Relationship Space - I Need It But He Resents It

[Lost Again]

Hi all,

My bf suffers from PTSD from a car accident. He works really hard on it and manages now not to be violent but still suffers from so much confusion in his head. In his state of upsetness, he can be somewhat rude and complicated. Lately he has been unfairly questioning my child's behaviour/my parenting skills (which I think he is doing because he's irritated inside and wants to externalize it by starting an argument with me ) and making me his last priority because he feels I don't like him as much as he likes me (sigh).

As much as I have learned to be patient and understanding, sometimes I just want space from him when he's going through his stuff. And I hope when he gets it together, he can come back and apologize for his behaviour and ultimately, for not being there for me as a partner. He feels that "if am not there for him when he's down, I don't deserve to be there for him when he is well". He doesn't seem to understand how much I have to tolerate to be with him. On top of this I am pregnant with his child.

Yesterday I called him on his rudeness matter a factly. And I said good night. I did not start an argument, I just went to do other things. I was expecting him to wake up this morning and call me to apologize. Instead, he deleted me from blackberry chat. Instead of getting upset, I sent a request to be reinstated, he denied the request (c'mon). I sent him an email "hope your ok, honey", but no response.

I know if I keep calling him, we will talk and sort things out, only to return back to this in a few hours (because he is going through an episode). I want to not contact him and let him contact me when he gets his stuff together. I am sure its the PTSD, but it also reaks of immaturity and self-centredness.

Should I engage or disengage until he contacts me?

Hoping to get advice from those who know who to deal with PTSD sufferers who act like this. Thanks,

 

[Lost Again]

gosh, now he's also deleted me as a facebook friend. It's so unreasonable. We are having a baby in 4 months. Just two days ago he was asking to marry me. Is this the kind of behaviour carers should be understanding of or is this unnacceptable?

 

[amethist]

It sound like he is a bit of a down state Maybe, and needs his space. It could also be that his "Stress Cup" is full and over flowing too.

Good stress, {you being pregnant with his child} and bad stress is a bit too much for him at the moment and he needs to get his head round everything as it is now. giving him his space will help this.

If you read the following linked thread, it just might explain it to you a bit more.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960[/DLMURL]

Taking good care of yourself, should be your priority right now, letting him take care of what he needs. sounds tough I know, but that is how it has to be sometimes.

Amethist

 

[Bilby]

He works really hard on it and manages now not to be violent but still suffers from so much confusion in his head.

Is he getting specialist help for his PTSD?

he can be somewhat rude and complicated. Lately he has been unfairly questioning my child's behaviour/my parenting skills

My husband can be rude and complicated also - there are times where I truly do not understand where he is coming from with things that he is saying. I have also found there to be quite a few parenting issues with regard to my two children (his two step-children).

Yesterday I called him on his rudeness matter a factly. And I said good night. I did not start an argument, I just went to do other things.

Honestly? Well done. I made the mistake of entering into arguments (in fact I began to start them and become aggressive myself) rather than walking away. I think you have done well to handle the situation as you did - it does show that you've set some boundaries and that being spoken to rudely isn't something that you will tolerate.

I have to acknowledge that saying nasty things seems to be par for the course, as hard as it is. There are some things that I know I will never forget, that my husband has said to me and I do struggle with that. He is well aware of how hurtful they were to me though - I made that very clear.

On top of this I am pregnant with his child.

My husband's PTSD got worse during my pregnancy too (we have a 4 month old) and on top of everything you're dealing with, with just being pregnant, it is very hard work. I completely sympathise with you - and it is a VERY good reason why you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.

Some things that I have come to learn are just how important being assertive is (for both parties), and also the importance of boundaries. I hope that these are things that you and your partner can talk about when things settle down.

B x

 

[Lost Again]

Thanks so much for your response. We seem to have many similar circumstances. My bf is in therapy twice a week and was diagnosed about 7 weeks ago. What a relief. If it wasn't for the diagnosis, I don't think we would still be together (assuming we are still together right now lol). Before the diagnosis, we broke up many times because of the horrible names he would call me when he would feel threatened by unfounded jealousy. I agree, it's impossible to forget the things they have said and done. He promised not to yell and call me names again and so far has kept his promise since the diagnosis.

It’s so hard to keep my patience with him. He’s hard work to love. When he’s in a good state he would give me the world; but when he’s not feeling good, he can be a real let down. It’s hard not to feel resentment at the end of the day when you have done everything you can to try to make him feel secure and loved, have shown tolerance and patience, and are alone and pregnant in a messy house because he suddenly had to leave.

I have a 5 year old that is not his own daughter but she thinks he’s fantastic. It really bothers me that we are not consistent for her. I don’t know how you deal with this with your children, I’m wondering if i should explain to her that he has “problems” and can’t always be around or just keep making up excuses. She was the apple of his eye for the last 7 months, then all the sudden he seems to have issues with her guised as issues with my parenting. And only when he’s going through something. And even though these are private conversations between him and I, it’s totally unacceptable that he would suddenly start targeting her. It’s a huge insult after all we have done to accommodate his condition.

Did your husband suddenly improve after your child was born? I worry a newborn will just stress my bf more, even though he is so excited.

 

[Bilby]

It’s hard not to feel resentment

I know. I most definitely know. I've used the word 'resent' many times. It's not so much that I resent my husband - experiencing multiple traumas and having PTSD was not something of his choice. But I resent what it does to him, and our lives - and what it has also done to me and who I became as a result. It's as though the hopes and dreams you had for your future - the very way you saw things unfolding - has just vanished into thin air. And that is the sad reality - that things won't be as you once saw them - they will be different. That doesn't mean they will be awful - there will be ups and downs - but accepting that things will be different (indeed, our partner/husband is different) is probably part of the battle for us as a supporter. Once we can accept that things are indeed different, we can perhaps cope a little easier.

It really bothers me that we are not consistent for her. I don’t know how you deal with this with your children, I’m wondering if i should explain to her that he has “problems” and can’t always be around or just keep making up excuses.

I/We have not explained the nature of the beast to my children. To be honest, I'm not sure how to go about it. From what I can interpret, the children see him as being strict. Very strict and very particular. It was hard for them as he had shut out his traumas, until another one came along and triggered all those things to come flooding back (after we had been living together for 3 months). My children were used to being around a man who would show them some affection, hold conversation - just normal things - and they were understandably upset when he was hurt. After that last trauma, he changed quite dramatically and I know they do not understand why certain things are happening at times, but trying to explain things like this to children is difficult - but it is something that I really need to think about more.

I'm really glad that he is having therapy - it's an essential step for him to take. Have you got any support for yourself? I'm also glad that he has kept his promise about yelling etc - it's great that he is standing by his word.

Did your husband suddenly improve after your child was born? I worry a newborn will just stress my bf more, even though he is so excited.

Unfortunately, no. But the difference between our situations is that my husband didn't seek help until after our little bilby was born when things really came to a head. Like your boyfriend, he too was very excited and he doted on our little bilby, and still does. It is a part of his life that has brought him immense joy and a greater sense of purpose, and has certainly played a part in him getting help. But probably the biggest thing that made him seek help was the extent to which our relationship had deteriorated.

I would say to be prepared that he may get worse after your little one is born - there is a good explanation here about the "PTSD Cup" and how good stress (such as the birth of a much loved and wanted baby) can have an impact on sufferers of PTSD. I'll see if I can find the link. There is also a good book (I downloaded it onto the kindle) about PTSD and relationships - it's very good for supporters to read and it might be a good one for you?

 

[Bilby]

This is the book:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/book-reviews/the-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-relationship.3/[/DLMURL]

Also, check this thread out:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]