Relationship Started Dating Someone With C-ptsd

[we are fated]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this forum, but i've been reading for a while. I've been dating someone who has C-PTSD and he has recently pulled back from our relationship. After two weeks of very little contact we met up and talked last night and he explained to me the reason for him distancing himself from us. He said that his trauma has affected his life & ruined his relationships for so long that with me he wasn't going to let it happen again. But he said he has to do it by himself as he doesn't want me dragged into the whole process of sorting his head out. He said meeting me has made him realise he can't keep making the same mistakes and he is sorting himself out because of me, but he can't be with me while he does.

I totally respect this, and I genuinely think he's doing the right thing if we stand a proper chance, but I'm finding it so hard to not be there for him. I've told him that I'm here no matter what, and I've tried to do as much reading up about C-PTSD as I can, but knowing he is totally on his own with this is killing me.

I just wondered if anyone here has any advice about how best i can go about supporting him, whilst allowing him the space he needs. I know it's not personal, but doubts sometimes creep in and make me think he just doesn't want me around.

I feel so selfish even thinking about my own problems when he has so much to deal with and is going through so much, but we know we'll end up together eventually, which makes is impossible for me to just turn my back on him.

If anyone has any advice about how I can quietly support him without pushing him I would be so grateful.

Thank you! x

 

[Darklord]

We are hard to date. It has been my experience that people either do not understand PTSD or do not want to even acknowledge that it exists. I have even been told that it is my fault for the way I feel. Because of this, I only open up to the people I truly trust. When anyone tells me what I'm feeling is not real or valid, I cut them from my life. Romantic relationships have ended as a result of this.

My advice is not to say you understand, but to affirm that you will be there for whatever emotional support you can. I broke up with my girlfriend because of PTSD. We're back together, because she has been nonjudgmental and affirms that she will be by my side, no matter what. I've heard that before, so I don't know what to do. She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. I take it at face value and hope for the best.

I wish you the best,
Jordan

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You have to trust that this isn't about you. Hard, I know, but it's not. Think of it this way. He is bettering himself BECAUSE OF YOU! (I stress that as it is the ultimate complement!) You've made him see that he needs to heal. I know it's hard being apart, but if he truly works on himself, your future relationship will be all the better.

Tell him that you're there for him. If you do see him, just hang out as friends and keep it strictly platonic. Don't pressure him or drop by his home/work unexpectedly (that freaks many sufferers out).

I wish you the best! (I am a sufferer.)

 

[WillyKat]

Bless you for wanting to help him get through this. We do need a lot of space and like Darklord said, we're hard to date, hard to be around some times. Our heads have a lot of crap in them, and its not the kind that our elected officials have either. We feel like we're a burden to people a lot, we don't understand how to interact very well, we get upset over a lot of small things.

My advice is to do what you are doing, find out more about PTSD. There's an articles section of the forum you should check out and more stuff on the internet. Some of it is specifically for supporters.

 

[we are fated]

HI Jordan, Solara & Willycat,

Thank you so much for your advice, it's so helpful and interesting to hear from actual sufferers. You're saying things that he can't say to me, so thanks so much for sharing.

You're right Jordan, I shouldn't tell him I understand, as truthfully, I don't. I'm trying my best to load myself with knowledge so I CAN understand more, but it would be an insult to him to say that i understood what he was going through. I told him that I thought he was doing the right thing and taking the right steps, and said he didn't know me well enough if he thought I would just walk away from him.

Solara, that is such good advice to keep things platonic and to not pressure him to do things. I'm so tempted to make contact (but this would be to aid my insecurities, not to help him which would be selfish of me) and to suggest we hang out with no pressure attached, but I'm just not sure what will push him further away, and what he will accept as being possible at the moment.

So I suppose it's sort of up to him now. I work with him as well so it's a bit tricky to not see him/not feel like he's treating me differently than he was a few weeks ago. But I'll just have to suck it up, and respect that he is dealing with his issues.

Willycat - thank you so much for your advice. I've found it really comforting reading more about c-ptsd as it allows me to see where he's coming from in his thought processes. I know sufferer is different, but so many of the symptoms fit with his behaviour towards me recently that it makes me start to believe perhaps it isn't to do with me & he really is trying to prepare himself so he can have the best possible chance of a successful relationship with me,

When all is said and done, I just really care for him and it's heartbreaking to think that what he has been through at the hands of another is still affecting him so deeply, and I can't help.

Thanks again for all your advice, you've really helped me x x

 

[WillyKat]

Another thought: if his PTSD resulted from some kind of sexual abuse (and I'm not saying it does BTW), being intimate can be really hard. I was raped by a boy that was older than me, but dating women let alone being intimate with women is or at least was very hard for me. There are a lot of things I missed out on and a couple of occasions where I literally froze up.

So that platonic side that Solara mentioned is good advice.

One thing I really needed from a woman is the friendship and the support. Under the hood, the child inside me really needed the nurturance. But that's just me and we shouldn't extrapolate to him.

 

[p-no]

I'm finding it so hard to not be there for him

If anyone has any advice about how I can quietly support him

we are fated, welcome. :)

This may be a totally new concept for your thinking and viewing relationships... but I have been finding it true, both from my perspective as a sufferer and from my perspective as a supporter. By supporting YOURSELF, you support HIM.

What I mean is, if you get into his head, figuratively speaking, circling around him and his issues, you will get sucked in. Once that happens, you are neither helping yourself, nor him.

In my view and experience, someone with (what I call it) "severe PTSD" needs someone around them with a strong self and strong boundaries. People with (severe) PTSD (from abuse) have a lot of crap in their heads. I'd even go so far as to say "crap in their systems", as it's not only in their heads but also in their bodies, in their feelings and emotions, etc. I am one of them. I have read masses of posts on here from supporters wishing their sufferers to tell them "everything" and I can only say, if you knew "everything" that is in me, you would prefer going back to not knowing. That's because you are human, too, and have feelings and they can be hurt. You have boundaries and they can be crossed, etc...

I strongly believe (been there) that relationships with severe PTSD (from abuse) in the equation can work only if each of the two carry their own loads -- not judging how "much" or "little" that might be -- and here and there, help carry one another if and when they can.

No matter what you do, no matter how much you will read up on PTSD, you can not live his life for him, you can not share his pain as it is his. I do appreciate how that can feel, especially lately, for several reasons. And that is your pain.

I assume, if his PTSD is from abuse and lots of it, he might not be able to take on any more. If that is the case, he will have to be able to rely on his partner being able to deal with the things they own. Which does not mean he can't support you in several ways. It's just that the past never vanishes into thin air. Pain does, healing can make many things happen. I can only speak for myself, so, for me, lots of the pain of past trauma has ceased, some has eased, some is still there, but the mere facts about what happened will never leave my brain. My memories, for example, have never changed. An unloving mother in the past remains an unloving mother in the past. Even once worked through the pain from her actions, the mere fact that my life has been what it has been will remain. This can be difficult. Again, I am speaking of myself here and I think it always depends on the person, personality, traumatic events, severity of symptoms, etc.

What you do by supporting yourself (taking care of you, keep relationships other than the one with your partner, do things you enjoy (even when he is having a rough time), keeping your boundaries up (even if he does all he can, knowingly or not to get them to come down), dealing with your own issues, etc.) is making sure you can continue staying with your partner medium- and long-term because in addition to "normal" relationship issues, PTSD is in the boat with you. Unfortunately, it can be a strong and debilitating force.

"The PTSD Relationship" by Diane England has proven to be an excellent book for me.

Wishing you both well.

 

[we are fated]

Willykat, thank you for your thought. My lovely man was abused as a child by his mother, but as far as I know it wasn't sexual abuse. It was, however, sustained over a long period of time and consistent over a number of years to the point that he thought it was normal. Because it was his mother abusing him, he is petrified of anyone hurting him in that way again - I don't necessarily mean in the same way as his mother, but that total abuse of trust from someone who is supposed to love and look after him. So I think yours and Solara's advice to spend time with him platonically, even though we have been more intimate than that previously, will be a good foundation of trust for him to build upon hopefully, and good for me to feel more at ease being his friend.

Hi P-no. Thank you so much for your advice, what you say makes a lot if sense. I have been consumed by worrying for him these past two weeks and it's put me on the back foot a bit as I'm stressed and anxious and not my best, strong self. So to hear from your experience how important it is to support yourself through all of this so that you can in turn support your partner is really good to hear, and something I'm definitely going to take on board. The doubts are always going to be there, it seems impossible to turn them off, especially as I'm hyper-aware of his behaviours now, but I'm going to make a conscious effort for the sake of him & myself to stand in the strongest stead I can.

Just wish it didn't hurt so much! And more importantly, just wish he wasn't suffering x

 

[we are fated]

I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic that he won't come back to me. I know he's said he's sorting himself out because of me, but I'm so frightened I'm losing him. Doubts are so hard to rationalise in the middle of the night, especially when distance and giving space is a key part of supporting him. I can't ask him for reassurance as he's given me all the reassurance he can at the moment. I can't possibly ask for a timescale, and just wish I could be stronger for him.

 

[kahlan]

Welcome to the forum. :) You aren't alone, and there are some very supportive and great people here!

I've found (and it doesn't always work) distracting yourself with activities you really enjoy help with the withdrawl of the one you care about.

Intellectually you know you need to let them be alone, that you can't fix everything, that they just can't deal with the relationship AND what's in their head right now. What's in your heart keeps saying the opposite (at least in my case o_O) Its hard to listen to your head when your feelings are so strong.

 

[we are fated]

HI Kahlan,

Thanks so much for your welcome & support. I think today is the first day I've been able to focus long enough to think about distracting myself with something. This form is a genuine god-send for me, something to help me piece together what is actually happening, with people who are going through similar situations.

My heart is the bane of my life at the moment! Always telling me to do the opposite of what I know is right! I'm having to contain all my feelings because I know he can't deal with them, but I want to spend at least some time with him so we can stay on track to an extent.

Do you genuinely find your mind is taken off your anxiety by doing things you enjoy? I'm finding it hard to enjoy things because I'm so consumed by it all. It is still very early days for me though, so I guess in time I'll find it easier. I hope!

 

[sthrngirl]

Like many have said, you can't take it personal. It is hard and dating someone with PTSD is NOT easy nor is it for everyone, but given the time and effort, I believe it is genuinely rewarding and worth it.