Jillyfromtheblock
New Here
Hi, I'm hoping to get some advice from any supporters who may have been in a similar situation as me.
I've been seeing my sufferer for a couple months. We met on a dating site and had agreed to meet as friends and see where it went. However, like a lot of the threads I've read on here, we connected immediately, as if we'd always known each other, the friends thing didn't last long at all and our relationship developed very quickly. I've already dealt with some periods of isolation, where he won't answer texts or phone calls for several days, and gone for a couple weeks without seeing him. I'm getting used to this.
We have not been intimate yet (although we came close on several occasions and both decided we wanted to wait until we know each other better, so that we didn't rush into anything and ruin something good), but we have kissed and have slept in the same bed, during which he held me in his arms all night.
This past week, after barely hearing from him and not seeing him for 2 weeks, he agreed to see me and said he had something important to tell me. He admitted that he's been having a hard time lately, a lot of anxiety, being too much in his head all the time, overthinking everything, having vivid nightmares, etc. He attributed all of this to his best friend having been in ICU for the past month (which he had finally been released the day he was explaining all this to me) and also to our relationship and the fact that he thinks it might be moving too fast.
He actually expressed this once before, right before our second date, when he tried to break off the date. At that time, I agreed that if he was uncomfortable with the pace, that we should slow down. He was concerned that he had hurt my feelings and I assured him that it was fine, and I was happy we were communicating. However, at the last minute, he decided he wanted to to keep our date and everything went great, until afterwards, when he went into shut-down mode for several days, barely communicating at all. Again, I've started to get used to this. But this seems to be the pattern for our relationship. He will start communicating with me, we'll get together, things go so well and then he shuts down.
So back to this Wednesday... he said that he wants us to start over and try to focus a little more on the friendship part of our relationship and work more slowly towards a romantic relationship. He said that he had wanted to talk to me about this in person because he really cares about me and thought that if he did it over text I would think he wasn't interested anymore, which isn't true. I agreed to take things as slowly as he needs.
He's hoping that slowing the pace of the relationship and also not having to worry about his friend anymore will help to alleviate some of the issues he's been experiencing lately and that we will be able to get back on track soon.
Before I left also let him know that when he shuts down and doesn't text or respond back to me, I don't take that personally or hold it against him. I understand he's going through something he can't control and I won't ever be angry about unanswered texts nor will I ever throw that back in his face. That's something that he doesn't have to add to his list of anxieties. He was so appreciative. He said that if that's the case, I'm 1 of 100 people in his life that's like that. Especially the women in his life, like his sisters, his mom. They will generally be the ones who get on him about not responding to their messages. Hopefully this will also alleviate some of his more recent anxieties.
Now, although he SAID that he wanted to start over as friends, he was very affectionate the entire evening. When I tried walking out the door, he grabbed me from behind and put his arm around me and kind of pinned me to the door (not in an aggressive way, just kind of like he didn't want me to leave) and held me close for like 10 minutes, then tried to back out of the "just friends" thing. I finally had to ask if that's what he truly wanted or was he just going to change his mind the next day and want to be just friends again. I told him that I wanted to do what's best for him right now and not what feels the best. He finally agreed and I left. On my way home he texted me thanking me for understanding and also for having more willpower than him. He's also been much more communicative this week. Normally if I ask how he is, he'll answer and that's it. Now he'll answer and then ask how I am.
Okay, so now after that novel, has anyone had an experience like this, where you've gone backwards in the relationship? And if so, any advice on how I approach him going forward? His plan was that we continue texting, talking on the phone, hanging out at each other's houses like normal, just no kissing or other physical contact (we can't really go anywhere out, cuz he's physically disabled and has chronic pain that prevents him from being able to be comfortable anywhere but home or my place). I'm not sure how to be JUST friends with a man that I'm SO physically attracted to, especially after we've already crossed that line. Any advice on how you've handled the situation, like how often you text, hang out, etc. would be so greatly appreciated. I care so much about him and only want to get back where we were (but not at the expense of his health, of course).
I've been seeing my sufferer for a couple months. We met on a dating site and had agreed to meet as friends and see where it went. However, like a lot of the threads I've read on here, we connected immediately, as if we'd always known each other, the friends thing didn't last long at all and our relationship developed very quickly. I've already dealt with some periods of isolation, where he won't answer texts or phone calls for several days, and gone for a couple weeks without seeing him. I'm getting used to this.
We have not been intimate yet (although we came close on several occasions and both decided we wanted to wait until we know each other better, so that we didn't rush into anything and ruin something good), but we have kissed and have slept in the same bed, during which he held me in his arms all night.
This past week, after barely hearing from him and not seeing him for 2 weeks, he agreed to see me and said he had something important to tell me. He admitted that he's been having a hard time lately, a lot of anxiety, being too much in his head all the time, overthinking everything, having vivid nightmares, etc. He attributed all of this to his best friend having been in ICU for the past month (which he had finally been released the day he was explaining all this to me) and also to our relationship and the fact that he thinks it might be moving too fast.
He actually expressed this once before, right before our second date, when he tried to break off the date. At that time, I agreed that if he was uncomfortable with the pace, that we should slow down. He was concerned that he had hurt my feelings and I assured him that it was fine, and I was happy we were communicating. However, at the last minute, he decided he wanted to to keep our date and everything went great, until afterwards, when he went into shut-down mode for several days, barely communicating at all. Again, I've started to get used to this. But this seems to be the pattern for our relationship. He will start communicating with me, we'll get together, things go so well and then he shuts down.
So back to this Wednesday... he said that he wants us to start over and try to focus a little more on the friendship part of our relationship and work more slowly towards a romantic relationship. He said that he had wanted to talk to me about this in person because he really cares about me and thought that if he did it over text I would think he wasn't interested anymore, which isn't true. I agreed to take things as slowly as he needs.
He's hoping that slowing the pace of the relationship and also not having to worry about his friend anymore will help to alleviate some of the issues he's been experiencing lately and that we will be able to get back on track soon.
Before I left also let him know that when he shuts down and doesn't text or respond back to me, I don't take that personally or hold it against him. I understand he's going through something he can't control and I won't ever be angry about unanswered texts nor will I ever throw that back in his face. That's something that he doesn't have to add to his list of anxieties. He was so appreciative. He said that if that's the case, I'm 1 of 100 people in his life that's like that. Especially the women in his life, like his sisters, his mom. They will generally be the ones who get on him about not responding to their messages. Hopefully this will also alleviate some of his more recent anxieties.
Now, although he SAID that he wanted to start over as friends, he was very affectionate the entire evening. When I tried walking out the door, he grabbed me from behind and put his arm around me and kind of pinned me to the door (not in an aggressive way, just kind of like he didn't want me to leave) and held me close for like 10 minutes, then tried to back out of the "just friends" thing. I finally had to ask if that's what he truly wanted or was he just going to change his mind the next day and want to be just friends again. I told him that I wanted to do what's best for him right now and not what feels the best. He finally agreed and I left. On my way home he texted me thanking me for understanding and also for having more willpower than him. He's also been much more communicative this week. Normally if I ask how he is, he'll answer and that's it. Now he'll answer and then ask how I am.
Okay, so now after that novel, has anyone had an experience like this, where you've gone backwards in the relationship? And if so, any advice on how I approach him going forward? His plan was that we continue texting, talking on the phone, hanging out at each other's houses like normal, just no kissing or other physical contact (we can't really go anywhere out, cuz he's physically disabled and has chronic pain that prevents him from being able to be comfortable anywhere but home or my place). I'm not sure how to be JUST friends with a man that I'm SO physically attracted to, especially after we've already crossed that line. Any advice on how you've handled the situation, like how often you text, hang out, etc. would be so greatly appreciated. I care so much about him and only want to get back where we were (but not at the expense of his health, of course).
