Spiritual Abuse From Toxic Christianity.

[BloomInWinter]

I have to admit that I haven't been on the receiving end of the good hearted people, @Laura 2 , so that hasn't been my experience that way. But I have to believe it is ignorance and training, rather than malice, that causes so many people to follow the toxic teachings of so many of these narcissistic sociopaths who exploit their good will and turn it to their own ends.

Once they personally know someone hurt, many quit their church. That tells me they do care but were blind to it. Decades of conditioning to have blind faith, discouraged to critically think, to display "forgiveness" extending completely unearned trust in the wolves in the flock just because they cry crocodile tears and put on a show of being repentant.

One of the most toxic brainwashing tactics the churches promote is that forgiveness means trust. It doesn't. I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend, but I'd be an idiot to trust him around my children or in my vicinity. Yet, a leader in the church who steals, cheats, lies, or abuses often gets to keep his position just for a good performance of "repentance." As if sociopaths aren't great at faking it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My therapist who retired never spoke of his beliefs until I asked him at my last appointment. He was raised Catholic and was in seminary when he was asking too many questions for the leadership, and was asked to leave. He had learned that there was heavy rain which filled up the riverbed as the Jews were escaping Egypt. They made it across, but those pursuing it was not, and they were drowned. Now, we weather reports and can generally predict when flash flooding might occur, and not walk in the riverbed. But they had no weather reports back then, so they explained it as Gods wrath.

But, that's just a different way of explaining it, without any evidence whatsoever God had anything at all to do with it. What is evident is that there was a flash flood, and people died. I choose to go with what is proven rather than rejecting it in favor of a story which has no proof. That is why I reject faith, because I do not wish to embrace cognitive dissonance anyone. It was just too painful and kept leading to being mistreated by those telling me I was wrong for not accepting their stories. I agree with my therapist, and had already drawn that conclusion myself.

My current therapist is a devout Christian, and she's wonderful. I have so many co-workers and friends who are Christians and wonderful people. None of them were unfortunate enough to have their faith used as a snare against them, so I understand why the good parts of church fulfill them, and I'm glad that makes them happy. I'm envious that my life never reflected that. I know that she and others would not tolerate the stuff that happened to me and I look forward to the day when people like her kick the abusive men out of the leadership positions and get women like her in them.

This is an interesting post, which I identify with.

"My deconversion experience is very similar to the experiences of other ex-Christians. I dealt with the traumatic stress of losing religion/God, of becoming “the other” to my family. I dealt with the anger I felt for being so thoroughly conned by the very people I was taught to trust. I was angry with myself for being stupid enough to believe in obvious lies and misinformation. I saw clearly at a young age that the answers given to me were not just: Good people going to hell for not accepting Jesus into their hearts, hello? So let me get this straight, my good friend down the street who is honest, kind and has integrity is going to burn in hell for eternity because, by pure chance, she was born to Muslim parents, but Jeffery Dahmer gets to go to heaven because his Dad got him saved in prison? F***. Your. God. Character-impaired people call this God’s justice, and inform you that you are just a worm who is too small to understand God’s ways. Healthy people call it insanity. When I was young, the great mythological stories never seemed like facts to me. I would watch the teachers in Vacation Bible School and think: They cannot really believe this because it is so absurd! It took decades of indoctrination to beat it into my brain, and make me a True Believer, or else to just live in the confusion of cognitive dissonance because I was taught to trust in the absurd, and that faith without evidence is a virtue. These were the beliefs of my only parent, and I had a deep desire to please God, because by pleasing God maybe I would finally please her." Source: [DLMURL]http://godlessindixie.com/2014/06/19/its-not-me-its-you-children-of-christian-narcissists/[/DLMURL]

 

[Laura 2]

But I have to believe it is ignorance and training, rather than malice, that causes so many people to follow the toxic teachings of so many of these narcissistic sociopaths who exploit their good will and turn it to their own ends.

What came to mind just now was the 9 o'clock service (NOS) scandal. Through the church, I came in contact with some of the many people who had been horribly traumatised by this. It wasn't simply ignorance. The church actually rushed the abusers through ministry training and ordination and deliberately ignored reports of their sexual abuse and exploitation of the congregation, a number of whom continued to support the abusive ministers. (This is the Church of England - not some wacky cult or new church that didn't know any better and didn't have access to training and protection checks).

Not sure where I'm going with that except that I don't think it's just ignorance and lack of training. The church was overjoyed that these charismatic people were apparently 'rejuvenating' youth membership and deliberately ignored any reports of wrongdoing in order to 'grow' the church.
There's always something in it for those who cover-up or turn a blind eye to abuse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I meant the followers who seem unaware of the suffering are good-hearted. But definitely not the church officials and abusers they protect. They're full of malice, secrets, and abuses of power. I think they are able to hide in plain sight.

I hold them, and any with knowledge but who ignored it, fully responsible, to be sure.

 

[Laura 2]

I hold them, and any with knowledge but who ignored it, fully responsible, to be sure.

Yes...but they never do take responsibility....and that's why I have such an ambivalent relationship with CofE and, really, all of them now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Me either. I do not trust any so called authority to tell me what to do because God told them to say that to me. Sickening.

 

[Laura 2]

@gizmo - I get stuck at 'I do not trust any so called authority' and just can't seem to move past that. ;):laugh:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Laura I understand you totally. I was so dumb and naïve and so gullible and vulnerable and thank goodness I was seeing a therapist at the time of my abuse. I finally quit therapy to learn how to think for myself but I will still go to my therapist for a tune up.

I have mellowed with time. I have not been able to forgive. I cannot forget the hell they put me and my family through.

Mabe this sort of thing is unforgivable.

It is so hard to know that they are still the same and have not changed at all and still have their good reputations. I think they have no consciousness. It is all fake. They look so good from the outside but are full of all sorts of rottenness within.

This thread has been so healing for me. I know that it is a huge problem that so many are suffering from. I am so glad that I posted this thread. It has been so enlightening to me. Wish I could be a support to people being driven out of their churches.

 

[Laura 2]

@gizmo
I'm so glad too that you posted this thread. It's always good and healing to get affirmation about things you imagined were just happening to you. But that's a hallmark of abusers : isolate and deny victims' reality (the DARVO thing - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).

Religious abuse is rampant, everywhere. Every church, established or fringe, indulges its abusive members and clergy. There are, from my research several years ago, many quiet, almost hidden support groups for abused church members and for abused clergy - as well as for people who are victims of clergy sexual abuse.

Like all victims' groups though, it seems to me that they don't shout loudly enough. By the time you get to being a victim you're so traumatised and so exhausted and disgusted that you want little to do with the outside world, let alone publicising your injuries (which you are ashamed of, wrongly of course).

I often think we need a 'Victims Union' - a properly constituted worldwide federation of self-help victims' groups with the same basic intent: to publicise and campaign to stop abuse wherever it's found and to provide real support to each other - all so that we don't feel so isolated.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow, Laura, well said and thank you so much. I cannot add anything to what you so eloquently said You so clearly outlined what happens to the victim. I carried false shame the whole time I lived in that small town. I never before realized this and I choose not to carry that false shame anymore.

It was too many against me and my family. It destroyed our good reputations and they were everywhere that there was a social event.

We should have moved out of that town instead of staying. Thank you so much again. It is a truly isolating event..

 

[Chosen]

The sad thing is that it doesn't have to be in a system but isolated Christians can be spiritually abusive. I recently posted on FB my support for marriage equality in the US due to legal reasons/citizen rights/civil rights, and purposely didn't delve into theology....I've been viciously attacked, my faith in God questioned, and told that I'm approaching demons because of my stance. Just because I think it's not just to give some citizens a right and withhold it from others...I'm evil. Just had to vent a bit there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Noah, I am so very sad, you did not deserve that and since I was accused of being possessed by toxic Christians I can so relate to your vent. I can so identify and relate to what you experienced. You are a good and decent person and did not do anything wrong at all. You deserve to be treated better and not get attacked in this way. Many hugs.