Standing On The Precipice

[FauxLiz]

For the past month each of you have supported me in my journey to seek out inpatient treatment for my PTSD I have spoken to the hospital anonymously and I understand that I am at a point that the next step really is to just walk thru the doors be honest and seek a full assessment. If I "qualify" which my therapist believes that if I am honest about what I am truly going through multiple daily panic attacks, inability to focus at work or complete work assignments in a timely or on time manner, isolationism, self harm, medication and alcohol abuse, struggles to take care of basic daily activities such as personal hygiene, laundry, house cleaning, suicidal thoughts and attempts that I will qualify.

My issue is that I have been trying so hard to hold on to life by a thread, I have been trying to get my son through the end of the school year, complete certain work projects so that I can try to hold on to my job if I take this leave. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and I see my psychiatrist this week which has me terrified as it will be the first time I see him since I have accepted that I need greater help than what I am getting in outpatient. I am terrified to walk into the ER/ED department for the assessment. I don't want to go alone, I can't put my son through that and I live 1200 miles away from any other family and wouldn't ask them anyway as I have never told any of them what I have been through in my life.

My T. believes that I can trust to ask certain friends for help but they have no idea abut my past and I don't want to burden them with any of this information. I guess I am just wondering from others of you out there that have Isolated themselves for so long how do you

 

[Sideways]

How do you get yourself into the ED?

Can you ask your T? My T has come to a lot of appointments and things with me because I have no one else to ask.

If you do ask a friend, that doesn't mean you have to tell them your whole life story - "My mental health isn't crash hot, I need to get assessed to figure out what's going on". End of story. You may feel like a burden, but it's just a feeling. That's the kind of stuff friends do for each other.

But you know, me personally, when I've had to front up to the ED while I've been lucid, I've done it alone. I regret putting myself through that unnecessarily each time, but I can't bring myself to involve anyone else. Too humiliating.

Thing is though, the ED is the one place in the world where you can pretty much guarantee that the only person noticing you is the triage nurse. No one else cares, not in the ED. They're in the ED, and even without your anxiety and ptsd on board, it's probably the worst day of their year, possibly their life. So you having a meltdown? It's ok. It's probably the one place where having a meltdown is par for the course.

So when I walk myself into the ED, I'm half out of it, tapping my right hand like crazy, tears streaming down my face, small teddy gripped tightly in my left hand. And it's okay, because no one else in that room cares. They're too busy having their own really really bad day. So me and my teddy and my meltdown just put one foot in front of the other. We look like a mess, but so does everyone else in the room and they really are too preoccupied to barely register that I'm there. So it's just one foot in front of the other.

 

[GardenGirl0214]

I like the suggestion of asking your T to accompany you, if at all possible. If she's not able to, you'll have lost nothing. If she is able to do it, think of what a tremendous support that would be. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I don't know what you mean when you say you don't want to put your son through that. I guess I'm just confused about that part. But I will tell you part of my story, in the hopes that it will help you. My sons are 21 and 18. After the birth of both of them, I had severe postpartum depression. It was even worse after the birth of my second son! I was hospitalized numerous times during their early childhood. They were well cared for by family members during my hospitalizations. But once I was stable, I was able to fully carry out my responsibilities to them. I worried about how my hospitalizations and my illness would affect them. But, they were absolutely fine.

I also agree that if you do have friends you can rely on to help, then you should ask for help. As was mentioned, you could just explain that you haven't been feeling well and need to have an assessment done in order to determine the course of treatment. It's a short and honest explanation! If they are true friends and have the ability to help you, they will.

Your son needs a healthy mom! It sounds like you are under a great deal of stress, and you owe it to your son and yourself to get the help you need. You're stronger than you think! Good luck!! Please keep us posted.

 

[FauxLiz]

Ragdoll thank you for the perspective you are right it is unlikely anyone in the ED is going to be paying any attention to me and I have never thought of it in those terms, when I have been to the ED in the past for other reasons I am always so hypervigilent about who is around me, do i see anyone I know, in part because of the work that I do that puts in the public eye (which really doesn't help my anxiety issues).

I could ask my T to go with me but I won't out of fear of rejection. When it comes to asking a friend to take me, that is the advice my T gives me but I am afraid the ED will want to ask them questions or involve them in decision making that will reveal more to them than I am ready or want them to know. When I say I don't want to put my son through it, I mean taking me to the ED. He is only 16 and can legally drive but as emotional as I expect this to be for him to see me break down like that even though he knows I am working to get help and is encouraging me to stop procrastinating that is a potentially traumatic event I don't want to be responsible for putting him through.