Childhood Starting Therapy For My Eldest Has Me Anxious

[ghotiff]

I just rang a new T with the goal of my eldest child to start seeing her. The whole idea has me rattled. I feel like setting up this appointment is publically acknowledging my failure as a parent. The thing is, my eldest (lets call them B) is not a problem child in any way, but my T believes that B has some anxiety, and I am aware that B is not as happy as B could be.

I don’t want my child to feel like they are a problem, but I need to do this, if only for the reason that I constantly derail (avoid?) my own therapy with concerns about my parenting, particularly in relation to my eldest. Last session, my T answered my typical question of “so what do I do”, with explaining that some things children hear better from people outside of their family, and she then said something to the effect that I don’t have to be solely responsible here, I can get help.

Any thoughts on how to proceed with this, particularly how to explain seeing a T to my eldest (age is 10-12yrs)?

B does not know that I have therapy, and I’m reluctant to open let them know. B is a very emotionally intelligent and sensitive child and would figure out more than I would like B to know. But, I’m open to debate on this.

FYI - I put this post in Childhood as my parenting concerns stem from my childhood abuse. I think the most relevant part here is that B is at my “key” abuse age and my mother believed in a perfect family image so chose denial of my abuse.

 

[illusionist]

Setting up this appointment is publicly acknowledging that you are a good, concerned parent. I just want to encourage you to go forward with this...how?..hopefully someone else can give advice. I tried when my daughter was that age...only to be told that she was a happy kid with no obvious problems ( decided on one visit and background checks from gp and school)..mothers instinct was right and problems, behaviours etc surfaced terribly 2 years later. Hope you find a way to move forward with this in an appropriate manner.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I think you are an amazing parent for recognizing your child's needs and seeking help. I refer kids for counseling all the time and reassure parents, it has nothing to do with them but everything to do with their child. Kids often have a hard time sharing things with loved ones or expressing it so we understand. Having the undivided attention from someone outside the home, who can have fresh perspective and suggestions can be a huge asset to your child and yourself.

As for sharing with your child regarding your own struggles, that is completely up to you. My older daughter 12 knows my history (no details), knows I've been in and out of therapy over the years and my challenges. I shared this to protect her, to educate her and so she sees me-real and not perfect, flawed and need of help, support and encouragement, She knows I am not perfect and I never expect her to be.

Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of; it shows strength to reach out for help. In my book, you are doing what is best for your child and that makes you a great parent.

 

[scout86]

I don't have kids, so don't have a lot to add, beyond that what you're doing sounds good. If the T is good (and I would assume they are, or you wouldn't have made the appointment!) they will take care of making sure your child knows that they might HAVE a problem and not BE a problem. And, you might be surprised at what your kid knows. Especially an emotionally intelligent one. And at what assumptions she might have made about what she THINKS she knows, as well. I hope this all goes well for you both!.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My children have seen therapists for various reasons since I got sober when they were 8 and 10. I guess I wanted to know how much I damaged them by my alcoholism. The answer was not at all, they were well adjusted. Then my son fell apart because he's dyslexic and school was pure hell for him. He had a fantastic therapist and an educational advocate and they took so much stress away for me so I got to love and nurture him. He really needed a team to raise him up.
My daughter was stalked in 9th grade and I had her see a wonderful therapist who helped her process that disaster. She also sought therapy her sophomore year at college due to the stress of having a room mate that was pregnant.
My son majored in psychology in college, but works in sales. He overcame his reading disability and was very successful in college and was a star athlete. My daughter is being considered for a huge promotion at age 30.
If I didn't have the support and advice from these therapists I don't think either of them would be so successful. I had my breakdown when they were 14 and 16. They knew I was struggling and my daughter found me cut to shreds and completely dissociated. She got my son who called my therapist and they stayed by my side until I came around talking to my therapist. They know some of my story. My daughter knows why I am overprotective of her. We are a family. We have problems. We help each other. I couldn't have pulled it off alone.

 

[anthony]

I am aware that B is not as happy as B could be

Is any child about to come into teen years? Therapy can't hurt them... so if anything, your child may simply choose to stop going, or they may embrace it and love going, and overcome any issue that may be present.

What did your child think when you asked if they would like to seek therapy?

 

[Nam]

Hey @ghotiff . The longer I'm at the forum, the more I realize how much I have in common with you. My oldest girl has anxiety. She was 1.5-3 years old when I was going through the worst part of my PTSD. I was one of the non-functioning type of sufferer. I gathered all my energy into therapy sessions, workbooks, and journaling, trying so hard to get through as fast as I could. But so many things suffered: my relationship with my husband, my daughters, and especially with my oldest.

People tell me over and over that I was not the cause of her anxiety. I think they are only half right. She does have some personality predisposition for high anxiety, but she was not taught very well how to handle daily stresses. It all came to a point where she wouldn't talk and just cried silently. It's a cry I know well; eyes staring ahead, trying so hard to keep the tears in, face blank, and silent tears falling to the floor.

I did ask her if she wanted to talk with someone. She said no repeatedly. She's 12 btw. Finally, after a huge freak out at the house because someone yelled for her to come down the stairs. We didn't know she was right there at the bottom of the stairs. She practically fainted. Yelped, jumped, and then was distressed the rest of the day. (Looked like a pretty bad startle response to me....) I knew then that it did not matter what my feelings were on the subject. She needed help and she needed it soon. I was not going to deny her that help because I felt uncomfortable....and I still do when I go into the very same waiting room I go to to see my therapist. And I also knew that I just couldn't reach her.

Without her knowing, I set up an appointment with a child therapist. A week before the appointment, I told her about the appointment I made. I told her who her counselor was, and that I didn't know her and she didn't know me. I told her you can talk to her about anything you want. Right up to the appointment, she was hesitant to go. She acted as if it was a physical: awkward, painful, and maybe embarrassing.

After meeting her therapist for the first time, the therapist did not say anything more to me. All the attention went to my daughter and I was so happy. I did not go into the room with her. She went on her own. I asked the counselor if we needed to talk and she said no. So, really, I have no part in the counseling sessions at all. I'm her chauffeur. After her first appointment, she was the most carefree I've seen her in months and it lasted a good week. Currently, we see her monthly. There are still outbursts and stresses over tests, etc, but overall, she's handling the stress better. She has been putting high expectations on herself thinking that that was what her parents wanted even though we've talked about this over and over.

So, the counseling is helping. It has helped her accept hugs and touch. It has helped her acknowledge that no one is perfect and that's okay. I also think she likes seeing someone that has nothing to do with me whatsoever. Overall, it was one of my best parenting moments. I take pride in that now...it was something my parents denied me even when I asked for it outright.

I'm proud of you for taking that step. It's hard asking for help when we need it. Please update on how B handles it. Be open for B to choose a different therapist...and be sensitive to B's comfort level with the therapist. :hug: Parenting is hard.

 

[SeaQuel]

As the child of someone with combat PTSD and who never knew about it until years later, I would strongly encourage you to be open about your diagnosis. My family kept everything secret, and yet I experienced the effects of being in a PTSD household every single day of my formative years. I was not told until I myself disclosed my own PTSD diagnosis (caused by other factors, but for which the groundwork was laid as the kid of PTSD sufferer). When I finally learned about this, it was and is revelatory on so many levels and has given me context that I was always missing.

I don't think you need to go into the specifics about why you have PTSD (unless you want to), or even that you're in therapy, but I do think acknowledging the PTSD and that you're in "treatment" would be a step in the right direction and may also allow your child to open up to you about whatever is bothering him/her.

 

[Friday]

Let me see if I'm tracking this right:

You are in therapy because of bad parenting...
So if your daughter is in therapy? Bad parenting is why?

If I am tracking that right...That's called the Reverse Logic Fallacy. AKA Reverse logic doesn't work.

Ex)

Sick people take pills. (Logic... If sick, then pills.)
So.....
If I don't take pills? I won't get sick! (Reverse Logic)

See how that doesn't work? People use reverse logic all the time. It "feels" right, and isn't. The truth of the matter is that people go to therapy for lots and lots of different reasons, and people who take pills may or may not get sick, while people who don't take pills also may or may not get sick. That sick people take pills has absolutely no bearing on anyone else getting sick, whether or not they take pills, etc.

 

[falling_wave]

I would treat therapy as a good thing. Show her the tools you learn from therapy and how they can make your life happier. The tell her how you want to share those tools so she can share that happiness and tell her that if tough stuff comes up that's why you are in it together. Kids really look to see what your reaction is before their own a lot of the time.

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh, gosh. So much to say. No easy answers, though. Parents have to do what their instincts tell them is right for their kids.
So...lots of random responses here...

• I wish I had had the opportunity to see a therapist when I was young. It might have made a huge difference in my life with my "perfect" family.
  
• My son has worked with a few therapists...first one when he was around 10 or 11. Some decent matches, some not. Sadly, too many over the years. He doesn't much resist, but goes off and on...1 year, then off, then on for 6 months with another. We don't force him to go, but encourage it. Have never found a really good match. I have no idea whether or how much it has helped with his anxiety. I may never know (he's 18 now and still seeing a t 2x month). I just know that I know he needed to be provided with the opportunity.
• My daughter (13) has a lot of anxiety/perfectionism. Connected her with a therapist at age 11, but she said it made her feel like there was something wrong with her. Even though her father, brother and mother see therapists. We didn't force it. I have offered a bunch of times and she refuses...says she just wants to talk to me. Which is nice, but....
• Since I've been in therapy and diagnosed with PTSD and am beginning to acknowledge that perhaps my childhood was just a tiny bit traumatic (thank you dissociation):wideeyed:--I have been terrified about what effect I've had on my children...if their anxiety is all my fault, etc. Ugh. I can't go back and change anything, but I can talk with them about how important it is to talk about things with someone who feels safe...
• My kids know about my late onset PTSD. They don't know exactly why. Mostly because they were close to their grandfather, and their grandmother is still in their lives...and I don't want to lay my stuff on them...etc. I suspect they (at least my son) know more than I think they know, but not all of it. They don't want to talk with me about it in spite of my efforts to be open. Yet they have a mom who is clearly struggling in many ways...So...therapy? All good.
• Providing your kid(s) with the opportunity to develop a relationship with a therapist is, I think, extremely healthy. The opposite of being a failed parent. So long as you're positive about it and believe it is a good thing, your kids likely will too, to some extent. As long as they know you love them just as they are and that you're not trying to fix them. Any doubts about any of it? Attuned kids will pick up on it immediately. So confidence, @ghotiff! And lots of open communication...something that doesn't come naturally or easily to people like us. Trust your instincts as a parent...just the fact that you've posted this says you have good ones.

 

[Rumors]

The only thing I would add is that I think it is ok to tell B that you go to therapy and it is a safe place to go work out things in your head. It may normalize it more. No shame in that! Good parenting!