Spiraling down....I Need to Make it Stop!

[TTC18]

Thank you for this so much. It means a lot to me to actually feel recognized and appreciated. I often don't get to feel that way. That needs to stop too. I'm going to have to start showing people the very least I deserve is acknowledgement. I've started some parts work along with my EMDR and some spiritual type of healing as well....I'm thinking that marrying them together might help me stop doing some of this stuff. I certainly hope so. I'm reading and doing worksheets like crazy during my "free time". I don't want to be like this the rest of my life.

:hug: I'm so glad to hear that. You do so much deserve happiness. :) :)

 

[NaeNae75]

:hug: I'm so glad to hear that. You do so much deserve happiness. :) :)

Thank you so much! You do too, my dear! Thank you for being so kind and gentle with me.

 

[Mytime]

Hello beautiful lady. Sorry I missed this post until now. I’m happy to hear you made it to and from your
Tap test and that you don’t need surgery. You my friend are a strong, kind and loving person. What everyone here has said, is true. You deserve to be supported, loved and taken care of. You go out of your way to do the same for others. So please go out of your way to do the same for yourself, too. When that voice in your head try’s to tell you differently. Kick it’s ass out, you don’t need to listen to it’s lies. Sending hugs :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Really good to hear it wasnt at least that! :))
Lets hope you get to the bottom of it now. Dissocationation etc can be weird in my experience so you never know. Try to do loads of self care if you can.....

 

[TTC18]

Thank you so much! You do too, my dear! Thank you for being so kind and gentle with me.

:hug: :) Thank you :)

 

[Freida]

Just catching up -- wow. Just. wow.
The thing that hits me the hardest about his crappy behavior is I can see the appeal. Pull away from everyone, wallow in my isolation, feel like shit because of what emdr is digging up, get a roommate who doesn't want anything out of me except rent, just not stress about anything anymore. And truly - until I read how horrible this has been for you I honestly didn't think hubby would mind. I mean, who wouldn't want me to leave until I get my shit together? It makes perfect sense. I can come back when its over -- if it ever ends.

Then I read your thread and heard your pain and I thought to myself... holy crap Freida.... That could have been you doing this to someone. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT excusing his behavior. It just makes sense to me (good topic for my therapy I guess). Which means this really might not be about you at all.

I am really happy to hear you don't need the spine stuff, and damned annoyed he let you down. But I've also been in emergency services and it's not as easy to get time off as it is in the public sector (not making excuses, just most people don't realize how hard it can be to get a damn day off)

I don't have anything to offer other than you do not deserve this and he is a absolute idiot to push you away. I'm glad you are still going to therapy -- so you can live your own life and do your own healing. I know you have a lot going on right now -- remember to put your oxygen mask on first. You are not the families keeper. If you can't be there someone else will be. They will fuss and bitch but...they will deal with it if you don't. You do not owe anyone an explanation. And when they fuss at you? Ignore them. You have way to much on your plate already.

I'm so sorry things are going so wrong -- and hoping it will get better for you

 

[NaeNae75]

Hello beautiful lady. Sorry I missed this post until now. I’m happy to hear you made it to and from your
Tap test and that you don’t need surgery. You my friend are a strong, kind and loving person. What everyone here has said, is true. You deserve to be supported, loved and taken care of. You go out of your way to do the same for others. So please go out of your way to do the same for yourself, too. When that voice in your head try’s to tell you differently. Kick it’s ass out, you don’t need to listen to it’s lies. Sending hugs :hug:

Hello to you, my dear! I accept this from you, and I feel so very much the same for you! I have quite a few things planned for myself coming up here for a bit. This weekend I will be attending a yellow ribbon event near me with a new friend. Next weekend I'm heading down about 2 hours away in Illinois for a reiki/ chakra balancing women's retreat. The woman facilitating it has been a blessing to meet. Her insight on some things has been quite helpful. I have to figure out some vegan stuff to make and have it be keto friendly for myself, so it might get interesting. I'll bring some of my own food with too, so I can stay on my diet.
She has a book called Discover Your Master Chakra and her website is awakened by stephanie. I had a Skype session with her that was mind boggling helpful.
I'm also talking with a woman named Shakti Linda, that is a life coach type person that marries together psychology and spirituality. She's introduced me to some parts work and had also been a big source of support.
I'm working very hard on my own things and letting him be around, but not fretting he feels he needs to be in the background right now. I'm trying to let him see I can respect his wishes, but still be here to support him.
Thank you for your sweet, gentle words... they mean a lot to me!

 

[NaeNae75]

Really good to hear it wasnt at least that! :))
Lets hope you get to the bottom of it now. Dissocationation etc can be weird in my experience so you never know. Try to do loads of self care if you can.....

I have yet another neuro appointment on Monday. Then I've set up with a chiropractor and acupuncturist (my insurance is amazing and pays for all of it! ) I also will touch back with the T ti see what she has to say. I think I have a lot of work ahead... thank you for your continued support. You guys mean the world to me!

 

[NaeNae75]

:hug: :) Thank you :)

You're so very welcome, dear!

 

[NaeNae75]

Just catching up -- wow. Just. wow.
The thing that hits me the hardest about his crappy behavior is I can see the appeal. Pull away from everyone, wallow in my isolation, feel like shit because of what emdr is digging up, get a roommate who doesn't want anything out of me except rent, just not stress about anything anymore. And truly - until I read how horrible this has been for you I honestly didn't think hubby would mind. I mean, who wouldn't want me to leave until I get my shit together? It makes perfect sense. I can come back when its over -- if it ever ends.

Then I read your thread and heard your pain and I thought to myself... holy crap Freida.... That could have been you doing this to someone. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT excusing his behavior. It just makes sense to me (good topic for my therapy I guess). Which means this really might not be about you at all.

I am really happy to hear you don't need the spine stuff, and damned annoyed he let you down. But I've also been in emergency services and it's not as easy to get time off as it is in the public sector (not making excuses, just most people don't realize how hard it can be to get a damn day off)

I don't have anything to offer other than you do not deserve this and he is a absolute idiot to push you away. I'm glad you are still going to therapy -- so you can live your own life and do your own healing. I know you have a lot going on right now -- remember to put your oxygen mask on first. You are not the families keeper. If you can't be there someone else will be. They will fuss and bitch but...they will deal with it if you don't. You do not owe anyone an explanation. And when they fuss at you? Ignore them. You have way to much on your plate already.

I'm so sorry things are going so wrong -- and hoping it will get better for you

Yeah, I asked you so many questions on your thread because he's your long lost twin brother, lol! It's so funny to me that you understand his POV.

Yeah, the rest of us don't think that way, not in as grand of a scale at least. I'm glad it can open a different perspective for you in the safety of being outside your own experience. Seeing your side had helped me immensely to understand him better too. I'm glad for the reciprocity.

Oh yes, I realize his problem has very little to do with me; at least not present moment me. We texted quite a bit the last two days in QnA format, much like a thread on here, but personalized, lol. He spent a lot of time talking of conditioning from the past including our past arguments. I told him that I respect his answer, but I'm nowhere near that person anymore and asked if he'd like an introduction.

For example, part of his answer to the question of why he used to lie to me in the past was that he was intimidated by me because I can be volatile. His opinion of that was partially based on the time we stayed in Chicago and he "teased" me that I failed on my room choice because it was a non smoking room, then I was mad at him for 24 hours.
Mind you, I managed to get a corner suite at the JW Sheridan. The room was as big as my house! It had 2 bedrooms, a huge whirlpool in a huge bathroom, amazing view, etc. It is normally 800 a night... the lady upgraded ifs free because when we were chatting I mentioned how he just got home from his deployment and we were going to a fun class.

So yeah, I'm wrong for being upset that he teased I was a failure for 24 hours, but it's okay to use as an excuse for why he finds me volatile 6 years later...Lol, can you say distorted thinking?!

I'm going to post my reply to him in my diary a bit later...I think I was quite diplomatic about it, gracious even. But yes, my oxygen is flowing... when with all of the stupid crap he's pulling lately. I just know he's dealing with a lot.

I also asked if he's having a hard time with therapy or EMDR. He said, "Its not very difficult for me and its troubling. If it was hard, and I was exhausted after, I would know more was being done in my brain." I asked if he realized that he's been much more angry after. He said yes, he's noticed. I told him then instead of stuffing that back down, try to process it.

Do you have any take on that? Im stumped. But he has been angry and numbs more too...more isolation as well. The roommate had been taking over as dad lately... that's concerning. I had his son all afternoon Tuesday, and he said that the roommate is helping him with his homework, and hanging out with him, etc. Dad is doing stuff in the background. He's also been sending him to his mom's more. That has NEVER happened, and he's back to bending over backwards for her. So he's isolating even from his son.
You should have seen the change in his son's behavior when his dad came into my house. We were goofing around, talking, and played uno for hours. His dad came in so he pulled out his phone and withdrew. It safe bed saddened me so much.
I'd happily take any insight...btw, he's normally living and giving, .so this is just the PTSD Ken doll version of him.

 

[Freida]

I'm guessing he hasn't gotten into the tough stuff in emdr yet... Or he has and he's dissociating the minute he walks out of the office ( not like I've ever done that of course!). That could explain his distance from his son.

I would use that....how his son is reacting as an example of how he is acting because of the emdr rather than because of him...if that makes sense? I'm a zombie for a good 24 hours afterwards...can't imagine how a kid would translate that. He needs to tell his t what is happening. It could be they are moving to fast?

Yeah, I asked you so many questions on your thread because he's your long lost twin brother, lol! It's so funny to me that you understand his POV.

Now that you mention it....that hotel thing is funny because...well....been there! :hug:

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm guessing he hasn't gotten into the tough stuff in emdr yet... Or he has and he's dissociating the minute he walks out of the office ( not like I've ever done that of course!). That could explain his distance from his son.

I would use that....how his son is reacting as an example of how he is acting because of the emdr rather than because of him...if that makes sense? I'm a zombie for a good 24 hours afterwards...can't imagine how a kid would translate that. He needs to tell his t what is happening. It could be they are moving to fast?



Now that you mention it....that hotel thing is funny because...well....been there! :hug:

I don't think he even knows what to tell her. Our perspectives are so different sometimes that it makes me wonder if I'm crazy...but almost everyone else around us sees it too. I have never met or talked to any of his therapists, only the few times he tried couples therapy. But he's only willing to do that when he wants to get a therapist to break up with me for him. (Right before an isolation period).

I know that he talks about all of the homework they've been doing together, but his son told me that it's J (the roommate) that helps him and his dad is usually cleaning or doing dishes or on his computer or whatever. He said, "well dad does help me if J is too busy to."
(It makes me upset because it really amplifies my feeling of being replaced by this guy...)

So much of what he's saying doing is like usual, but amplified. I also hurt like hell because I've worked so hard on myself and my own PTSD symptoms and it feels like it doesn't even matter to him.
I didn't do it for him, but it still hurts.

Plus I get caught up a little bit in his amplifying the "fights". Really, most of it is in fact him being dismissive of letting me have an opinion. It's a "fight" if I don't blindly agree with everything he says. That is also frustrating, as like the example above.
The reality is, he doesn't tell me when something bothers him. He expects me to read his mind. When I don't, I'm the bad guy. If I tell him I want something and he doesn't want to do it, but does anyway without telling me, then holds resentment and blames me. Well, that's just wrong. I can't know what I don't know.

So then he makes me the monster in his mind and we go through this cycle. The worst part is, I accept the blame fir a long time because of my own fault from my own PTSD family of origin stuff.

This is what I'm working on the most. I've started some parts work as my process ti work through this. Parts work was initially developed in Chicago, so it's not hard to find people here to help with that. The lady working with me is helpful.

I hope that he breaks through some of this...I genuinely love him and understand him and him me better than anyone. He hides himself from most everyone else in his life. I don't know the nature of his relationship with his roommate, but there's nothing I can do about it. That's the biggest barrier in my mind right now.

This guy isn't healthy either... plus they're enabling each other. I knew him moving in was going to cause issues. Time to reign it back in and just worry about me...sigh. I really hate this.