My biggest trigger is yelling & my husband yells.

[Lilja4ev]

we’re struggling a lot, my husband has problems handling irritation and anger and I could do nothing wrong , keeping to myself, and suddenly he is irritated of something small and shout out at me. This is not ideal, I know but he has problems around me not hearing him, or being to close, or if his stressed it’s enough just existing to make him irritated. I have told him this is his responsibility to walk away and regulate instead on directing in on others. That it’s not his right to stir up the whole house.
And he grew up in a home that this behaviour was normal.
One in a bad mood, everyone pays (verbally)

I grew up in severely abusive home (ended up with protective identity bc of my parents, stalking, kidnapping me and almost murdering me at one point after years of violence and isolation.

So with my cptsd, loud voices, yelling, sudden explosions (something that resembles walking on eggshells’ and I react full blown fight-flight or freeze.
I sense life and death. My reaction is extreme, and non existent without the scream trigger bc years of therapy.
He is working on it, but the times it happen it’s Russian roulette.

My mind is simple at this:
Flight, I run and hide in a closed like child ( my thoughts is on loop like: ‘got to get away, need to hide)
Freeze I can’t feel my body and totally departure from my mind (mind is: can’t feel my body, I’m not here, this isn’t happening)
Fight I have the urge to jump him, or I at least scream back. (Im going to get killed , go away go away from me , I need you away from me)

I have explained this to him, and that reasoning with long sentences, instructions , try to shame or shutting it down with ignoring, anger or shame makes this worse. That I can’t handle the information, that my brain is broken, that I’m not a logical adult in that situation.

That I need a soft person, giving concern and empathy as fast as possible: ask if it’s okay to touch me first, then soft speaking, and calming me, holding me to ground me. Letting me cry , help me back to this world, ask me what day, tell me I’m safe, apologise for being loud or aggressive (if it happens) to not put fire to the problem.

We are trying here but I’m very afraid when he suddenly scream. I don’t do anything with intention to make it happen

 

[Abstract]

I'm sorry all that happened to you, and of course you are going to find it challenging to be with someone volatile. It does not sound like the environment you need.

Could you do couples therapy? Would he do anger therapy?

It sounds as if you are walking on eggshells. That is not healthy. You can't make him scream. He makes him scream.

And welcome here.

 

[abovedown]

we’re struggling a lot, my husband has problems handling irritation and anger and I could do nothing wrong , keeping to myself, and suddenly he is irritated of something small and shout out at me. This is not ideal, I know but he has problems around me not hearing him, or being to close, or if his stressed it’s enough just existing to make him irritated. I have told him this is his responsibility to walk away and regulate instead on directing in on others. That it’s not his right to stir up the whole house.
And he grew up in a home that this behaviour was normal.
One in a bad mood, everyone pays (verbally)

Are you both possibly suffering from pstd?

 

[Lilja4ev]

Are you both possibly suffering from pstd?

That is possible, but he has not the diagnose

Are you both possibly suffering from pstd?

that is possible I asked a bit of a whole picture and he grew up in very different households. Dads side was much neglected they were left alone hours at end while they slept or worked. The house was trashed most of the time. On mom side it was clean-clean, a lot of yelling and frustration, rules and control because of the slobby way they had it at dads. Ended up with mom cleaning up after the whole house so mess just “disappeared.“Both sides got ruined by work culture (when a woman both worked and tended to the house alone) while dad sat on his ass. He was left to care for his 8 year old stepsister at dad. He fought a lot, with the screaming tendencies he brought to the house by mom. Both ended up with mental illness. At moms the children are more successful and organized but explosive or not handling emotions and vurnabillity.
At dad just nothing exist. They were just floating. And got money.

So yeah. That is very possible.

 

[katz]

I feel bad for you too. I get it with the loud noise. My husband has a loud voice - even when he is not angry. I ask him to lower his voice and assure him that I do want to hear what he is saying, but he just says that "that's how I talk. I can't change it."

 

[Friday]

My mum? Is LOUD. It’s the operatic training. The woman has PIPES. My entire childhood is littered with “everyone” (in a 3 block radius) knowing exactly how I’d disappointed her, and to what degree. But??? She has NEVER been mean, much less cruel. She’s simply LOUD. Very, very, loud.

After my divorce, my son & I lived with her for several years. My exhusband? Abusive. Violent. Dangerous. It took YEARS for my son NOT to react to my mom, the way he would react to his father. His father? Deadly. His grandmother? Kindness itself. It was the VOLUME that sent him screeching to the ceiling, whilst she? Was utterly confused.

Loud people? Will not become quiet people, in my experience.

Triggers, on the other hand? CAN VANISH. Chipped away at over time. When triggers & stressors are under our control? Sooooo much faster. Triggers outside of our control? Tend to worsen. Until they are… eventually… made better. YEARS instead of weeks/months. Decades, instead of years. The time scale on purposeful vs random? Exponential.

To split the difference? I would ask your husband to SCREAM at you, on a regular basis. To deliberately provoke the response. Rather than it occurring organically. So you can deliberately chip away at the trigger. Rather than be confronted with it out of the blue. Which you will be. As he’s loud. So make it on purpose, and under your direction, instead of out of a clear blue sky.