FauxLiz
Sponsor
After nearly three years I finally told my therapist the details of one of my assaults that I have never spoken to anyone about in the past (including my past therapists), I just haven't been able to say anything more than, I was gang-raped to any therapist/P-doc in the past. Now, I am struggling with the fact that I have developed erotic transference and I can't stop seeing him as someone I should/want? to have sex with. We have talked about my non-erotic transference to him in the past as I have found myself attaching to him the way I should have to my father and saw him in a paternal manner but this is entirely different.
I am beginning to see him in my dreams/fantasies as the person that teaches me about healthy sexual relationships, I can't let this continue and I can' tell him about it because other than just plain being mortified, I am afraid that he will feel the need to transfer me. When we dealt with the paternal transference it was not something that he had dealt with really in the past and he told me that he discussed the possible need to transfer me with his colleagues I am terrified that this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I am also scared that if he transfers me I will self-sabotage/self-harm by acting out sexually which I have done before when I felt abandoned. At the same time not talking about it won't make it disappear and I am just as terrified that I will for lack of a better word dissociate during one of our sessions and really blow things up by attempting to act out my dreams/fantasies.
Please, someone, have some words of advice and support because I can't go down this path again.
I am beginning to see him in my dreams/fantasies as the person that teaches me about healthy sexual relationships, I can't let this continue and I can' tell him about it because other than just plain being mortified, I am afraid that he will feel the need to transfer me. When we dealt with the paternal transference it was not something that he had dealt with really in the past and he told me that he discussed the possible need to transfer me with his colleagues I am terrified that this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I am also scared that if he transfers me I will self-sabotage/self-harm by acting out sexually which I have done before when I felt abandoned. At the same time not talking about it won't make it disappear and I am just as terrified that I will for lack of a better word dissociate during one of our sessions and really blow things up by attempting to act out my dreams/fantasies.
Please, someone, have some words of advice and support because I can't go down this path again.