Spriling Out Of Control...

[lostforgottensoul]

Not for now, but for future...self soothing works for me if I do it Before spiraling down, once down in...

Im just gonna frustrate you cuz it sounds like im making excuses instead of trying and thats not the truth but thats how it comes across...

Everyone becomes frustrated w/ me....

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not frustrated with you. I can see your pain. I've been down that dark place, it's hard to see much from there.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you contacted your therapist or a crisis line? Making plans to die and self harming over and over are some pretty strong red flags it's time to get some to make a plan to be safe. All the rest will be better sorted out much more easily once the immediate needs are addressed with proper help. I'm concerned about how you are doing.

I'm not frustrated. Your theory that everyone become frustrated with you is not quite accurate. And it's ok that it's not accurate. Just gently pointing this out. EVERYONE has distorted beliefs. I think maybe you get a lot of feedback about yours because you write them so honestly and frankly.

So I'm going to say it's ok to have inaccurate distorted thoughts. It's not ideal, but everyone has them, and it doesn't mean you are a failure or just too brainwashed or that need to end your life. The cult did seriously impact you, but it's not true that you are a horrible person now. You are not a freak. And it's also ok that you don't believe something different yet.

The process to undo cult beliefs is not going from thinking that you are horrible (not true) to believing you are an amazing person (which is true) very quickly.

The process involves considering the possibility that there might be other data to indicate other beliefs might be more true than what you have believed. You are doing that. You return to the old beliefs, but you keep identifying that you believe what the cult taught, and that you can't always see what others see.... which indicates that you believe another way of seeing things is possible. Maybe. You turn it back in on yourself and say you are horrible for not seeing what others see - which is going back to what the cult taught you... but that doesn't change the good steps you do take to begin to consider that there may be other ways of thinking.

It's common that breaking free from brainwashed cult thinking is going to stir up a shit load of symptoms at times. In the middle of all these symptoms right now, I want to point out that you are taking good steps. I know you feel so hopeless, but there is so much reason to hope.

Im just that freak that does freakish stuff

Im just gonna frustrate you cuz it sounds like im making excuses instead of trying and thats not the truth but thats how it comes across...

Everyone becomes frustrated w/ me....

Some people might get frustrated. Not everyone. Someone being frustrated with you may be very painful. But you don't need to off yourself because someone is pissed at you... You get to exist in the world and make mistakes and still have value.

Being kind to yourself probably feels and is kinda impossible in this moment. So how about changing just one negative thought to something more neutral, not as something you fully believe, but as a possible hypothesis?

Instead of, "I am a freak" or something super positive, what about "It is possible that I'm a human who isn't perfect or horrible." Or something else that is nuetral?

And yes, it will take time to believe something new. The world has been upside down for you, and your brain adjusted. It's really pretty amazing that you survived what you have. Yep, really amazing. You survived a cult, you adapted, and you were quite resilient to do so. You learned to act and think a certain way to survive it. You believed their crap because you had to. You didn't learn the cult's beliefs overnight, and it's going to take time to believe something different.

Its going to be hard to adjust to life being right side up. Most people need support along the way to adjust.

A key part of this path is reaching out to safe people who really know you, like your therapist, who want to help and can support your recovery more deeply than just an internet forum - one for cult recovery and/or trauma. People who are less likely than an internet forum to communicate things that will just keep triggering and spinning you out more. It's good to reach out various places, and it's time to add in the support of reaching out to your therapist or any other support in place for tough times like this like a crisis line. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist is in a group, i cant reach out to him but im talking this out on the other thread https://www.myptsd.com/threads/good...r-deprogram-one-self.58893/page-3#post-948539

Im sorry im crowding a thread with this...i have to get it out of my head so i dont hurt myself...because the pain is too much

 

[ghotiff]

You get to exist in the world and make mistakes and still have value

I like this....it is very true.