Spriling Out Of Control...

[lostforgottensoul]

I have no clue why im posting this, i vowed to stop posting on the site after what happened yesterday; but im going mad cooped up in my bedroom trying like hell to figure out how to counter my thoughts and its not f*cking working.

I wonder if im broken for life, how ever long that is!

Im posting outside of my diary because no one is following it, i lost a friend in here over it, thus why i didnt want to post a diary for the first f*cking place.

But yet i remain talking to myself...

I do bad, horrible, not moral things and have no idea why...makes my head shut up but then it starts with punishments. Thats my life, do a bad horrible thing(s) then punish myself for it; rest of the day im numb and just going through the motions on auto piolt.

My therapist says i do it for control of it; but i dont really want to. Its like taking a hit of a drug, makes it go away for a while but yet knowing you shouldnt be doing it...

Its all too much to allow myself to feel it.

Have not a clue why i hold on to it all so tight; it defines me (to me) but i cant answer what i think will happen if i let it go. I'll disapear? Dont know what it feels like without it. What am i without it? Who am i?

I f*ck everything up, fit in no where, freak people out, push people away but in my head begging them not to go away...cant talk when i want to take every single one of my pills and down it with a bottle of vodka (doesnt work anyway) and no one to talk to when i do.

However, if people think i dont want to get better, they are wrong. Though it seems that way, i feel like im trapped inside myself, no way out, sratching until my fingers bleed, fighting myself as hard as i can and i end up worse than when no one knew?

I want to go back in myself, those days were more "normal" and at least i wasnt completely alone as i am now!

Why am i still breathing??????????

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure what might be helpful for me to write, but I didn't want to leave your post without commenting.

Do you self sooth, does it help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I didn't want to leave your post without commenting.

:unsure: Thanks, its ok...im used to talking to myself.

Do you self sooth, does it help.

I do at night in order to ease the fear and go to sleep. Dont wanna say what, being too honest is what label me as a freak (my interpitation) by someone in the first place, thus the tailspin. Worst one yet and not sure if i can dig myself out of this one...

Just so tired....

Tired of fighting....

 

[ghotiff]

You're not a freak. I like to label my issues as quirks rather than issues/symptoms/problems, it helps me to feel less odd.

Can you do that self sooth now? Can you be kind enough to yourself to allow yourself to do it.

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma diaries can be triggering to write, and triggering for some people to read. Many people don't follow them, and it has little do with you.

I can relate to the pattern of making a mistake, despite how hard I was trying to do things better, having a relationship fall apart, and trying to find control over the pain of it by punishing myself.

You don't need to punish yourself anymore and pushing away these feeling will lead to them only coming back later, and coming back stronger. The numb-flood cycle can be a doosy.

Hang on through the storm, and you will find you on the other side of this. I know this probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it's true.

Maybe try finding something, anything safe, to hold in your hands. Maybe something comforting like a soft blanket or something grounding like holding ice. Sometimes when I feel that really strong urge to punish myself, ice works really well. It's a middle ground of sorts. It hurts because it's cold, so it's a little '
"punishing," but it's not damaging, and it doesn't release the same endorphins as other forms of self injury - and those endorphins can fuel the cycle of being numb and then flooded with pain, which can fuel wanting to self injure/punish more. Ice is an alternative used by a number of intensive PTSD treatment programs. Ice can sometimes settle everything out. It helps bring the body out of being numb without being flooded with too much pain and more urges to self injure.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Trauma diaries can be triggering to write, and triggering for some people to read. Many people don't follow them, and it has little do with you.

Hense why i didnt want to start one, talking to myself does nothing or id have a written one. People were telling me to start one so i did and due to my honesty (and in my perception of what they said) im a freak that "has no intention on trying to better myself"

My step mom.and dad (though in her diary and wasnt for me to read) says i "emotional abuse them"

Everyone else has already left...

ice works really well.

I used to do that when i wanted to cut...it stopped working for me years ago

Id really like to take a baseball bat and distroy everything in my house

Can you do that self sooth now? Can you be kind enough to yourself to allow yourself to do it.

Why would i want to be kind to myself? Id like to go "hannabal lector" on my face, thus why i hate mirrors...

The 'self soothing' thing i do makes me feel...actually makes me cry; i want numb. Last night, after trying it, it was too much and i was up til 6 am figuring out what combination of pills i can take that my body wont expel while listening for the Amtrack train trying to time it cuz since it comes by at like 100 mph cops watch the track and im not trying to get myself committed...

If my step mom and dad werent hear id go to walgreens and buy out their duster and foget it all; hense why they moved back in...

I know you guys are just trying to help, im sorry :sorry:

 

[ghotiff]

Not for now, but for future...self soothing works for me if I do it Before spiraling down, once down in that dark place it doesn't interest me or work.

It sounds like your dark place has adrenalin in it. Does exercise help. Can you angrily vacumn the house, scrub the grout with a toothbrush. Just thoughts.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It sounds like your dark place has adrenalin in it. Does exercise help. Can you angrily vacumn the house, scrub the grout with a toothbrush. Just thoughts.

Def in that pitch black hole with no way out.

Cant do much physical stuff, broke my back in '09 and now have chronic pain and neuroparhy in my legs. So bad they put a morphine pump in me.

Another reason going away sounds like such a freaking good idea. Being in pain 24/7 is depressing in of itself.

I dont know...i'll live, i always do...

Still feel im broken for life.

I try as hard as i can and all that happens is people leave....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Its why i was trying to find a cult recovery forum (but the only one, the one given to.me isnt active anymore)

No one here gets why i just have to self do the rituals. f*ck, i donr get why i have to ans it pisses people off...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

People get frustrated with me cuz i cant get it, i cant seem to snap out of the cult belief. I.cant even seem to see that what they did was bad because they did it to me...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im just that freak that does freakish stuff

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Now my hand hurts cuz i hit the side of my dresser..