Spiritual Abuse

[mbrady]

That is totally insane..Get out of that place and seek for legal counsel for that matter.

I would like to, but there are other considerations. I have a small ember of hope that she and I can find a healthy path forward. We have kids that are still in school. We can't afford our lifestyle now let alone two households. She doesn't work, refuses to. Claims to be unable to work but finds energy, motivation and stamina to go out and try to sell Mary Kay. It's selective disability I think. We damn sure can't afford legal fees. It's just a very tense spot right now.

I'm working on me. I have therapy weekly, try to meditate and visualize what I want. Seek out marriage counseling. She stays up late, sleeps in, drives a nicer car than we ever had, she has security, a fine house to lay her head, nice clothes, jewelry, and time with her friends whenever she wants. Our house is a disaster, there are goat trails in our room b/c she can't pick up her own damn clothes.

Yes it is insanity. And far from equal.

 

[mbrady]

I saw my therapist today, a Christian counselor. Spilled my guts out about all the duality, double standards, abuse, neglect, etc just getting him caught up on the weekend! And at the end of it all he says to me lead her and she will follow. Give yourself up for her as Christ did for the church and she will be attracted to you again.
So I have to keep falling on my sword, proving I'm good enough, giving up who I am so she can be attracted to me after 22 years? Excuse me but kiss my ass. I've done that for the last 7 years. It doesn't work. I want a partner not a master I have to impress. And I'm pretty sure the verse he used was interpreted wrong. And the order was wrong. He was quoting Ephesians. It first says wives submit to your husbands. Then it says husband love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. I have given myself for her. I've changed aspects of my character b/c it wasn't attractive to her. The interpretation that is always given with that passage is that until you give yourself up to the point of death you haven't met the mark. In that very same passage it says to love them as yourself for no one ever hated his own body. He feeds it. So how can the first part contradict the second in a matter of 3 verses? It doesn't. Giving yourself up from a human POV doesn't include sacrificing YOUR SELF. You treat her like you treat your own body. Care for her, protect her, defend her. You don't kill yourself so neither should you kill YOUR SELF for her. It's miserable!

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure about the interpretation or advice @mbrady , but abuse in all it's forms is wrong in the nme of anything, and mutual love and respect for one another are the basics. As is courtesy, trust, fidelity, sensitivity to each other, and truly caring for the other ('first do no harm' surely isn't reserved for only doctors). Good communication and boundaries, as with love, sacrifice and fidelity, should align with religion, not disintegrate in the name of religion. Can you concentrate on those? Because it seems to me 'God' is the Master Communicator, and hopefully you can follow that guidance. As it certainly sounds like you are trying to find some way and not looking for justification to abandon the relationship (and yes I realize the financial concerns. Do you think she does?)

I wish you much luck.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ps, if she's cutting you down in the name of religion, I'd perhaps say, "God in my estimation and experience would be neither hurtful nor judgemental (etc)".

As my mom said to one of my sisters when she said she didn't want to go to church because they were all hypocrites, "There's always room for one more".

Going to church doesn't make a person good, or 'more than' any other person on earth- in fact, I'd say 'less so' if they think they are superior to others (ETA- well I shouldn't say that because it is me being judgemental of judgemental people, or inferring 'superiority' if/ when I think I'm not judgemental, but obviously am.. ) , nor is it necessarily synonymous with ethical, moral, conscionable, selfless, or loving mindsets or decisions.

But, if you model that, and you choose that, maybe she will follow seeing the difference compared to what it sounds like her group is reinforcing as acceptable now? Just a thought.

Can you tell her this is how you are left feeling?

As far as the love goes I still love her. There's an ideal she loves about me, but she doesn't accept me for who I am. Her love is very conditional.

 

[mbrady]

Good communication is a weak skill for me when it comes to her. I can and will focus more on that. Boundaries, really setting them, in love, and not being robotic about their enforcement is a relatively new area for me. My history tells me that boundaries are bad. My family of origin history I mean. Working through reframing traumas as an adult in my PTSD therapy is giving me many new insights but the overall implementation of the boundaries is hard for me. Love meant letting people use me, abuse me, and taking advantage of me all while smiling and being okay with it. It is against what I know but I am working very hard at changing outcomes by changing tactics and replying instead of reacting. It's a slow go.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I understand.

I suppose good boundaries (that protect you) are assisted by loving yourself.

Perhaps think of those same boundaries as being necessary to try to save your relationship. Then if you find it difficult for what seems to be for yourself, you will remember something else too is at stake.

You have a long history and you say it's been a recent development. Hopefully you can recapture and nurture that bond and commitment again, but this time being treated equally, respectfully and lovingly.

 

[Freedomfighter]

My mother and her best friend did this a lot. My mom still does, but I've countered that so much she doesn...

Same here, especially since many of them do not practice their region at all, and they really think there is this jolly old man that forgives the crimes they commit every day, disgusting and stupid.

 

[mbrady]

Guys I need some feedback. My wife and I were talking Thursday. The money subject came up. I asked her calmly if the money I earn is "our" money and always has been. Why does the money you make selling makeup get to be "your" money and not "ours"? Not equal amounts but equal fairness. She refused to listen to any reason. She said that the little bit she makes doesn't mean anything and im not going to control it. Okay, then what if we started to view the money I earn as "my" money? She became irrate and said if you want your money so bad then I'll just leave you and take the kids with me so you and your money can be happy together. I didn't react, I started to say that's not what I want. But I couldn't get it out before she left.
I can't take that kind of threat lightly. Lately she has been showing many signs of just being done with us. She said she wants to separate. I'll ask if she wants to be with me and she says I don't know like a spoiled child. So I opened a new account for my income and transferred all but $140 out. I told her she will be taken care of until a judge decides what will happen. Legal separation or divorce. She says I threatened "her" livelihood. What? You can't have all the benefits of the partnership w/o the partner. If you want separation that's fine. This is what separation looks like. She "forgot" to cancel an autoship order from one of her pyramid schemes and they took $130 out. Now she's complaining and trying to use religiousness and anger (which doesn't make sense) to force me to reverse my decision.
Am I being unreasonable?

 

[ladee]

Nope !!! This is a boundary... you told her her and the kids will be provided for until, when and If it is separation or divorce.... when someone is so obsessed with a belief, they forget that others have choices also... amazingly, for all the hammering she does to you, she seems totally unconscious of seeing herself doing the things she doesn't like about you..
She is sending a lot of mixed messages... you asked a reasonable question.... and you got a threat instead of an answer... which I guess is an answer....
The bottom line... take care of yourself... make sure the kids and her have what they need and let her have her little money as she calls it ... surely she doesn't expect you to support her while she makes up her mind...as long as you do as you say in regard to caring for them... this is a good boundary... no reason for you to be left high and dry because she is confused and unreasonable.

 

[mbrady]

I keep trying to calmly reiterate whenever another issue for her with comes up that this is separation. This is what you wanted. This is what it looks and feels and tastes like. This is reality.
My family believes I'm crazy or a saint to have stayed in this thing so long. I just don't want to live my life with regrets. Leaving isn't what I want. I want us to be equal partners. But there will come a time soon when I have to know I did everything humanly possible and it wasn't enough. And I'll have to let go.