust that, and I don't blame their uneasiness over it.

Anyway, if you read this, thank you, I am not the greatest writer, but it feels good just to write it out.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes you are a very good writer @lucius.beach . There are many threads i the forum & kind, compassionate members who can help guide you along. Hope you find peace & comfort & improved communication & understanding with your family also.

Welcome to you.

 

[lucius.beach]

Thank you for your kind words and support @Junebug it is highly appreciated.

 

[Tinyflame]

You're very welcome. :) Good for you to post. It will be ok @lucius.beach .

 

[Changing4Best]

I think it is important for you to have a TRAUMA Specialist as your therapist. This makes the therapy (if you stay through the whole schedule of it) work for you, whereas other forms of therapy may not have done so, nor will they in the future.

Yes, it is hard to live with PTSD, and the therapy may not be easy at first either, but the alternative of being like this for the rest of your life is not a good one!

 

[lucius.beach]

@SheilaKathy I am not against therapy or seeing it through. I have yet to consult a TRAUMA Specialist. I will do so. Thank you.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, therapy geared toward PTSD specifically, by a therapist trained in techniques to handle PTSDness, is very important. I'm glad that you know this now.

 

[WillyKat]

Welcome to the forum!

Agree with other posters about getting a psychologist that specializes in this stuff. The right shrink can make all the difference. The first shrink I ever saw was a 20 minute disaster. I had to walk out after he asked only one question over and over: "what do you want?" Moron.

The next one wasn't much better, but I was also uneducated about how shrinks are supposed to be. Worked with him for about a year, and didn't really get much out of it.

Ten years later, I found a good one and it made a huge difference.

You also mentioned that you miss the outdoors. I know having a family makes it difficult to get out, but if you can swing it, get out there. I've done a great deal of healing in the wilderness. I often go alone and lately have fasted for 1 to three days while there. Mind blowing. I recently published a book about it.

Anyhow, I *think* that much of the anger is our effort to say "can't you see!!" And the fact is they can't. They can't know the trauma you experienced, nor would you really want them too. You're trying to communicate how traumatic it was for you, but what they see isn't that message; it's just anger. I'm of the opinion that anger is the other side of the coin from fear/trauma. I apologize for rambling. I guess what I'm saying is that what is often described as anger may in fact be fear. At least it's worth thinking about. Dealing with the fear my remove the fuel from the fire.

There's a book I've heard of recently, written by another vet. It's a children's book called Why is Dad so Mad? You might want to check it out. Also, former SEAL Eric Greitens book Resilience might be a good read for you. It's based on a series of emails he sent to a former comrade of his that was dealing w/ PTSD.

Hope that helps.

 

[Sighs]

I second @WillyKat re the children's book. My dad has combat PTSD and it would have helped as kids to understand that he wasn't angry because we were bad kids.

If possible find a therapist who specialises in combat PTSD. I think its a slightly different animal to PTSD caused by other forms of trauma. My vet (my partner not my dad - yes I see the pattern ;)) has only one therapist that he has felt comfortable with and he treats nothing but combat PTSD and has done for 20 years. We moved interstate partly to be within driving distance from him.

The fact that you are aware of it and want to improve your ability to manage your symptoms is huge. Is your wife on this site too? It might help her to chat to other supporters to better understand what you and she are going through.

 

[Deleted member 30639]

First off, thank you for defending those of us back home and for giving up the relative comfort of home to ensure that we have our freedom. I am in awe of people who run towards problems, risking PTSD or worse in the process for the good of the group. Thanks for doing that. I'm sorry this has been your reward so far, and I pray that you and your family will be blessed despite this time of darkness.

I also think doing something that is best for your family is high on the respect meter as well.

It's not that combat PTSD is a totally different animal so much as healing/exit of the burn of the wound occurs along the same trajectory as the entry. So with each person's trauma, there is a uniqueness.

It sounds so much like that phone call is a hot spot. Having your loved ones "there with you digitally and emotionally" in an unexpected moment when the attack was loudest and worst, partly due to their presence, makes sense that it would cause PTSD. With PTSD, hot spots often involve feeling unable to control a traumatic time in which someone precious was involved, multiplying the stress emotionally.

You may be one of the lucky ones for whom this passes and is not chronic. Don't try to reason your way out, rather feel your way out of perceived danger, is my advice at present.

 

[Sighs]

@Everglade - in fairness I said

a slightly different animal

rather than

a totally different animal

;)

The reason I say that is best summarised in the line from the film Michael Collins where Liam Neesan's character says something like "I don't hate them for what they do to me. I hate them for what they make me do to them." Often combat PTSD involves coming to terms with what a vet did or was prepared to do to others. I think that gives it another dimension to civilian trauma. Diane England in her book refers to vets having 'soul wounds". Having a therapist who gets that is a huge help.

 

[SnowJo]

Glad you found this place, lots of great people in here. including you.