I am sorry you are dealing with this. I wouldn't give up the relationship. I help my fiancee help me by stating calmly exactly what I need. It is very random sometimes, like if I feel I am having abandonment issues or I feel unsafe because of the past I just state, "I need reassurance, I need to hear you tell me you want hurt me it's not that I don't trust you it's just I have old feelings and hearing that will help me overcome it." He does it. It's pretty normal to us now.
We hit several rough patches this past year. He went to a therapy session with me, what I have noticed is that my stuff brings up stuff in him so instead of necessarily talking about the traumas I just tell him exactly what I need. That way he can just do what I need, I feel fulfilled, and he is less stressed out about me bringing up my traumas that I know brings up some of his bad childhood stuff.
My therapist also told me to google the 5 languages of love. People have different ways of showing there love. I am more affirmation he is acts of service. I need to be told and have lots of affirmation in a relationship and I give lots of affirmation that is probably annoying to someone who doesn't speak that language. He needs to do stuff like going to the store, cooking, or cleaning, or little surprises. That is his way of showing his love for me. It is different than mine as I am more vocal and emotional but that doesn't mean he loves me any less. He just speaks a different language. Both of you take the test and learn each others languages. We have lists on our fridge of exactly what each other needs.
Caring for the relationship is important. There are 3 people in your relationship. You, your husband, and your relationship. Do small things together. Put time aside each week to do surprise date nights for each other (even if it is just watching a favorite show together) take turns every week doing that. I put together a puzzle with my fiancee and listened to music, we have just gone to the park with the dog, seeing a movie, going to free events around town, eating at a new place, going to small towns and eating at those places. Anything little or if you want big (I surprised my fiancee with a spa get away package for next weekend!). When you do these dates try hard to stay on the present and not bring up any past traumas. Make it a trauma free zone. Sometimes we get so focused on ourselves in a relationship that the balance is gone and then you feel like the relationship is doomed. Sometimes it's best to do nothing at all with relationships instead of constantly focusing on it, other times it is best to put that effort in. It is all about finding a balance.
Just some advice. I don't know much about your situation. But all of that has helped our relationship tremendously.
If you take the quiz about the 5 languages of love, make that a date night. Sit at the computer drink some wine or whatever and have fun with it.
