Spiritual Abuse From Toxic Christianity.

[Deleted member 12723]

I di not mean to open a can of worms on this topic. There are always extremes to groups. Like I said this topic was addressed to only those who experienced Spiritual Abuse. We are all so fragile.

What me and my family experienced for so many years really devastated us. I have read through every post and seen it is rampant.

I think it is a sign of maturity to develop our own belief systems and very healthy.

I thank each person who shared. I so wanted it to be about healing and recovery from Toxic Christianity. It was some of the worst years of me and my families life. They the Toxic Christians gossiped about us and made bad rumors etc. It really damaged my family very much.

I think that it is outgrowing itself.

I am happy for real Christians who have found healthy churches, but I still think unless it is preached in these churches, not much will change for those of who escaped or left.

I am so sad it has impacted the lives of so many people. I lost all of my friends and it was like living in the dark ages with real witch hunts. It took me so many years to recover and I still have a ways to go on my healing and recovery.

I hate being preached at. I hate the vast ignorance. There is so much I hate about this topic.

My heart goes out to each person who has been burned and branded. I am tired now and will end this. I have so much more to say but at this point it ls like beating a dead horse.

Thank you to all of you who shared your painful experiences, You are so brave and courageous to come forward and speak.

I wish for every one so burned and branded and that experience religious words as trigger words as they do me.

It is such a betrayal of spirit and heart.

I really feel especially for all of the children being trapped in homes where Toxic Christianity is practiced. To heal from the betrayal is like dealing with the dynamics of the incest experience. It is a killing wound.

I personally think there are more true believers outside of Toxic Religon Churches.

Like I said I was not expecting such a overwhelmning response. I was not prepared for it nor was I prepared for hurt feelings to have to deal with.

We are all so fragile. Thank you everyone who shared from the bottom of my heart. Now let this sink into the archives and be done with it.

 

[thisbejoe7]

My wife came up in a very toxic fundamentalist christian church environment. Its one of the two major reasons she and I are in therapy now. So like many of you, I'm all too familiar with how toxic this can be.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you being in therapy together to heal from this very deep and devastating wound. I am still in the process of healing from this bad experience.

I really feel for the both of you. The toxic Spiritual Abuse has the same dynamics as healing from incest and it sounds like your wife has a lifetime of healing ahead of her and you have my empathy and support. She is so lucky to have you go through the process with you.

I am so sorry she had to survive so many years of it. I wish you both the best in your healing and recovery process. It is so deeply painful and I am so glad she excaped it.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Thanks gizmo, it certainly is a deep and devastating wound. My wife has a rule follower type of personality too, so she really bought into it and struggles lately to separate the lies from the truth. Thats what makes it so dangerous, they mix lies with the truth. Making it hard for people to recover intellectually and emotionally.

It is very like going to be a lifelong struggle for her. That type of abuse forms habits and ways of thinking and viewing the world. Its very hard to reprogram after a lifetime of indoctrination. Over the last few years I've tired to help her weed out the bad teachings and crazy ideas in the hopes she can start to think for herself about these things.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are very welcome.

You hit the nail on the head, it is brainwashing and what she needs the most is the truth about what happened to her. I was fooled and bought into it until I started waking up and got angry and began to confront people.

Your wife lost her so called friends and her community and that is a very devastating loss.

It is so insidious. It is crazymaking. I cannot imagine a lifetime of it.

She needs so much kind spirited truth to replace the lies she once believed. But I feel so hopeful for her. Your support of her at this time must make a huge difference in her life.

I am still untangling the lies I once believed and it has been many, many years since I was mixed up in it.

Her life has changed forever and there is the good hope that she will be able to go through the process of being deprogramed.

This is why there is so many books and information now on Toxic Christianity and Spiritual Abuse to check out. I do not have my books here yet but I will try to find them and list them. These books were such a source of truth for me and they helped me so much. I imagine that if you do an online search you may find much help and support for you both. Hugs.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Its interesting that you mention her friends and losing them when she left that environment. She hears bits and pieces of news from her old life there. There is so much abuse and dysfunction. Pastors having affairs with other staff, school (it was a church/school) staff sexually abusing the children. Just all sorts of horrible abuse beyond just the horrific legalistic and heretical teaching. It seems that people from those backgrounds either rebel and just don't buy into it, or they follow the rules and buy into it and do their best to comply, or they suffer quietly and internalize the spiritual trauma.

She hags been so "programmed" that even when confronted with evidence and clear proof that some specific thing she was taught is wrong, she doesn't trust the new information. She still "feels" that things are a certain way, or are "wrong" even when she has no sound reason to believe it anymore. Its very emotional as well.

Yes there are many good books on this topic and lots of good online resources. I have done a lot of research as my part of trying to help her deprogram. This can also create relationship issues because if you approach a significant other who's been programmed to think a certain way, and you challenge those beliefs, it makes you a threat. So I have to be very careful how I go about this and how I craft my words. Otherwise I risk shutting her down before she will hear me out.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow, my heart goes out to you. I so agree with you that you have to go very slow with her. I understand how you can be seen as a threat if you are not careful.

Good for you for doing the research. She is really locked into the symptoms of brainwashing.

She sounds like she is still in denial. That church is insidious in the abuses they have allowed. Perhaps she will have to hit rock bottom before she can become more trusting of the truths that were denied her. I do not know.

The pastor at my toxic church was fired after two years after I left and he has a huge cult following that still goes to that to that church. He is worshipped by so many people. It just makes me so sick.

I am so happy that I finally moved out of that little town where gossip was rampant and I have no contact with any of them now.

I am so sad to hear that she is still in touch with some of them, I would consider them sources of grief for you. The power they still hold over your wife is so great. So I think although she left the toxic environment, she is still connected in a small way and they can do so much damage. They will most likely consider you a threat.

I know a family that is hooked in and when they are together they are so plastic. I do not have contact with them.

I hope your wife gets to the point where anger can break through her denial.

When I left I still had contact with some of them and they really messed with my mind. I had to disconnect completely. I had denial of reality and I was alone. But I went there voluntarily and I was seeking real truth and the truth caused me to leave.

Why did your wife leave?

 

[thisbejoe7]

Trust is such a huge issue for her, she trusts no one because she could never count on anyone in her life (family or church people) to give her the truth. Should also couldn't trust anyone to have her best interests at heart. So she's very guarded and holds onto old comfortable ways of thinking. She has come a long was in the last few years, its nice to be able to have much more open conversations about these things, but every now and then we hit on some issue that she still clings to the old brainwashing.

The pastor at her church eventually left and began working at a different church in another state. He was smart. He didn't do the dirty work himself. He was worshiped and elevated for sure, but he had minions on the ground doing all the dirty work. He rarely had to interact with a student or attendee. It was always someone else handing down the legalism and judgment and horrible teaching. He never was directly linked to any abuse. He kept his distance and was the king of the castle, but kept himself out of the messy bits. A while after she got out of there, the pastor left as I said and now has a church following in another state. Its shameful to think that while he may never have directly been the abuser per-say, he was in charge, he had the power to enable or put a stop to abuse and he chose to enable.

I wouldn't say she is really still in touch with people from her old background. A few very of them are friends with her on Facebook, but they aren't the "bad" ones. They are also survivors so I don't think its doing any real harm for her keeping them as virtual friends. From them and sometimes from her family she gets little bits and pieces of information about all the abuse and related fallout.

She left that church because we got married and I sort of rescued her from that environment. But sadly for her, she had been groomed to feel at home in that environment. Its been hard for her to adjust to other more healthy situations because of all that crap. Those experiences while she was growing up have caused a lot of damage for her. Not just in her thinking but in many ways, emotionally, sexually, relationally, etc.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you for clarifying about her friends. I am so glad and happy that they are survivors and your wife needs all of the support and help she can get.

I had no support. I left the church and my husband would continue going before he eventually left too with me.

I think you are very healthy for your wife. I am so glad you guys have good conversations about the abuses.

The legalistic teachings are very powerful like snake oil. It has taken me so many years to get to the point where I am now. But I was also in therapy but not with a very supportive therapists She empathized with them as victims and I really needed her to be angry about what happened to me.

How did you rescue your wife? Obviously she trusted you enough to leave.

You are a very thorough and articulate person who has done the homework.

It is very scary for your wife to let go of the toxic teachings. She really needs to start to really hear that she is not alone and this happens to so many people. I became a outcast and was shunned and shamed.

It was pure hell for me since I had no real resources or support.

I began to read the bible to see what it really had to say, and I was so surprised at the truths there. The Creator began to reveal himself to me at that time. There are so many wonderful truths to learn.

You are a very kind and loving husband being so patient and cautious with her as she sounds so fragile.

The toxic teachings that she clings to take a long time to become free of in my opinion.

I have my faith and am doing so much better.

You guys are in my prayers. I wish you great success. You are amazing. So good for your wife. It almost sounds like she is dealing with a cultural thing being raised in it. The only truth she knows is being challenged and she is just now in the exploring phase.

She has a long way to go, I am afraid. It is all ingrained.

I remember being so confused and it took me a long time before I was able to begin to deal with reality and truth.

She is so lucky to have you on her side.

 

[thisbejoe7]

I'm sure I don't deserve all that praise, but I do think you are spot on with many of your points. I'm sorry you had no support, I can't imagine going through something like this on your own.

I say I rescued her, but it was just the act of getting married and moving her away from her church and family to where I lived in the next state over. Practically speaking that act got her out of there and into a much more healthy environment, even though it was small and had its own problems. We met and married young and that was her out. It actually played into our mutual dysfunction because I had a hero complex and loved the idea of being her "savior" and she viewed me in much the same way, that I would meet all her needs and expectations. So it wasn't exactly a relationship based on good healthy views and situations. But we've come a long way since then.

It is definitely scary for her to let go of the toxic teaching. This process is so hard for her, since she has such issues with trust. I've tried to connect her with other survivors of similar situations online, in a safe way that wouldn't require too much direct confrontation. But sadly she quickly loses interest in maintaining those relationships and thus no longer utilizes those resources. There are web communities and groups and all sorts of good resources for those who want them. She never really reached the rock bottom phase where she'd be desperate for any and all resources to help her.

Yes it is amazing what reading the Bible for yourself can do. Looking back in history, it used to be that the average person couldn't read the Bible. They had to reply on leaders in the church to read to them and interpret the words for them. This presented many opportunities for abuse and dysfunction. Fundamentalism is so difficult to deal with as I said because it mixes lies with the truth. Its hard to differentiate the two when you are indoctrinated by it. Outside sources of information are forbidden, you become the "good people" and everyone else who disagrees become the "bad people". Its an us/them type of scenario. Very unhealthy.

My wife is very fragile, especially emotionally. The issues of her upbringing have really done a number on her. She is working with our therapist now on how to find her emotional center and regulate her emotions better. She has a tendency to flood with her emotions, rather than reacting to things with a normal level of appropriate emotional response.

Thanks again for your kind words and understanding.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much for your kind words. She loved you so much she left with you to another state. I think this is so awesome for both of you. You are so amazing of a person doing the appropriate things.

She is going through the process of being deprogramed. It takes a lot of confrontation of the lies that have been planted inside of her all of her life.

You have been so wonderful to her. I am so happy that she is so far away from that environment. There is an excellent book called the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes which I highly recommend to you.

It explains the bonds we make with our abusers and so much more. I got so much good information from that book. It really helped me so much.

She probably has a huge void in her life away from the church and its teachings. She really needs to lean healthy ways to begin to fill the void with truth and actions where she can meet her spiritual needs. What helped me was listening to music. The words began to speak with me and it got into my heart.

Once I woke up to reality, I got really angry at all of the dysfunction I saw all around me. It was a very good thing that I was in therapy before I went to that church. My therapist would always tell me that this church was so co dependent.

I have one book that really helped me so much that I am reading it again, applying it to my own self. It is called Toxic Christianity Healing the religious neurosis by Paul DeBlassie the third. It is faith based and I would not recommend it to one who has lost their faith. It is a very healing book.

If she had been outcasted it would have woken her up faster. She needs information about how these toxic teachings do so much damage to ones own soul and how it damages so many people.

I do not understand the following of cult leaders. I do not think I ever will.

I have heard of healthy churches I have tried two churches and they were not healthy so I do not go to church anymore and have no desire to do so. I know I am not alone.

You have love on your side.That is the most powerful force to heal with.

I hope you are taking very good care of yourself and meeting your own needs and wants. You will need so much strength to carry on.

Your wife is so lucky to have you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Prime example of spiritual abuse. Sadly, this happened where I work at, as well. I really hope all these survivors find much better support and healing. :(

"...rape victims searching for help at Bob Jones University in Greenville, S.C., were told to repent and seek out their own “root sin” that caused them to be raped.

Within the past year BJU has opened its own investigation into sexual abuse and rape, and now former students who were victimized are coming forward to tell their stories about life on a campus where they were shamed and told to keep their stories to themselves.

Coming from a conservative Mennonite family, Katie Landry, who at age 19 had never even held hands with a boy, was raped multiple times by her supervisor at her summer job. Two years later, haunted by the attacks, and attending Bob Jones University, she sought help from then dean of students, Jim Berg.

According to Landry, Berg asked whether she’d been drinking or smoking pot and if she had been “impure.” He then brought up her “root sin.”

“He goes, ‘Well, there’s always a sin under other sin. There’s a root sin,’” Landry explained. “And he said, ‘We have to find the sin in your life that caused your rape.’ And I just ran.”

“He just confirmed my worst nightmare,” she added. “It was something I had done. It was something about me. It was my fault.”

Landry eventually withdrew from the school and didn’t tell anyone else for five more years.

...other victims of abuse related how Biblical scripture was used to lay blame for the rapes on their own sins, and that their trauma was a sign that they were fighting God and would never be at peace until they forgave their rapists.

Called the “Fortress of Fundamentalism, ” Bob Jones University’s philosophical approach to almost all mental problems, beyond medical issues, is that they are the result of sin.

In a 1996 book, ‘Becoming an Effective Christian Counselor,’ written by former BJU Dean of Education Walter Fremont and his wife, counselors are instructed to emphasize that the blame lies with the abuser. However, the authors also state that being sexually assaulted is not an excuse for “sinful feelings” of discontentment, hate, fear, and especially, bitterness; calling unresolved anger “rebellion and bitterness against God.”

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/18/bob-jones-university-told-rpe-victims-to-repent-and-look-for-root-sin-that-caused-their-rpe/[/DLMURL]