worthymisfit
New Here
Hi Folks, and thank you for having this wonderful space on the interwebs. I have been following the threads on this forum for about a month now which I have found extremely helpful and validating both for what I am going through right now, and for what I have experienced in the past.
I was officially diagnosed with PTSD last August as a result of a medical test I had done, although I already knew I was a sufferer for a long time.
I am of the C-PTSD variety. I was trapped in a life of emotional abuse and extreme control by my father, and bullying (both physical and emotional) in school. I have a passive, submissive mother who took (and still takes) a "sweep it under the rug" approach to life. Being in this environment from essentially pre-school until I graduated high-school at 18 was pretty much the perfect storm.
Within the first week of college I unraveled. I had no social skills and no ability to cope with the real world because of my strict upbringing, no trust for anyone, and after being exposed to hundreds of kids at school and seeing them interact with their families I had the sudden realization that my childhood was not normal which threw me into a deep depression.
By my Junior year of college, the depression had gotten so bad that I wasn't eating and wasn't getting out of bed. I had no friends or advocates or family that could or would help. I had no idea what was wrong with me and I truly didn't think I would survive it. Finally, right before Christmas break Junior year I realized I hadn't eaten in three days and forced myself out of bed to get something to eat at the cafeteria. While standing in line for food, I passed out and hit the back of my head on the concrete floor. I ended up with a severe concussion and vertigo, which was my wake up call. I needed help. I went to my GP and she put me on antidepressants which I credit with saving my life. I was on my parents insurance at the time and they did not believe in therapy, so I pretty much had to figure it out on my own from there.
To get better I knew I would need to be my own therapist because I had no other option, no money, no self-esteem. I developed techniques to help myself that I have used my whole life since, which luckily have helped me greatly.
Unfortunately, the stress from my childhood has resulted in a lot of chronic health problems for me. I first developed Reynauds Disease at 22, and then started suffering from crippling joint pain at about 24 years old. I went to several doctors for the pain who all basically told me I was nuts and they couldn't find anything wrong with me, or they didn't know what it was and told me to take advil. I gave up and just accepted the fact that I was going to be crippled and in pain for the rest of my life. At my worst I was taking 16 ibuprofen a day to get through it, I slept with ice packs wrapped around my knees and shoulders, I slept in my clothes because it was too painful to take them off. Finally, at 28 I had a friend visit me who saw the pain I was in and suggested I try an allergy elimination diet, which I did, and long story short finally got diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Once I went on a gluten-free diet and started managing my health, I felt like I was in a good enough place to move away from my family and my old life and start over.
Two years ago I left the mid-west and headed to the east coast and it has been the best thing I could have done for myself. I have found a doctor here who has helped me with my health tremendously, both emotionally and physically. To see what my past has done to my body in test results and numbers is very validating.
Now that I feel like I have finally started my life at 32 years old. Although now that I have physically removed myself from the people and the situation that was causing me so much stress, I have had a lot of other issues come up related to my PTSD. I struggle now with learning how to meet new people, trust people, relate to people who you can't relate to because you didn't come from a "normal" background. I struggle with figuring out how to answer basic questions from people without explaining my crazy past. I struggle with more flashbacks than I ever have, mostly because I am exposing myself to more triggering situations in an effort to live a whole life. I've learned to put up a good front. Most people have no idea that I'm a hot mess inside, or the anxiety that I feel in certain situations, or the past that I carry with me because I know how to smooth it over... but its still there.
I hope this forum can help me on my journey, help me feel like I'm not the only one who has felt these things, help me feel a little bit normal in an abnormal circumstance, and help me feel like my experience can at least help others in their journey to survive. So thank you for welcoming me here.
I was officially diagnosed with PTSD last August as a result of a medical test I had done, although I already knew I was a sufferer for a long time.
I am of the C-PTSD variety. I was trapped in a life of emotional abuse and extreme control by my father, and bullying (both physical and emotional) in school. I have a passive, submissive mother who took (and still takes) a "sweep it under the rug" approach to life. Being in this environment from essentially pre-school until I graduated high-school at 18 was pretty much the perfect storm.
Within the first week of college I unraveled. I had no social skills and no ability to cope with the real world because of my strict upbringing, no trust for anyone, and after being exposed to hundreds of kids at school and seeing them interact with their families I had the sudden realization that my childhood was not normal which threw me into a deep depression.
By my Junior year of college, the depression had gotten so bad that I wasn't eating and wasn't getting out of bed. I had no friends or advocates or family that could or would help. I had no idea what was wrong with me and I truly didn't think I would survive it. Finally, right before Christmas break Junior year I realized I hadn't eaten in three days and forced myself out of bed to get something to eat at the cafeteria. While standing in line for food, I passed out and hit the back of my head on the concrete floor. I ended up with a severe concussion and vertigo, which was my wake up call. I needed help. I went to my GP and she put me on antidepressants which I credit with saving my life. I was on my parents insurance at the time and they did not believe in therapy, so I pretty much had to figure it out on my own from there.
To get better I knew I would need to be my own therapist because I had no other option, no money, no self-esteem. I developed techniques to help myself that I have used my whole life since, which luckily have helped me greatly.
Unfortunately, the stress from my childhood has resulted in a lot of chronic health problems for me. I first developed Reynauds Disease at 22, and then started suffering from crippling joint pain at about 24 years old. I went to several doctors for the pain who all basically told me I was nuts and they couldn't find anything wrong with me, or they didn't know what it was and told me to take advil. I gave up and just accepted the fact that I was going to be crippled and in pain for the rest of my life. At my worst I was taking 16 ibuprofen a day to get through it, I slept with ice packs wrapped around my knees and shoulders, I slept in my clothes because it was too painful to take them off. Finally, at 28 I had a friend visit me who saw the pain I was in and suggested I try an allergy elimination diet, which I did, and long story short finally got diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Once I went on a gluten-free diet and started managing my health, I felt like I was in a good enough place to move away from my family and my old life and start over.
Two years ago I left the mid-west and headed to the east coast and it has been the best thing I could have done for myself. I have found a doctor here who has helped me with my health tremendously, both emotionally and physically. To see what my past has done to my body in test results and numbers is very validating.
Now that I feel like I have finally started my life at 32 years old. Although now that I have physically removed myself from the people and the situation that was causing me so much stress, I have had a lot of other issues come up related to my PTSD. I struggle now with learning how to meet new people, trust people, relate to people who you can't relate to because you didn't come from a "normal" background. I struggle with figuring out how to answer basic questions from people without explaining my crazy past. I struggle with more flashbacks than I ever have, mostly because I am exposing myself to more triggering situations in an effort to live a whole life. I've learned to put up a good front. Most people have no idea that I'm a hot mess inside, or the anxiety that I feel in certain situations, or the past that I carry with me because I know how to smooth it over... but its still there.
I hope this forum can help me on my journey, help me feel like I'm not the only one who has felt these things, help me feel a little bit normal in an abnormal circumstance, and help me feel like my experience can at least help others in their journey to survive. So thank you for welcoming me here.
