Started to address trauma but have gone numb to it? regretting starting.

[-lemurlibs91-]

Ok so this is a bit weird....this week in therapy I started to very gingerly approach the topic of what happened. I don't know what prompted it (after 3 years of avoiding it except for very very vaguely referencing things linked to it). I suddenly just had a panic attack the day of therapy and felt like I had to get it out but didn't know how to. I did free writing where I just basically wrote my train of thought where I described the feeling I have about it as having someone on my back and I can't get rid of them, and they're just getting heavier and heavier and stronger and stronger..and I feel like it's killing me and I need to talk about it but at the same time I'm terrified whenever I consider the prospect or try to... and then it all goes dreamy and weird, almost like I'm mentally passing out.
But the weird thing is that it has totally numbed any feelings I had about what happened....it is like I am totally numb towards it. I'm now just worried about people getting hurt by me talking about it (like people totally unrelated to it who don't even know about it)...including the risk of my T and/or me dying due to me talking about it. I don't understand how strong feelings can just disappear to the point that even if I try, I can't feel anything. I just feel dazed and spacey, and I keep briefly dissociating but not going anywhere else in my head, just disappearing inside. I'm so so tired. It's only been 2 days since my session, I didn't even tell my T what happened and I'm absolutely shattered and already regretting approaching it.

 

[KerriJ]

I have been dealing with this myself too. I just recently started talking about it after years of avoidance.
My T has told me that dissociation is safe in certain situations because it is protecting us from things we can't quite handle yet.
I've learned that spicy food or food with lots of flavor helps ground me. Practicing grunding techniques (ie. I wrap myself in a soft blanket)
Don't try to force yourself to feel, just let yourself be grounded. (My T asks me where I feel things in my body when we do trauma talk... ie. "My legs are numb. My back hurts, etc" It helps me feel in touch with myself, without having to "Feel" feelings.

I think the more we work on our trauma the more feelings we will be able to handle. (That fear of something bad happening if we tell/talk is something that a lot of us deal with - or so my workbooks say!) I personally struggle to talk about my parents' abuse because I want people to like them still (kinda weird... but we as children are inclined to 'protect them') I've learned though that other people will think whatever they want about my parents even if I tell the truth. And we all deserve to tell the truth ad recover.

Hope this helps a little. Even if just letting you know that you are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that numbness is emotional overload when there is too much pain and natures way of turning the painful feelings off, temporarily. But this is just my opinion and I hope that it is helpful, if not please toss it.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

@Rain that makes a lot of sense. I just now feel weirdly indifferent to it, and yet at the same time I'm struggling but don't know what with. I feel like I'm succeeding if I get up without going back to hiding under my pillows, or if I hold a conversation with someone, but there's no real reason why that's such a big deal, it just feels like a massive effort to do everything. I just want to hide in the corner with cuddly toys, my headphones on blocking everything out.

 

[Sideways]

What you've achieved by starting to talk about it? Is HUGE! Congratulations, well done, celebratory parade in your honour! It doesn't need to be planned - big moments in therapy often aren't. Whatever it was that prompted you to start talking about it? Almost doesn't matter, because just starting to go there is a huge success:)

If you consider that it's been 3 years of sitting with this inside you, and suddenly it's coming out? It makes sense that there's going to be a potential flood of emotions rush to the surface. Going numb, or dissociating, is your brain's way of slowing those emotions down. Too much? Brain shuts down, announces "That's enough for now, I'm gonna switch off and recoup". Great! Brain is looking after you, making sure that having decided to get this stuff out, doesn't overwhelm you. That's exactly what we want our brains to do.

So plenty of self care, self soothing, activities that bring your mind back to the present moment. Think about activities that, when you do them, your mind gets pretty focused on what you're physically doing with your arms and legs: anything from colouring in, to sport, to arts/crafts, playing musical instruments, gardening. My go-to is cleaning, because I know that if I start washing the dishes, that's what I'm focused on. It's like emotional time-out for your brain.

When you're ready? You come back to it. You open up to a little more detail, or your reflect back a bit more on the details that you've let out so far.

Awesome job!! Excited for you:)