Sufferer Star girl. lost best friend to suicide at 14.

[MyLostStarGirl]

I lost my best friend to suicide at the age of fourteen. I recieved her email at two in the morning, called the cops, but couldn't save her. I still seven years later say I couldn't save her. After going through years of therapy, hating her, loving her, hating her again, forgiving her, and my own suicide stint, which included a stay in a mental health ward. To this day I still have moments, long moments, where I believe without a shadow of a doubt I could have saved her. Maybe not that night, but surely before that. In the weeks and months, hell the years, leading up to that f*cking night. I believe it. My nightmares and imagination won't let me rest. I can't watch a movie that even hints at someone hanging without dissociating. I couldn't speak to my last therapist about her. I don't remember what happened exactly just screaming. My dad said I threw something. She is everywhere I look. Haunts my waking hours with dopplegangers and my sleep with night terrors. I am anger because if I am strong enough to go to that brink and find my way back why couldn't she? Yet I love her so much still because she was a light so bright the world is ten shades darker now that she is gone. I just want to find a way to live in a bright world again. A way to no longer place her in every memory she should have been in but couldn't. A way to continue breathing when I see someone my age that could have been her. A way to keep breathing without my Star Girl.

 

[Health heal explore]

Welcome!! I'm new here too.. I am so so sorry for what you have experienced. It is truly heart breaking. The people here are so kind and supportive. I can't relate to your situation. My closest friend has experienced something similar and I find it hard knowing the right ways to try and support her. She is such a lovely kind person as I imagine you are. Always thinking of others first. I'm sure the people here will have advise and know how to support. I just wanted you to know you've already been heard. Good luck.

 

[Esterio]

Hi there MyLostStarGirl.
Welcome to this community. This is meant to be a safe place for us to come and share,support and to be supported. I am very sorry for you at the loss of your best friend. Please accept my sincere Condolences. Have you tried to see a grief councillor may help. It has been suggested to me as I seem to have some deaths that I have not properly grieved for yet.
I had a friend that killed himself at my home when I was away at work. He had attempted to a few times before he finally was successful. I was around for the attempts and was able to help him and get him to hospital. I was his go to person if he was having trouble he called or came to my house. I still wish that I could have been there and he would have lived another day. He was determined to do this I am not sure how many times or years that I tried to help him It was a few. I had to stop beating myself up over it. I know he meant no harm to me. I also know the reason behind all of his attempts and his death. I understand he could not live with it. I still wish i could have been there one more time. I don't know if that thought will ever leave me.
They think that I need grief counselling for his death and that 32 years ago. It has not been set up yet, but I am intending on going
Peace be safe

 

[MyLostStarGirl]

Welcome!! I'm new here too.. I am so so sorry for what you have experienced. It is truly he...

Just knowing you are there for her. It will help. A ear or a shoulder. Its not always about what you can say, sometimes it's just being there. Thank you for being here for me.

 

[Casey_03]

I wonder if there is any sort of volunteer work you could do for suicide prevention? It seems like that might help you cope, and you seem very passionate. Use that pain to help others. I think there are a lot of young girls out there who would benefit from someone who has directly experienced the effects of suicide. Professional therapists can't usually offer that kind of insight, but you can.

 

[joeylittle]

@MyLostStarGirl - thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear of what happened, and how hard things are for you.

May I ask, have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

Also - whether you have or haven't - there are certain trauma therapies that are especially helpful for people who have experienced traumatic events. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is one, and it is quite effective. Are you seeing a therapist currently/can you look into seeing one?

 

[Health heal explore]

Just knowing you are there for her. It will help. A ear or a shoulder. Its not always about what...

Thank you for saying that. I'm learning the power of real hugs atm. I hope you have someone close, who even if they don't understand can be there for hugs at least. I hope you've found the understanding support you need hear.

 

[MyLostStarGirl]

@MyLostStarGirl - thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear of what h...

My current therapist just recently diagnosed me with PTSD. I never really considered it before. Rather I never really thought it was strange that I was still so...devastated? I am now learning about treatment options, therapist who specialize, etc...honestly though it feels harder now...like shes always here. I am dragging her back to the surface. Everything gets worse before it gets better right?