Spoke With Therapist About "failing"

[Whirlwind]

I posted recently about this and I am confused....and I still feel like I am failing therapy or not getting something. It is very frustrating for me. I am worried about my waves of depression and fear that nothing is getting better and I'm worse off than when I started.

I shared this with my therapist and his response is that he thinks I have shown improvement, as in I am less guarded, can reveal my emotions more....he said I should try different antidepressants for a few weeks at a time to see what works and then I could continue taking them or just have them as "emergency" back up. But he doesn't prescribe and he doesn't have a particular one in mind for me. He says my symptoms are just extensions of my anxiety, etc.

That was basically it. I mentioned I may feel my emotions better now but I feel worse over all....I would trade with my preptsd self in a heartbeat. How is this better? I am asking seriously, I really don't see it.

I don't feel any less like I am failing therapy after seeing my therapist. I wonder if this is it, this is as good as I'll "get".

Terrifying thought to be honest.

Thanks for listening, Whirlwind

 

[joeylittle]

I would trade with my preptsd self in a heartbeat. How is this better? I am asking seriously, I really don't see it.

I know what you mean. Me too. But think of it this way - PTSD can be like cleaning out a closet. (roll with me here). Everything is inside the closet, the door is shut, and you don't even have to really think about it at all.

But when you notice that you can't shut the door all the way because the closet is so stuffed, you say to yourself "time to clean that thing out". And then you have a total mess in the vicinity of the closet for awhile, and regret starting to deal with it in the first place. Yet, dealing with it is the only way it's actually ever going to be useable as a closet again.

Eventually, it gets sorted, cleaned up, packed back away, but this time not all shoved one thing atop another. And you have more space to even put more things in. And you feel good about it.

You're in the bit where all the stuff has exploded out of the closet and you are wondering why you even started doing this in the first place. But remember - your closet door wasn't shutting all the way. It was a problem. And that's why you started. Now, you just need to put your head down and keep going.

I'm slightly strange tonight, so sorry for the kind of trivial metaphor. But that's what it feels like to me, often. If your therapist is observing that you are actually opening up more and releasing more, that's all good, even though it feels hard and bad.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Oh I can really empathise. If only there were a magic pill we could take and then be done with it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. And it is really freaking frustrating.

I think your therapist means that you've become better at opening up, at recognising and sharing your emotions. And once you've managed to let your guard down enough, you can really start processing. You need to get to the core of the problem - and that takes a lot of painful and slow digging into your psyche.

Antidepressants might be a good idea as they can make your symptoms more bearable. They have been my rock for almost 3 years now and I don't think I'd still be in college if I didn't have them. But keep in mind that those things can be addictive and have nasty side effects. So if you decide to get a prescription for them, make sure you and at least one other person that you are close to, know that you're taking them. Because, ironically, many antidepressants may cause an increase in anxiety, depression or even suicidal thoughts. I'm not trying to scare you, but I want you to know about these things before you start trying out several forms of medication.

Wishing you the best! :hug:

 

[mrsps]

"time to clean that thing out". And then you have a total mess in the vicinity of the closet for awhile, and regret starting to deal with it in the first place. Yet, dealing with it is the only way it's actually ever going to be useable as a closet again.
Eventually, it gets sorted, cleaned up, packed back away, but this time not all shoved one thing atop another. And you have more space to even put more things in. And you feel good about it.

I love love love how you have described this! Its so true

 

[digger]

I still feel like I am failing therapy or not getting something

It might help to get more specific with this. What are you expecting from therapy? What exactly is it you feel you are failing at? Perhaps it would be useful to go over some therapy goals with your therapist? What specifically are you trying to achieve with therapy?

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but there is a bit of a worse before it gets better thing with therapy....I'm still in the worse phase myself I think, but I'm trusting that my therapist (hopefully) can see a bigger picture than the limited view I have of things at the moment.

I think it's important to remember that they do this everyday and they 'get' the process, whereas for most people going into therapy, it's all pretty alien. It might be helpful to ask your therapist to talk to you a bit about therapy and the process itself?

 

[risingsun]

shared this with my therapist and his response is that he thinks I have shown improvement, as in I am less guarded, can reveal my emotions more....

I relate to this all too well. I wish my therapist had responded that way to me, though. I kept asking mine if I was failing and she told me no and then she fired me for not making progress so I was like "what the heck." Mine was a covert narcissist so that's a different scenario. Yours sounds very supportive, more than mine ever was. So I don't think this is the case with you at all.

However, if you feel like your life is not improving with this therapist, you may want to re-evaluate whether he is, in fact, helping you. Its may not be so much "is this as good as it will get," as it may be "is this as good as your therapist can get at helping you due to his own limitations," especially if you are, in fact, doing the work toward your recovery which you seem to be. Do you ever leave his office feeling uplifted? I mean our therapists help us to open the doors to our repressed fears and current anxieties, but they should help you to walk through those doors to the other side, toward some level of relief and happiness along the way. Even if it is small steps we take. They should be helping you to feel confident and joyous even in those small moments. If not, it's not you, its their capabilities. If you do find that he is not helping you find relief there are always other good therapists out there for you. So don't give up hope.

Or it might be, as JoeyLittle and others have said, the point where you are starting to release emotions and that can be tough and overwhelming right now because you are opening up and allowing yourself to become vulnerable. You are allowing yourself to feel it fully so that you can release it. So this may very well be an important stage in your healing, clearing out the space for a new perspecive and new and wonderful things to begin in your life.

Only you know these answers as it is you who knows your therapy the best. Your intuition knows that answer. We must always dig deep to find the answers to these questions especially in therapy because you are investing in it. Don't ever give up though. Things always get better and better with time and the more we release our emotions, the closer we get to our recovery. And, as I have said before in other posts, PTSD is not a life sentence. There is always recovery from this. Hang in there. Best of Luck to You, Rising Sun.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I like the closet analogy.. my T also refers to it as "cleaning out a fish tank." When you start using the vacuum to clean it out, first all the dirt gets stirred up, but it eventually becomes clean. I am always very hard on myself, and it sounds like you might be as well. EVERY session my T tries to encourage me in some way. Whether it's telling me where we are going with therapy, or how far she has seen me come. Even if it's hard to believe at first, it does help that she is constantly doing this.

If therapy was easy, we wouldn't need it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess we have a tendency to feel more discouraged at where we think we are failing, than being able to see where we've come. Maybe if we could see what is better than it was, & be thankful for that, we could see progress.

I mean even in some ways surviving, or not giving in or trying to not let it dictate what we feel or believe or choose is progress of sorts, too.

 

[Whirlwind]

But when you notice that you can't shut the door all the way because the closet is so stuffed, you say to yourself "time to clean that thing out". And then you have a total mess in the vicinity of the closet for awhile, and regret starting to deal with it in the first place. Yet, dealing with it is the only way it's actually ever going to be useable as a closet again.

The metaphor is helpful, not trivial to me, thank you. I didn't realize my closet was so stuffed :) and now that I am digging through it....it seems there is a lot of yucky stuff in there with no end, it is very overwhelming for me.

I'm not trying to scare you

I appreciate the heads up and hearing it has helped you. I am still very uneasy about anti's so I am not sure I can do it just yet, I'll read some and think about it.

What are you expecting from therapy? What exactly is it you feel you are failing at?

My goal started with addressing my 30+ years of nightmares. I want help with my sense of depression, and what I have come to learn are anxiety symptoms.

I have come to realize many sad truths about my life, the severity of my early abuse, memories coming back....its all been awful.

So bear with me, I had some horrible dreams last night but they coalesced for me upon waking.....basically I did a very hard thing leaving my FOO behind at 19ish. I was 100% on my own and it was terrifying, I had nothing back then. I made a life for myself and tried to be a good person, I literally felt like I had been raised by wolves I was so clueless about people in general (part of my abuse was isolation - I was allowed "out" to go to school only but was allowed zero interaction with other kids/adults until mid teens when I started to rebel/run away)

So I created a whole new existence late teens and I was very proud and happy with what I had done for a long time, career, a nice? boyfriend...then it seemed everything blew apart as I hit a rough patch in my life later in life (late 30's).

Now with therapy...I look back and I see things differently where I let myself be taken advantage of, where I made decisions for others and not myself and in the end I paid a terrible personal price. Is this my current depressive vision...and if not, then that is even worse, so I messed up my life??!! Some things can't be undone. :( I tried so hard to take care of myself, build a life and now I'm that much older and it seems I have made no progress. Truth is I am very isolated yet again, and isolation is very frightening for me.

So this is why I feel like I've failed, at therapy and now my former success in life...wasn't what I thought it was. This realization has been haunting me, and the more I realize the worse I feel.

So my final dream last night basically sums up my "failure"....I was standing in the dry crunchy grass next to railroad tracks, late summer evening, the air smelled wonderful and it was just beautiful and a train is coming, I can see lights and then laughter, I can see all of the people inside since its lighted from inside....and the trains continues on and the laughter gets fainter and finally disappears. Now I feel the air getting cooler, I need to find a safe place for the night and I'm alone as always. I am wondering where these people came from, how they got on this train, I have never seen a platform ever. Not once in my entire life.

Thanks again for listening and letting me vent safely,

All my best, Whirlwind

 

[scout86]

basically I did a very hard thing leaving my FOO behind at 19ish. I was 100% on my own and it was terrifying, I had nothing back then. I made a life for myself and tried to be a good person, I literally felt like I had been raised by wolves

You DID do a "very hard thing" did you not?

If you'd known then what you know now, would you have done it the same? Probably not. Just about anyone alive, who's paying attention, would answer that the same way. You did the best you knew how at the time. That's FINE. Probably better than fine. And, what are you doing now? You're continuing to learn and grow, and make yourself an even better person. Expecting yourself to know stuff before you've had a chance to learn it is asking too much. You wouldn't ask that of anyone else, would you?

Failure is what happens when you give up, not before.

I can relate to the dream! Mine is standing in the woods, outside a warm, brightly lit cabin. In the snow and cold. Looking in the window and thinking that life will always be from the outside looking in. When I walk away, I tell myself that I don't need or want that anyway. It's just a dream!

Hang in there !

 

[Whirlwind]

You did the best you knew how at the time. That's FINE. Probably better than fine.

Failure is what happens when you give up, not before

Thanks for this, it helps.

I'm overflowing with realizations lately and its been hard, thanks for the "pat on the back", I really appreciate it.

 

[xena21]

I get it too. I can see how you can feel so overwhelmed. My therapist keeps telling me, "its a process". I like her a lot, but those repeated words are getting old. I know its a process but sometimes the process seems to be going backwards, you know? PTSD is a bitch. I understand that the only way to get through it is to really fight your way and battle like its your life at stake. That's the way I feel most days. I know for me, I am on the edge a lot of the time, not knowing how things will turn out. It is just an ongoing battle that needs to be fought. If you have a good therapist, they will help you fight that battle, and hopefully some day you will win the war.