Should I let my ex husband yell at me to keep the peace?

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @Mytime and @Sweetpea76 . I agree with you both:

The only contact you need to have with him is about his son. That’s it. The relationship between him and his son, is just that. His son and him and if he’s not filling his side of responsibilities.

Totally. I've always thought this, but for some reason, my ex tied his financial support and relationship to his son to how *I* treated my ex. If I was "mean" to him, he cancelled visits with his son and skip his child support payment. I know he was wrong, but I often caved because when my son was a toddler and little kid, he blamed only one person for his dad's absence - himself. My son literally said that he thought the divorce happened because his dad didn't love him anymore (and implicitly his fault). I do think me standing up to my ex, as twisted as it is, has resulted in him seeing his son less. But as my son gets older, I am able to tolerate that more. And in any case, my ex seems to be learning from his therapy.

Shielding him from the truth of the matter now isn’t going to do him any good.

I agree with this. But as I wrote in an earlier post, I revealed the truth as I thought was age-appropriate. I often did not even tell my son about upcoming scheduled visits with his dad when he was very young. If my ex showed up, then great, he's here for a visit. If he didn't show up, then I always had alternative plans and my son never knew he was stood up. Later, when my son was old enough to know that his dad was due for a visit, if my ex failed to show, I started talking to my son about how his dad was sick. I would also point out if we saw in the newspaper or something about addiction how tragic it was. I would tell him that addiction could drive mothers to abandon babies despite the deepest love for their babies - that it was that powerful. Around 12 years old, I finally did begin to talk to my son about how his dad had addiction and showed him videos and stuff of addicts and family members talking about the destruction addiction causes despite tremendous love for their loved ones. I'm sure that some damage has been done, but I think my son is capable of separating his dad's failings from his own worth.

Edited to add that thankfully, my ex never denied he was an addict to my son, so at least my son got the truth instead of gaslit. I was really grateful that my ex was forthright and owned to his addiction. I think that helped my son process the situation.

 

[Sideways]

I'm sure that some damage has been done, but I think my son is capable of separating his dad's failings from his own worth.

Particularly during the teens, childrens’ brains change so they develop a self concept seperate from the people around them, so that when someone hurts them, they are able to begin to see it as something other than “I did something bad”. But this develops over the teen years, it isn’t instant. You’re doing great:)

 

[PreciousChild]

Particularly during the teens, childrens’ brains change so they develop a self concept seperate from the people around them, so that when someone hurts them, they are able to begin to see it as something other than “I did something bad”. But this develops over the teen years, it isn’t instant. You’re doing great:)

Thanks @Sideways :)