NovemberStar
Platinum Member
I have always resisted going onto 'benzo's' namely due to their highly addictive potential as well as the cognitive effects (which can be long term even months after stopping taking it).
But in an acute crisis this week (series of repeated events spiralled me into feeling completely out of control with self-harm urges and suicidal ideation, along with dissociation, flashbacks - not a safe combination) I was facing hospitalisation. So I agreed to try it as an alternative (have not been hospitalised in over 15 years - other than 2 x two week stays in eating disorder unit in the past two years; but not in a general psych ward and never in this city).
Was feeling very fragile, lost, dissociated and kept swinging from feeling I was back in childhood and re-living it (flashbacks) to being in the present, but everything seeming fake / unreal (depersonalisation). I felt I couldn't keep myself safe - I felt like I was outside myself - or maybe I was stuck on the inside and desperate to get out - either way it was pretty unbearable.
Saw my T yesterday morning, it made things worse - probably because I had been struggling to hold it altogether for two days and being with her I was able to let go and just 'be'. After the session I took my psychiatrist's advice - try half a 1mg tablet and sit in their waiting room while it worked. So I could be close to someone if the side effects weren't ok.
It worked - didn't leave me fleeing happy or buzzed out - but seemed to take away the agitation enough so that the strong self harm and suicidal thoughts were further into the background.
I didn't plan to use it again - was hoping I'd be able to mange without it, but this morning those out of control feelings started to occur so I took another half tablet. I think it helped the thoughts again. But I'm still feeling anxious and I'm tempted to take more (I can take a whole tablet. I'm just really concerned as to how will I know if I want to take more as a genuine need or if I am simply wanting to 'feel relaxed' and a bit spaced out?
I so very much want to run and escape right now. I do have an addictive personality - I have not touched a drop of alcohol in 15 years and have no desire ever to drink again. Part of my eating disorder (the bulimia especially) is addictive behaviour at feeling good... I don't want to come to depend on these little pils.
My Dr just gave me 10. It's a short term thing (which I know is exactly how they are supposed to be used for to reduce chance of longer term addiction). I'm still feeling fragile - I'm not able to work yet. Part of me thinks it's very early days and I just need to not worry too much and take them when needed over the next few days - guess I'm hoping in a few days time, I'll feel less fragile, less out of control and more able to take my life back rather than feel like I have a serious brain injury that will take longer to recover from.
I feel quite unable to do the things I need to do in order to help myself get over this crisis -ie go back to work; make proper meals; do the two week pile of dishes laying dirty in the sink and over the benches.
Guess the other question is:
How do I know when to be gentle with myself versus push myself?
Do I give myself a few days using this new med as needed and then look at starting to push myself to do other things?
But in an acute crisis this week (series of repeated events spiralled me into feeling completely out of control with self-harm urges and suicidal ideation, along with dissociation, flashbacks - not a safe combination) I was facing hospitalisation. So I agreed to try it as an alternative (have not been hospitalised in over 15 years - other than 2 x two week stays in eating disorder unit in the past two years; but not in a general psych ward and never in this city).
Was feeling very fragile, lost, dissociated and kept swinging from feeling I was back in childhood and re-living it (flashbacks) to being in the present, but everything seeming fake / unreal (depersonalisation). I felt I couldn't keep myself safe - I felt like I was outside myself - or maybe I was stuck on the inside and desperate to get out - either way it was pretty unbearable.
Saw my T yesterday morning, it made things worse - probably because I had been struggling to hold it altogether for two days and being with her I was able to let go and just 'be'. After the session I took my psychiatrist's advice - try half a 1mg tablet and sit in their waiting room while it worked. So I could be close to someone if the side effects weren't ok.
It worked - didn't leave me fleeing happy or buzzed out - but seemed to take away the agitation enough so that the strong self harm and suicidal thoughts were further into the background.
I didn't plan to use it again - was hoping I'd be able to mange without it, but this morning those out of control feelings started to occur so I took another half tablet. I think it helped the thoughts again. But I'm still feeling anxious and I'm tempted to take more (I can take a whole tablet. I'm just really concerned as to how will I know if I want to take more as a genuine need or if I am simply wanting to 'feel relaxed' and a bit spaced out?
I so very much want to run and escape right now. I do have an addictive personality - I have not touched a drop of alcohol in 15 years and have no desire ever to drink again. Part of my eating disorder (the bulimia especially) is addictive behaviour at feeling good... I don't want to come to depend on these little pils.
My Dr just gave me 10. It's a short term thing (which I know is exactly how they are supposed to be used for to reduce chance of longer term addiction). I'm still feeling fragile - I'm not able to work yet. Part of me thinks it's very early days and I just need to not worry too much and take them when needed over the next few days - guess I'm hoping in a few days time, I'll feel less fragile, less out of control and more able to take my life back rather than feel like I have a serious brain injury that will take longer to recover from.
I feel quite unable to do the things I need to do in order to help myself get over this crisis -ie go back to work; make proper meals; do the two week pile of dishes laying dirty in the sink and over the benches.
Guess the other question is:
How do I know when to be gentle with myself versus push myself?
Do I give myself a few days using this new med as needed and then look at starting to push myself to do other things?
