DID Splitting

[seedling]

@Echo
I hope that some of your emotional and physical pain will pass and you move on from the consequences of your communication to your family. If they cannot "give" you the space you need to heal perhaps you can find a way to give it to yourself. Find out how to get that space by making the boundaries you need to, making connections with people who are supportive and care about you.:hug:

All the best.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Echo I just found this thread. I am so sorry for your pain. I do understand the self destructiveness of split off parts...I am dealing with several of these. It is frightening and confusing. Your therapist's advice is great but so much easier said than done.

One thing that I have been realizing with my suicidal parts is that the "suicidalness" of them is actually another, separate part overlaid on top of them...an angry critical blaming part that needs to be separated first so that you can "speak" to the vulnerable part. Even this toxic part is trying to protect you in some way, and it too needs attention.

I like that your therapist had you place these parts in your feet. I've found in my experience I need to get them a bit further outside of me though, lest they overtake me. I have constructed (in my mind) a variety of "safe" places for them to be until I can give them my full attention. They "escape" regularly, but are a tiny bit more manageable when there is a place I can ask them to go. My therapist even recommended actual containers if I was struggling to hold the visualization.

My heart is with you. You are working so very hard to care for yourself and heal. Being battered by stress and boundary-breakers makes it so much more difficult. Please know we are here and thinking of you and sending you calming and loving energy.

 

[billie]

Thinking of you buddy (((hugs))) if you accept them.

 

[macca]

@Echo - I'm so sorry you are having such a horribly difficult time. I can really identify with finding split off parts, and having a part that's suicidal, as I have one of those too, though I'm still in the process of working it all out.

I wish I had some advice for you, but unfortunately I haven't worked out yet how to deal with this either. Please let go of your feelings of shame if you can - there is no shame in how you feel, it just is. Your brain found a way to manage the trauma at the time, it seems to just be what happens for many of us, to protect ourselves from overwhelming events. I'm glad you are reaching out here, and you are more than deserving of the support you receive. Hugs, if that feels ok.

 

[HelenB]

Been thinking of you today and hope your migraine had cleared by the time you woke up and that you have managed to get enough of your work done.
God bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

Thank you, Helen, for your concern. Yesterday was a really bad day, but today things are a little better. I see my therapist tomorrow, so I hope she can reassure me about what is happening and how we will deal with it. I hope you are ok, too, and that today has been a better day for you, too.

 

[HelenB]

Glad things are a bit better for you today and I hope it goes well tomorrow with your therapist.

Things are still up and down with me and pretty mixed, but I am ok. Thank you too.

Helen

 

[Echo]

I've just returned from my session with my therapist. I am utterly exhausted; it was a complete meltdown. I guess it was bound to happen. I was too scared to hear why my 20-year old self is angry with me; she had disappeared behind an impenetrable mist. She did at least sit there in her mist on the sofa with me, and I hope she heard what was said or sobbed, even if she wouldn't speak. Actually, as far as I know all she did the whole session was scream. My therapist was very good (though I'm rather embarrassed that it all brought tears to her eyes, too - though I guess that just shows that she is a real person with reasonable, normal emotions and a kind heart). She got me to stay present most of the time and pointed out various important things to me to counteract the sense of blame I have all round. She suggested that I keep talking to and listening to my 20-year old self, in as far as either of us can manage. She didn't think I was ready (nor do I) to write about the experience as a way of giving voice to my younger self. She feels we must still work on stabilising and ensuring that I am safe in a number of ways before I do that.

Several of you have mentioned containment. I can see that it would be very useful in certain circumstances, and my family are all stashed away. But with this screaming self, it is the last thing that will work. It would be the ultimate betrayal and she has been roundly betrayed. Somehow she feels I have betrayed her again; and I can't bear to hear why just yet. She was strangled and smothered by my rapist, silenced by my parents, silenced by fear, silenced by meds, silenced by my sisters to protect my parents, silenced by my boyfriend/s who could not cope with me as a rape victim; after ten years of being silent, when I finally spoke out, she was told she was wrong, to blame, that she deserved it, that she was bad, that her body was an encitement to men who could not control themselves, so I chose to be silent for another 23 years. So she doesn't need any containment. What she needs is for me to get strong enough to hear her and to give her a voice in as many ways as possible. My therapist tells me not to fear her entering me with force and at speed and rendering me suicidal. She doesn't think I would welcome her at the moment. That is the bit I had lost in it all; that I have a choice, and don't need to be forced by anyone or anything, even my raped self.

Thank you all so much for getting me through to today. I hope some of this helps other people. I know your stories and experiences help me enormously.:hug:s

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree. No containment. Let her speak. Not to do so perpetuates the original crimes. Long live your 20 year old.

I am so happy your T responds with emotion and compassion.

I hope you get some rest.

 

[Bedbug]

My therapist tells me not to fear her entering me with force and at speed and rendering me suicidal. She doesn't think I would welcome her at the moment. That is the bit I had lost in it all; that I have a choice, and don't need to be forced by anyone or anything, even my raped self.

Thank you for this bit. I had lost it too. I thought that, if I didn't let "her" in, she would attack. I have been so afraid of this happening over the past few days and last night, as I lay sleepless in bed, I thought the attack had started. In the pitch darkness, I suddenly saw a small hand reach around my shoulder and try to stab a knife into my face. Instinctively I defended myself and the hand vanished. I lay there, shivering with fear, thinking "This is it, she's got in and is going to find a way to kill me tonight."

After reading what you just wrote, I realise that I can choose to stop her, to keep her out. I will let her in again, but it will be on my terms, no matter how much she tries to force herself into me. She can't hurt me with these attacks. I am stronger than her.

 

[Echo]

@Bedbug - yes, it seems our fear relates to our original abuse/attacks, doesn't it? I'm so sorry you've been having such a horrible time, too. That sounds very scary. I was terrified in my therapist's room, but right at the end of the session I realised that whilst terrified, I felt safe there and wasn't very keen on leaving the room. That's when she pointed this out to me. Funny that it boils down to us reclaiming our own agency AGAIN. Maybe our exiled parts want to know that we will defend ourselves in ways we were not able to do before, for very good reasons. Maybe they are testing us? I imagine it is a multi-layered thing. I don't know about you, though, but I feel such deep pain for that part of me and can't bear it that she feels so bad. It will get better for us both, I'm sure. My therapist says I need to rest and be gentle with myself and to realise this is the worst time and it will get better. I really hope you get some rest, too. Why does it have to be so b*****y dramatic the whole time?!

 

[Bedbug]

Maybe our exiled parts want to know that we will defend ourselves in ways we were not able to do before, for very good reasons. Maybe they are testing us?

When I was being abused I never defended myself, never even said "No!" I hated it, but I let my abuser abuse me. Perhaps you are on to something here.

However, I am still pondering the alternative explanation that you suggested in my thread yesterday:

I have wondered today whether those parts are projecting what they felt then towards my abusers and supposed sources of comfort (who failed to be so) onto me now. I wondered whether my 20-year old self is actually furious at whatever and whoever surrounded her then, and she is giving voice to that (probably utterly suppressed at the time), but apparently directing it at me. My job perhaps then is not to take it personally (if you like) but to recognise the force of what she felt then and is still feeling.

Perhaps it's a bit of each.

I don't know about you, though, but I feel such deep pain for that part of me and can't bear it that she feels so bad.

Oh, I'm full of compassion for her! But she is still so "other" to me that it doesn't translate into self-compassion.