Spouse Of Ptsd

[MouseWedger]

Lady,
I have tried but sometimes I find it hard to speak. Just keeping from the black out stage takes a lot of work for me. The last party we went to was at Easter, the anniversary of my sexual assault, and people were drinking quite a bit. I got really anxious, and just told him I needed to go home. I was quiet on the five minute ride back, and when we walked in the door I headed straight for the Xanax because I was losing my grip. When he realized what I was grabbing he knew. Sometimes because it can be hard to say "Hey, this is bothering me. Lets move away from it" sometimes it helps to find a one word code that he can say that will let you know he's slipping. Penguin is my word. It doesnt come up in conversation a lot, so my hubby knows if that word comes out of my mouth it's time to step away from whatever stimuli is going on. Good luck, keep posting. If you have questions you are always welcome to message me.
Mouse

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette, did you find your husband being open and honest with you about his triggers to help?

He didn't tell me but made it clear when he needed to be alone. I learned to read the signs and then discover some of the triggers myself. Remember not all are triggers - some days are just plain old bad PTSD. Stress affects them all - good and bad - so that is a thing to monitor.

I'm trying to have my husband tell me when he's getting anxious or stressed or when he's having thoughts of getting into porn to cope so I can help him avoid that. I'm trying not to take too much responsibility with his illness, while trying to juggle helping him get better.

I would suggest you cut down the complexity of this by just find a signal or word that he can say to tell you he is not well otherwise you may inadvertently, with good intentions, create added stress. Like I said - I learned the signs very quickly and would just ask for clarification so I knew what I was working with. I would just ask "are you sick". No meant he was normal sick like the flu or just in a mood but no answer meant yes. You have to keep it simple as don't forget it is their brain's overloading which causes some of these situations.

 

[intothelight]

Hi LadyRig,

My PTSD is caused by childhood abuse and domestic violence. It wasn't until a little over a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. I did do conventional talk therapy for 8 or 9 months and this did give me the tools to help with the symptoms, but at this time I really am trying to figure out what the best course of action would be.

If I was able, I would undergo Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are several therapy models based on this and research supports this approach is the most effective. This is the type of therapy I am having my daughters get. But financially, there isn't enough disposable income to pay for their therapy and mine. So I am kind of working on my own using the CBT model and principals.

Please take a look at the WIKI section on therapy. I think you will find a lot of useful information there. But remember, you husband is the one that will need to be responsible for wanting and seeking his own help. You can provide information and make you needs know, and the rest is up to him.

Debbie

 

[Lady Rig]

We're doing the talk therapy combined with some CBT. He's had 2 appointments and the last one was the first one the therapist did some CBT through tapping methods to calm my husband down. It seemed to work. I'll take a closer look into the CBT therapy and see what else is out there. Thanks!

 

[Lady Rig]

We discussed implementing a safeword for my husband. I think it's a great idea! I've read a few posts of spouses that cheated simply so they could be with someone who didn't know about their condition and wouldn't have to hear a constant barrage of caring in the form of asking how they feel all the time. I don't want to be in that position so we're going to use a safeword when he's feeling triggered. Thanks for that idea! That's part of what I love so much about this forum. You can get advice from people that have or are there right now. Everyone is so nice and helpful!

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Lady Rig,

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that you had to find your way here. However, there is lots of good information and support here.

I have PTSD from childhood experiences. PTSD is different for everyone. Some general symptoms can be similar and other more specific ones can different. Nobody is to blame for having PTSD and the symptoms tend to be out of a PTSDers control. For example, I can't just stop my dissociation if I become overwhelmed. It is a safety mechanism which has basically become a reflex. However at therapy I am working on stopping that reflex from taking control of me. It is not easy, but absolutely necessary if I want to become a professor.

Everyone is allowed feelings. Feelings themselves cannot be chosen. We can learn to soften feelings and calm ourselves down. How we act upon those feelings, however, is in our control. It may sound easier than it is, but with hard work at therapy we can learn to control our actions.

Certain behaviors, however, absolutely need to be learned to be controlled through therapy. Some behaviors may be triggered by certain stimuli, but the person with PTSD still needs to be in control of his or her behaviors. An example of that type of behavior is physical aggression. There is no excuse for abusing someone. Cheating is also more of a behavioral choice than simply a symptom.

None of this is easy. You have rights and responsibilities. Your husband has rights and responsibilities. These all need to be communicated and agreed upon. Caring for someone does not mean allowing yourself to be abused. If your husband cannot learn or does not learn to not cheat, you have a right to make a decision what is best for you.

Take care!