Speed (of) Dating And The Disclosure Of Ptsd

[bell]

@Solara restraining urge to make cheeky comment with the words "cow," "milk," and "free" in it here. ;) But... a) you know it's a problem, which is a good first step and b) at least you can get that far and don't actually start fighting them in disassociation, which is kinda the worst part for me, because it's so embarrassing. It's like a flip switches and I don't have any control of my body. I've only had 1 person be okay with it and help me work through it, which was really really kind and sweet.

go back to the 50's! Honestly

And yes! To the 50s it is! Where's the time machine?! 'll bring the poodle skirts and hair spray!

I see it as a boundary issue. I need to set better boundaries of what I will and will not accept. I need to set up my own timeline and stick to it. Don't put myself out there until I know the guys intentions. Don't get involved sexually without a commitment. I don't want the casual stuff. It's not fulfilling.

And yeah, fooling around has all the value of a Pop Tart. Fun, yet in an hour you're wondering why you thought that was a good idea. And a timeline sounds like a wonderful idea!

but to simply state ___ makes you feel anxious or something like that. I think the important thing is to communicate and if something makes you feel uncomfortable, then to speak up. How they react to that will speak volumes in my opinion.

I like it! Hmmm.... saying sometime before I flip out... How novel! :) (No, really, in my case, it would be novel if it happened, will have to try and see if things go better than in the past!)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@bell,

Yes, I avoided the "cow" reference as it has an air of sluttiness or promiscuity to it. I made him wait nine months before anything happened, so it was definitely not a matter of jumping in to something sexual right away. I really do hate the "cow" saying but alas it does ring true.

Then, on the other side of things, I think if I don't give in to the guys wants, he will label me a prude and things will go nowhere and I'll be rejected. But you know, this is a road I haven't traveled so I really do need to try it out, right?

As for the time machine, the easy part is getting a Delorean. The hard part is getting the flux capacitor. (Yes, I'm a HUGE back to the future fan. I think it's my favorite trilogy!)

Oÿ, I really need to get out of the current situation. He's already told me how he feels but I still hold on. I know why. I'm always trying to get people to love me. It's a result of how I was raised, always trying to be loved but never getting that love. It's like I'm trying to conquer my past.

 

[bell]

@stuff, yeah, moving into something slowly is like my dream. Getting treated like a person instead of a "momentary distraction?" Yep, swoonworthy! :) Sorry that you don't live in a place that makes it easy to meet people. That blows. I've lived in places like that and it's depressing to say the least!

@Solara Yeah, I think that after 9 months, said "milk" gets curdled, so you're okay in that department and it's definitely not slutty! ;) And, everytime I see a Delorean (all 2 times that it's happened in real life), my heart skips a beat a little... So rad! Telling someone how you really feel sucks the big one. I did that recently (tried to solidify a situation), but it triggered to me to no end, I ended up ruining a 6-year long friendship, which I'm still quite devastated about.

'm always trying to get people to love me. It's a result of how I was raised, always trying to be loved but never getting that love. It's like I'm trying to conquer my past.

Yeah, me, too. And when I get it, I don't understand what it is until they've proved themselves a billion times, which makes it even more confusing.... and they usually just get tired of me or think I'm too much trouble and bail. Blergh.

 

[Kintsugi]

Ladies, I don't mean to sound like an ice queen, but... Have you tried being ice queens? Cause it's worked out a lot for me. I've been in an abusive relationship, but a couple years later I sort of stopped giving a shit about what men wanted. I did kiss one guy once because he totally guilted me into it in a really unfair way, and it still haunts me as something I can never do again, but otherwise, I don't know... I think my experiences wound up teaching me that the more I told a guy I wasn't interested, go away, etc., the more appealing I became, and the more committed they were to chasing me. That was not a great thing all the time, because often I *really* meant that they should leave me alone and I was completely disinterested or I just wanted to be friends, and that was damaging to my trust issues, but as far as them dropping me in favor of a new pursuit? It only happened once, and I was glad it did, because I couldn't handle the amount of attention the boy in question was looking for.

I also have problems accepting that someone really likes me, so I wind up believing whole-heartedly that they don't until their courtship comes to such a level that I would have to be completely out of touch with reality not to see their commitment. I have a lot of trouble trusting men not to cheat on me or lie to me or whatever deception that proves they aren't as committed as I need them to be in order to feel comfortable associating with them OR there needs to be a mutual clause of non-commitment that they can understand I take seriously. i.e. (and this crap has happened to me more times than I care to review), they can't be possessive, jealous, or upset in general if I'm seeing someone else. Non-commitment doesn't mean you just can't call me your girlfriend. It means I do whatever I feel comfortable doing with whomever I feel comfortable doing it. End of discussion. And if you can't take the heat, get out of the damn kitchen.

Warning: being involved with multiple men but not "putting out" for any of them often results in you being called a whore, she-devil, and all manner if other ridiculous and nasty names. I have *only* ever been called such things when I've refused to be physical with men I'm "seeing," as in very casually spending time with.

Post script: sorry for the manifesto.

PPS: If you attempt this, do *not* let anyone buy their way to your commitment. It is a terrible standard and a guilt trip I've fallen into more than once. It is always bad. Always. You can take or reject gifts, but never put your affections into proportion with expenses. It was stupid of me to let occur.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@bell,

Yes, I do the same. I don't think I'm good enough so when a guy is interested, I think he must selfishly want something. But this continues even after he's proven to not be that way. And by then, he's kind of sick of it.

@MissAntiSunshine,

The ice queen thing is so true. Ignore a guy and he suddenly wants you more. I've been through this before and it ultimately feels like game playing. But, guys love a chase.

I'm finally getting over the last situation. Not texting him or calling him anymore and I think it's driving him nuts because every morning I wake up to "I want you" texts and missed calls. Gee, funny, just last week he told me that there would never be anything between us again. Really, I think I'm finally getting over it.

 

[bell]

Cause it's worked out a lot for me.

I do like trying things that have proven records, @MissAntiSunshine! Now just to find said dude..... Hmm.... *looks around*

I also have problems accepting that someone really likes me, so I wind up believing whole-heartedly that they don't until their courtship comes to such a level that I would have to be completely out of touch with reality not to see their commitment.

I do this, too! Sadly, by the time I finally figure it out, they're either sick of me or I've melted down so bad (which embarrassingly sometimes actually happens when I realize someone wants to stay with me. YIKES!) that they walk away. The problem with that being that once I've figured it out, my meltdowns don't actually occur (as much). So, they walk away when I'm ready (and finally okay) for things to be normal. Sigh. :(

I don't think I'm good enough so when a guy is interested, I think he must selfishly want something.

Oh dear, I do this, too. Like times a million. Even when I have melted down, proven that I don't have any money, am not hooking up with them and they're *still* staying, I'm like, "I know you want something from me!" But, again, once I finally get it, I get it. And by that point, they've usually gone.

I hate hate hate the part of me that is so terrified of something that I want so very bad. It makes me feel pathetic most days, but, thankfully, I get over myself on other days and push forward. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear bell, I totally relate to feeling like you do in your post #9.

I think PirateLady's posts #7 and #12 say everything. I couldn't agree more.

I've found the less I want to be asked out the more I'm asked out constantly. I also am constantly called 'sexy', which I'm not, think that's just inversely related to not sleeping with everyone, bizarre as that sounds. But that itself becomes a trigger, because the creeps always 'blamed me' that that it was 'my' fault, why they did what they did ('I' was the reason :( ). So an innocous compliment from anyone becomes like my own self-curse. :(

Go easy on yourself, be kind and not too serious. It entirely depends as PL said on who you choose to remain with. Average will not do. You are special. :) :hug:

 

[bell]

@Junebug, yeah, not getting physical with someone has caused some people to get either violent or going towards that direction, which also freaks me out, because I learned a long time ago that some people you just can't overpower and they will do what they want with you. And that gets embarrassing because when I sense violence I disassociate. Being called things like "sexy" from others give me the heebie jeebies, too, and sometimes entirely turns me off, instead having the opposite effect! Grrr.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, you have no idea how much it means to me! I've teared up at several of your posts because I've spent my whole life with people telling me I'm not trying hard enough at dating or not giving people enough chances or whatever, when the truth is, it about wipes me out entirely just to go on one stupid date. And as I get older it gets harder to explain why I'm like this, making me just want to become that crazy cat lady maybe I was born to be. ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@MissAntiSunshine,

I had to come back and comment on the ice queen thing. Yes, I've done that before, and it keeps guys in hot pursuit. BUT, the second I say "ok let's give it a go" ie stop running/ignoring, they lose interest. This is why I say it feels like game playing. Either way I can't win!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I'm a supporter and met my sufferer through online dating. After a few days of messaging, we discussed meeting and that is when he told me about his PTSD. He didn't go into massive detail, but wanted me to know and to have the option to 'run away' before we met. He came across as such a genuine guy, and I was really touched by his honesty.

Admittedly I didn't expect to be taking him to A&E two weeks after our first date, or again another four weeks later, or to spend every day for two weeks visiting him in a psychiatric unit within eight weeks of meeting him. But I did.

Don't give up, you never know who you may meet.

 

[bell]

@Solara, maybe the key here is to be a "Slushie Queen," i.e., not quite entirely icy? ;)

@MissAntiSunshine, you do make a good point. Perhaps being really icy might make my dive back into dating easier in a sense, because I'm not so focused on the "relationship" part?

@Purplemunchkin, your post made me tear up. How sweet are you?! We all should be so lucky to find someone as patient and kind as you. Before my diagnosis, dating was hard because I didn't know what was wrong with me. After my diagnosis, I've found it's also hard, because I have something that people (granted, they are uneducated about PTSD) are scared of. I'm glad that your relationship is working for you, but sorry to hear you had a bumpy beginning!