Should I let my ex husband yell at me to keep the peace?

[LuckiLee]

What comes to mind is the definition of Enable: To provide with the means or opportunity. To make possible, practical, easy.... Synonyms: let, permit, allow, empower.... You said you're trying to keep the peace. Yet, you're not getting any. (hugs to you!!) so try something different? Don't engage. Learn about boundaries. Check out some of Anthony's articles. You can search the forums for any topic. etc. etc...The people here are a wealth of information (& support). And go have fun with kiddo!! XO

 

[PreciousChild]

You'll be surprised how he can change by just setting one boundary.

I did try before to enforce boundaries, but he upped the ante, and I caved, I guess. But I strongly feel that his focus on me is from cognitive distortions from his own ptsd. He's not trying to be cunning or something, which might be stopped simply by calling him out. I don't think he'll ever undo his belief that all of his misfortunes are my fault. BTW, he blames me for losing our home despite him gambling our mortgage month after month. He doesn't have a mirror. But I agree that taking that first step is an important start.

You are communicating to the kiddo something is up. Even what.
And age approriately, too. All that? Honesty.

Thanks for that comment. Yes, I'm being as honest as I can be. I think we're on the same page that children should only know what they can handle. I've learned that kids twist things to somehow make it their fault no matter how innocent they are. And yes, I have put my own happiness at the very bottom of the pile. I've learned I'm codependent, and I'm conditioned to avoid focusing on my own needs because in my childhood, that literally endangered me. That's why I've been so emotional in confronting this. I have a mixture of rage and joy in saying that I'm putting my foot down "for ME." Rage because of all self-repression and the "protest emotions" that arise in reaction.

Whenever you start to question yourself, this place is right here to get support you need

100%. I do know this forum has helped me. But these posts in particular have been like food for the soul. I really, really appreciate it. It's giving me confirmation and reassurance that it's okay to say 'no' to my ex and 'yes' to me.

You said you're trying to keep the peace. Yet, you're not getting any.

Yeah, I've mostly focused on peace for my son who has too often been abandoned by my ex. But it has been an unstable peace. Ultimately, I've been enabling the worst impulses in my ex by signalling that I will permit blackmail which continues that behavior. Thank you for providing all those ways of describing enabling. I'm working hard to address that in my life.

*****

AAHHHHH!! My door bell rang. It was my ex. I was panicked and nervous so I didn't even open the door. I asked him how I could help him. He rolled his eyes and bent down. I was like what's going on?? He slid cash under the door. :o

I'm feeling very grateful. I can make choices for myself without the universe taking vengence with a smack me down (which is how I usually feel). What a week!

 

[mamachick]

It sounds like you are relating to your son with age appropriateness. You said that you are baffled by your own actions or behaviors but given your background, I can sure see how you got there. I sure don't think you should be hard on yourself for caving in to the ex in the past. What has already happened is now over. I think the goal to remember is " Is doing what I am doing me going to get me what I want and need". It is your future and you deserve happiness and to be free from care taking for another adult man regardless of his diagnosis. He may not be that smart to think this all out but he is doing what has worked for him in the past. Your enabling him to continue is up to you (an observation, not a criticism). He is holding you hostage on the phone so he can vent???? I know I have done similar things myself and felt selfish for taking care of myself because of my background too. I have learned that these people will suck you into the sewer with them and their misery. In my honest opinion, it will likely get worse before it gets any better in dealings with him. He will have to up his game (even if its subconscious). It is not your job to assure that someone does not commit suicide even if he threatens and even if he attempts. If he actually completed a suicide attempt, it would NEVER be your fault.

Many men that are abusive never hit a woman, because other tactics work. When they do actually become physical, its because their tactics weren't working. (threatening, bullying, manipulating, begging, promising, verbally abusing, psychologically abusing) Im not saying that he will become physical, but if you set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them, he will likely become more frustrated and up his game in someway. I hope you have a support system and keep reaching out for the encouragement if you need it so that you won't cave in. We all have set backs and have to start over, but I am here, as well as many others to support and encourage you to take your life back.

 

[PreciousChild]

It sounds like you are relating to your son with age appropriateness. You said that you are baffled by your own actions or behaviors but given your background, I can sure see how you got there. I sure don't think you should be hard on yourself for caving in to the ex in the past. What has already happened is now over. I think the goal to remember is " Is doing what I am doing me going to get me what I want and need". It is your future and you deserve happiness and to be free from care taking for another adult man regardless of his diagnosis. He may not be that smart to think this all out but he is doing what has worked for him in the past. Your enabling him to continue is up to you (an observation, not a criticism). He is holding you hostage on the phone so he can vent???? I know I have done similar things myself and felt selfish for taking care of myself because of my background too. I have learned that these people will suck you into the sewer with them and their misery. In my honest opinion, it will likely get worse before it gets any better in dealings with him. He will have to up his game (even if its subconscious). It is not your job to assure that someone does not commit suicide even if he threatens and even if he attempts. If he actually completed a suicide attempt, it would NEVER be your fault.

Many men that are abusive never hit a woman, because other tactics work. When they do actually become physical, its because their tactics weren't working. (threatening, bullying, manipulating, begging, promising, verbally abusing, psychologically abusing) Im not saying that he will become physical, but if you set healthy boundaries for yourself and stick to them, he will likely become more frustrated and up his game in someway. I hope you have a support system and keep reaching out for the encouragement if you need it so that you won't cave in. We all have set backs and have to start over, but I am here, as well as many others to support and encourage you to take your life back.

That's a powerful post @brat17. Thank you. Everything you said was sensible, and good to remember. I do agree that sometimes it's subconscious or quasi-subconscious when you know something works, you will use it even if there's a mixture of compelled emotions alongside of it. For example, the time I really woke up to the connection between my ex's threats of suicide, and my dad's was the last time I entertained any of his talk of suicide. I told him to call a hotline instead of me. It was so hard to do that, but now that I think of it, he did stop calling me about it. Wow. But I realized that what I thought to be a serious and earnest desire to commit suicide may have been a little manipulated because I was in texting communication with his parents at the time. And while he was dramatizing agony and suicidal intent to me, he was telling his parents that he was "fine, how are you?". They wrote him because had sounded an alarm about his threats. Maybe he was lying to them, but that difference in attitude suggested that he was able to "switch off" his emotions when he wanted. Meanwhile, I had been calling Gambler's Anon, the police because I didn't know where he was making his threats, scripting what I would tell my son etc. He was "fine." That was eye-opening.

 

[Friday]

You'll be surprised how he can change by just setting one boundary.... Tell him you won't speak to him when he's nasty. Then DON'T. Hang up.

A thousand times, this.

 

[PreciousChild]

A thousand times, this.

Yes. Thanks for emphasizing that. I think that's important for me to remember. I think the hard part for me is maintaining the boundary. When he was threatening suicide all the time, I was sweating it thinking I was allowing the father of my son to die. It was hard to maintain my boundary - I felt that I was choosing living slightly more conveniently by not having to get his calls to saving his very life. But again, not a single threat since maintaining that boundary. Now it's new behaviors that I have to navigate. It's as much about struggling with my demons as his.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Can you get social services to collect the child support? My ex was an ass, the only reason he had a relationship was because I facilitated it. I stopped. When I got social services to collect back child support, over 20,000, he sent me a threatening email, posted it on Facebook and sent it to my son to give it to me if I hadn't read it. My son was 21 at the time and he already had no respect for his father, but this pushed him over the edge. He hasn't spoken to his father since. I have had no contact with his dad for 2 years and it is wonderful.

 

[talon]

I was counting how many years I've been divorced from my ex, and I can't believe it's been since 2006. And all that time, I've been going back and forth between helping him maintain a certain amount of sanity as he gambled everything away including tens of thousands of dollars in arrears and abandoned his son for months and mentally years at a time. There are a strong psychological reasons that keep me on the tread mill, including the fact that I was responsible for my dad's (who was borderline and sadistic) well-being as a kid and I grew up thinking my worth was tied up with keeping someone happy. I also resent him too, and will push back angrily.

My ex has been in therapy consistently for the first time in his life and he's been doing better than I've ever seen him, but the other day he had a manic episode, called and texted me which unraveled into him cussing me out yet again. He is incensed that I won't let him vent. He says that I'm a cold b***h for not just letting him vent for 5 minutes. In the past, I felt that I would just let him to keep the peace. He blames me if his manic episode leads him to gamble and act insane. In fact, he literally says that if I don't let him yell at me bad things will happen and it will be my fault. In his mind, past misfortunes are my fault.

I know that he's wrong. But after this last manic episode, he did in fact miss a scheduled time with his son. He in fact literally makes the equation: you act like a b***h and our son suffers, and it's all your fault. It's not like he's hitting me or something. Should I just let him yell at me when he's having a manic episode, so that my teen son doesn't get abandoned by his dad? My son has low confidence, in part because I think his dad hasn't been there for him. It's not like he's hitting me or anything. In my heart though, I really feel that even though I don't want my son to feel abandoned by his dad, I have to put my foot down for myself and care for myself despite the consequences. I told my ex that he can't contact me during a manic episode.

Very much so no guilt trips allowed there are other ways to vent and abusing you is not acceptable

 

[PreciousChild]

Can you get social services to collect the child support? My ex was an ass, the only reason he had a relationship was because I facilitated it. I stopped. When I got social services to collect back child support, over 20,000, he sent me a threatening email, posted it on Facebook and sent it to my son to give it to me if I hadn't read it. My son was 21 at the time and he already had no respect for his father, but this pushed him over the edge. He hasn't spoken to his father since. I have had no contact with his dad for 2 years and it is wonderful.

Thanks. That's an excellent suggestion and I think anyone struggling with a volatile ex should do that. I've been divorced a very long time, and I struggled with this issue and finally did get the courts involved 6 years ago. Your ex sounds pretty evil. Makes my ex sound like an angel. Right now though, my ex is so messed up at this point that he's ignoring court orders and they don't have his new job info (which pays about 1/5 of his old job). So arrears are collecting and he's not filing a petition to modify the order which he totally can't afford now. I'm not sure what to do about this situation either. I've thought about petitioning the court to reduce or eliminate the order because it's for probably more than he's actually making now. But again, why should I spend a day in court? Isn't that his job? Honestly though, at some point I'll probably feel so bad for him that I'll go to court, file papers and write a letter forgiving his arrears. I've written a letter forgiving his arrears before when he became desperate. We had an agreement that he'd pay me when he could. Of course, he never did. But this time, he really, really can't pay, and now that he's going to therapy and stopped gambling for the most part, he does earnestly give as much as he can in cash. There's another question of the tens of thousands of arrears that he really does owe. Anyway, sorry if that's tmi. I'm glad that you've had no contact for two years. I would be happy not having contact and that may happen after my son goes off to college.

 

[PreciousChild]

Very much so no guilt trips allowed there are other ways to vent and abusing you is not acceptable

Thanks. The more people describe it as "abuse", the more I realize how distorted my thinking was in terms of what I consider acceptable treatment. This has been such a good reality check.

 

[Mytime]

I just wanted to point out. He is your ex husband. The only contact you need to have with him is about his son. That’s it. The relationship between him and his son, is just that. His son and him and if he’s not filling his side of responsibilities. Get your son in therapy to help him. It seems when you set boundaries, your ex changes his behaviour. So set a boundary when it comes to your son. Sometimes we enable behaviours without realizing it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Exactly... you cannot control another person’s behavior for the better or the worse. You can do everything “perfect” and at the end of the day he is gonna do what he is gonna do. He has a mental illness. Your son is going to be dealing with him the rest of his life. Since you’ve been divorced 12 years I’m assuming your son is not a small child anymore. Shielding him from the truth of the matter now isn’t going to do him any good.

My ex took off on my kids. I never said one ill word about him, but my kids figured things out on their own fairly easily. They were hurt, but guess what? They were going to be hurt anyway... it was just a question of when. They know I shielded them when they were little, but as older kids, teens, and now young adults they were much happier knowing the truth.