Relationship Started Dating Someone With C-ptsd

[bell]

I think it's also important to remember this, he may not come back. And that's okay. That doesn't mean you weren't fated to meet and fall in love. Just that it was the wrong time.

 

[we are fated]

Bell, I hear you, but it's so hard to even think about him not coming back just yet, I feel like I have to stay hopeful, for him as much as for myself. He doesn't have to be alone in this and I don't mean in the way that I'll be there on his shoulder not giving him any space or time to deal, but he has no one. And I think it's important for him to know that there is someone who isn't walking away from him.

Judging by what he's told me about how he feels about me, I think I'm going to trust him and take what he says at face value as much as I can until he tells me otherwise. It would take him telling me he doesn't want to be with ME for me to walk away, not that he can't be with me now and needs a time out which is what he's said.

I do hear what you're saying though, and I respect your opinion so thank you for sharing. The reality of someone not coming back is definitely something I may have to face, but I'm holding out hope that it won't come to that.

x

 

[bell]

I agree with you on all points @we are fated. I just wanted to point out that if it doesn't work out that doesn't mean you weren't still fated to fall for one another. It's totally possible to be there for them (and I think that when they have no one it's important to know someone's there!!) and to be there for yourself as well, y'know?

And note that it could literally be *years* until he is ready. And if that's so, you need to live life as best as you can for yourself and not put things on hold! I think that's what a lot of us sufferers are trying to point out here... Getting better *literally* takes years (if not a decade or more) in most cases.... and a lot of people either aren't prepared to hear that or think that their case is different. Take it from a sufferer who has been on both sides of the fence, your case is likely going to take a very very long time to get better.

I'm not telling you to lose hope, just to realize the reality of the situation. This is unlike every other relationship you have ever been in. Is the love real? Yes! But there are barriers and walls higher than you have most likely ever met before.

Edited to add: Sorry if I sound curt, but I have seen many, many, many posts on here with people professing their undying love for someone and then a month later saying "it was too hard" or something like it. Therefore, I want to be blunt and tell the truth. This is not something that can get better with just your love. It takes a lot of work from their part. And, as a sufferer, I can honestly say it will be the toughest battle they will ever face. Best of luck to you.

 

[kahlan]

I follow the fake it til I feel it mindset. I won't necessarily be able to initially enjoy what I'm doing or fully distract myself, sometimes its harder than others, especially if you know that there's a good chance he will do something very bad in the plave he's at, but keep trying and trying til it works. It helps me having an insanely active 3 year old, and also writing it down to.get it out helps a lot too. My supporter diary here tends to get a lot more action when I'm having trouble getting through the isolating.

 

[kahlan]

@ Bell: but I have seen many, many, many posts on here with people professing their undying love for someone and then a month later saying "it was too hard" or something like it.(trying to.use quotes doesn't work well :$)

Those same posts have made me question a few times if I can deal with all this. Can it ever work? Then I see,although much fewer and far between, the posts where it does work, and it makes me want to try harder. Having taken a step back and going much slower has been proving to be the best thing N. and I could have done. Being friends for as long as we were didn't slow down that initial intensity that seems to be a common thread in PTSD relationships, so the comedown from the new relationship euphoria was really pretty rough. Finally we are back to working on why we became such good friends to begin with, let alone why we became more attracted to each other.

I still get upset sometimes, but am, while I still step in."it" occasionally, this has forced me to deal with some of my own issues, and overall am becoming more relaxed which helps him relax.

 

[bell]

@kahlan, it can work! And you've been at this longer than a month, too. ;)

But, as a sufferer, I also know how terribly hard it is to make it work. For example, I want a good relationship just like most people, but it about rips my heart out every time I try. Does that mean I stop trying? Sometimes. But, eventually, I dust myself off again and try again. I *always* get to that point where I'm willing to try again. Sometimes the same person is there. Sometimes not. The will to have a relationship does not change, neither does the will for the same person to be there when I'm willing to try again!

However, I know people get tired and don't want to bother them with my wicked issues. I don't want to wear anyone out. I don't want to keep anyone else from finding an "easier" relationship. Sorry, I don't mean to overstep here as a sufferer, just wanted to say a few things... that, for me, are important regarding getting into a relationship with PTSD.

 

[kahlan]

I know I massively underestimated what I was getting into! N. at the beginning even gave me more than one opportunity to "back out". Honestly though the heartbreak of realizing how hard and bad it can be, has made me want to try harder and be stronger, not just for him, but like I said earlier, I've had to face some pretty big truths about myself in the process. In a way N. saved me from myself. If in time we find it isn't working, I at least will know I for once put everything I could into it, going further than I thought I could and that's not something I ever thought would happen.

Love is wonderful but not everything. He's helped me become a better person and i like to think I help him the same way. Its just hard to think that when there's disstance and isolation glaring into your face :/

 

[we are fated]

@bell I really appreciate your point of view, especially as you will know much more than I about what it is like to actually suffer with PTSD. And you're not being curt at all, your honesty is refreshing & you're making an extremely valid point that I need to take on board if I'm going to get through this with my mind intact. I'm trying to be my best self so I can be strong for me & for him too. I'm also trying to mend my heart a bit.

@kahlan I feel like your mind is in tune with mine - I'm really frightened at how hard this is going to be (which is nothing in comparison to how hard it will be for him) but it has made me want to try harder, and make sure I stick by him, whether that's as a friend or more. However, the distance and isolation is real stopper, which is why I'm trying to understand it as fully as I can so it doesn't manifest itself in my head as something other than what it is.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you guys on here x

 

[p-no]

I think some supporters worry a lot about their sufferer, when they don't have to. What I mean is that me, having had trauma from birth and PTSD from early on as doctors say now, I feel normal most of the time. From the outside, I seem to appear as depressed to people, or "extremely sad", just to mention one example. However, that is their view from outside looking in. I sometimes feel they suffer more than me because they know what normal (non-depressive) is, I do not though and being "extremely sad" is just one of many "normal phases" for me. Therefore, I have seen people suffer seemingly "for me", but I wasn't even suffering. :confused:

The other day I shared something with a friend. She had tears in her eyes and wanted to comfort me. But I didn't need any comfort. I wasn't suffering. I wasn't unusually sad or depressed. I just shared something about a trauma, but do not forget that I have lived with this for almost 40 years, and have dealt with it repeatedly in therapy.

I do see that those who have not had therapy or not a long while (years, decades) may be very different. It just strikes me as odd sometimes how much others who care about me seem to suffer, and more than me. The trauma I was put through is part of me. The depression has been. The triggers and flashbacks have been. The nightmares have been... I am not saying it's wonderful they're there. But they have been there and although I have times when they still knock me over, but most of the time now they're just that, bad minutes, bad hours, bad days by the most. The rest of the time I don't suffer. Although it may look differently from the outside looking in.

 

[bell]

After having a good night's sleep and a think about this, I also want to say that my relationship didn't work out, so I may be projecting a little, too! (I guess the verdict is still out if will ever work, really...) So what I'm saying to you is partly what I've been saying to myself. Responding to some supporters' posts really gets me to face my own issues at times, as even though I'm a writer, I still can't properly explain the depths to which relationships hurt me. Or the depths to which I want one to work.

Most days I feel like Sisyphus, destined to push a rock up over and hill over and over again, only to see it roll back down the hill out of my control. And every single step up that hill is nightmarishly hard to boot. The overwhelming sense of panic is unlike anything I could ever properly explain, I just want out. By whatever means necessary, no matter who gets hurt. This is why I spend months just not trying at all and just giving up. It's just too dang hard and painful.

But, deep down, I know that if I keep trying, one will work. I just need to have faith that some supporter will care enough one day to come to a site like this for info or otherwise arm themselves with PTSD info because they care so much about me, because without education, it's a bumpy ride too bumpy for most everyone.

That being said, I think it means the world that you want to be educated on this @we are fated and is a really great step in the right direction. Because at least you will know what to expect and will try to see the real him in all of this mess, which is all most sufferers really truly want someone to do. While it hurts sometimes to see that someone can see the real us, when we can't, it means so very much that they can see that we're not the people that our actions sometimes portray us to be.

 

[we are fated]

@p-no that's really interesting to hear...I guess it makes sense that what you're going through feels like the norm to you if it's all you've ever known. Just out of curiosity, and I hope this isn't intrusive, but when did you realise that what you experience with your PTSD symptoms wasn't 'normal' per se? I don't like to use the word normal in this situation but I can't find another word to describe what I mean. My boy has suffered for a long time with him symptoms, since childhood, and has always been aware that it was his trauma that his behaviours were rooted from. But it is only now that he has realised that he can't go on making the same decisions due to his PTSD, and has realised that what he feels isn't 'normal' and he wants to feel better. I guess that realisation can hit different people at different times, and some not at all?

@bell I think it's only human to let personal experiences bias your opinion on things that are particularly close, and I'm really grateful for your story.

I still can't properly explain the depths to which relationships hurt me. Or the depths to which I want one to work.

This strikes a real chord with me and my own situation as it's so close to what my boy has said. I think even he was confused by what he was saying as they were such conflicted desires - he said his ultimate goal is to have a relationship that is free of the issues he dealing with at the moment, and one he can ultimately commit to after having healed some of his pain. But then on the other hand he said the idea of being in a relationship and potentially getting hurt is sickening to him & brings on so much guilt that he would be involving someone else in what he's going through that he can't handle it unless he is by himself.

I have hope that that person who will care enough to educate themselves on PTSD so they can support you is out there. I think you have an amazing insight into the suffering one can experience in life, and how can that make you anything other than full of understand & compassion which are two priceless traits that can be brought to a relationship. That someone is out there for you, and like you said, if you try hard enough, one will work.

X

 

[p-no]

when did you realise that what you experience with your PTSD symptoms wasn't 'normal' per se?

I have literally always had symptoms and it never striked me as not normal. Yes, not normal when comparing to others from the outside looking in, but still normal for me because I know no different.

I am not sure what you're asking and am hoping this will answer your question: All I ever wanted until I was 18 (legally of age here) was OUT and away from my mother and the other abusers. There were almost no non-abusive people in my life. When it comes to addressing symptoms, I started therapy at 19. My main objective was not lessening symptoms, I wasn't focussed on "symptoms" but on getting the abuse and abusers, the sh*t they "burnt into my cells" (as I refer to it) out of my cells, out of my system. So, I was always focussed on the root causes, not the symptoms. Having said that, it did help that my anxiety at that time was so bad that I could hardly move to go to the toilet, literally (I mean walk over to the bathroom). What was maybe different with me is that I ALWAYS wanted help -- but despite reaching out several times was never heard, not by the system, not by friends of my mother's, etc. So, what got me to age 18 (and out) was the mere "I want to believe"-belief that there must be something and someone else out there, someone and something non-violent. I as not even aware there was help (therapists, etc.). I was just lucky because someone introduced me to my then new GP and she was THE person to meet at the right time. We're now friends, 20 years later, have always kept in touch. I was lucky, in the way that she (my then GP) was an expert in finding the suitable help and getting me in, for years and years. What I did was have the determination, beyond setbacks.

Hope this helps. I'm going to be off forum for a while.