Relationship Starting out - have i already messed up

[vj17]

Hi, I am very new in beginning to understand PTSD. I recently met someone I had a very strong connection with, and i know he felt the same. But he’s suffering with CPTSD and has had a recent setback. All was great when first communicating but quickly became tricky and I had no idea how to communicate or understanding of PTSD so messed up in my reactions and actions. My natural communication is to push for resolution when there are problems and offer solutions, but this just made him withdraw more. He has since pulled back and said he’s not ready for a relationship right now and can’t give me an answer as to whether things will ever work. I know there was something very special there that is worth trying for. I have said I will be his friend and he has still told me he cares for me, thinks I am amazing etc. but he has become more withdrawn and isn’t really contacting me much. I know he has huge trust issues and doesn’t want to be hurt. I have been trying to learn as much as I possibly can about how to be supportive and not push him too much. He did say he still wants to see me and hang out, but do I just let him be and not contact him now and let him come to me if and when he wants to. Or do I keep in contact with friendly messages and let him know I’m still here when he wants to talk. I feel a bit silly but I saw the potential of something great and don’t really want to let that go.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d just give him space and let him come to you.

 

[Snowflakes]

All was great when first communicating but quickly became tricky and I had no idea how to communicate or understanding of PTSD so messed up in my reactions and actions.

I can understand that. For 10 years I messed up my reactions and actions till I came here to learn

have been trying to learn as much as I possibly can about how to be supportive and not push him too much.

I think the best way to learn is to take the time to read as much as you can in this supporter relationship forum and the member diary forum in the supporter section. You will find our stories are somewhat similar as we learned how to be better supporters. Remember, what works for some may not work for you because our circumstances are different so take what works and discard the rest.

Register here, it’s free to register, and start your own diary. You’ll find that simply writing your journey will help you, especially if you allow others to comment in your diary.

You’ll learn how to set boundaries for yourself and you’ll learn to put on your own oxygen mask first because, taking care of you first will make you a better supporter. Finally, as @EveHarrington writes above....giving your sufferer time and space is a loving act from you.

Take care and welcome.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi and welcome. I'd start with the PTSD stress cup explanation. Good luck with everything!

 

[Mytime]

Hi welcome to the forum. I hope you decide to join the forum. There is a lot of info here and support. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome!

Don't think you messed up or did the wrong thing. You did something that would be perfectly acceptable in other relationships... you just have to learn now.

 

[Hojay]

Welcome @vj17!

I too am a problem solver and resolution pusher. It drove my partner nuts in the beginning, very much overflowed his stress cup, and made things quite difficult for him (still does sometimes.) However, he staid and was willing to work on "us", for himself and with me. If he hadn't been ready for a relationship, he'd have bailed within weeks of meeting me. And if that had been the case, he'd have done us both a great favor.

I'd say, when he tells you he's not ready for a relationship, believe him--just as much as if someone without PTSD opted out for whatever reason. It seems to be just a little bit harder to believe them and let them go when PTSD is in the mix. Knowing at least some of the reasons why they decided against the relationship, it (wrongly) seems like something that can be rectified and fixed. But that could potentially keep you in a waiting position forever, while--worst case scenario-you're trying to mold yourself into someone that will be compatible with their condition.

The only way a relationship can rekindle once someone has said they're not ready is if that person comes back willingly, freely, and out of their own accord. There is nothing you can do, say, not do, or not say to change someone's mind in that regard, nor should you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's difficult for sure.

 

[vj17]

Thank you all for your replies. The hard thing was we met on a dating site and he kind of led a little how fast I let my guard down for him by declaring how much he liked me almost immediately, which is why I then was completely thrown that he then stated he wasn’t ready (still had not much idea about PTSD then).... or rather his psychiatrist doesn’t think he’s ready actually. Unfortunately I triggered him quite badly, obviously completely unintentionally the first time he stayed with me. I would do anything to take that back. I think I will just have to give him his space now. He does respond to me and communicate but it isn’t how it was at the start.

Also the reasons he said he was concerned about werenthat I may not get on with some of his family due to some differences in ethical beliefs. In my mind that was completely irrational as I am pretty likeable to most people, but I have since read that it’s probably about him being fiercely protective of his family, albeit for unjustified reasons.

 

[anon1234]

Don't think you messed up or did the wrong thing. You did something that would be perfectly acceptable in other relationships... you just have to learn now.

@Sweetpea76 is right. That's why most of us came here, to learn. Having a really heartbreaking experience with someone and trying not understand what the hell happened. Wanting to learn and understand is a good thing. You will now be equipped with the skills to navigate a PTSD relationship, should he return.

LIke @Hojay said, give him the opportunity to come back if he wants to. Further contact that is not on his terms could just stress him. Show him that you are strong and independent. One of the problems at the beginning I faced was my fear of abandonment, which came true! He was acting strange (now I know he was symptomatic) but I just thought he was another player, someone who stuck around long enough to sleep with me and then leave. From his point of view: he saw that I was freaking out when he was symptomatic, which made him worse, and he didn't think I could even handle a relationship because of his symptoms. He thought I wasn't ready for a relationship with him.

I worked hard to be a less needy person and dealt with a lot of my issues by meditation, therapy, reading, reconnecting with friends. And he did come back. And it's tough. But we are trying.

 

[vj17]

Thanks anon1234, working on being less needy is what I’m doing. I consider myself fairly independent but do admit when I am confused I tend to push things.

Re the contact being on his terms. He hasn’t asked me not to contact him at all. In fact he was the one who stated he still wanted to hang out together etc. it’s just he has been a bit less communicative lately but then again I know he’s been busy too. I think he’s just so terrified of being hurt after he was badly hurt last year. Possibly also like your situation he may feel I can’t cope with being with him.

Rightly or wrongly I did message him last night and just casually ask if we can catch up this weekend. No reply yet but I know he’s busy with his kids this week. I guess we’ll see.

 

[anon1234]

@vj17 i wouldn’t worry about a text message like that.

Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to imply you were being needy...that was just my own situation...my ptsd relationship has been really good for me because it finally forced me to confront that.

But even if I had been the most chill person in the world, relationship = stress = stress cup overflows. Good stress is still stress.

 

[vj17]

@anon1234 it's ok I didn't you were implying that, maybe I was being needy or pushy, or simply not understanding. Whatever it is I really would like to not push him away any further. I would love to just tell him that a few weeks ago I was single and happy so I'm ok with being single and happy again, just with an amazing new friend, but I probably shouldn't.

I'm glad I found this forum though, even if this goes no further, at least I know it wasn't down to me.