Should I let my ex husband yell at me to keep the peace?

[PreciousChild]

I was counting how many years I've been divorced from my ex, and I can't believe it's been since 2006. And all that time, I've been going back and forth between helping him maintain a certain amount of sanity as he gambled everything away including tens of thousands of dollars in arrears and abandoned his son for months and mentally years at a time. There are a strong psychological reasons that keep me on the tread mill, including the fact that I was responsible for my dad's (who was borderline and sadistic) well-being as a kid and I grew up thinking my worth was tied up with keeping someone happy. I also resent him too, and will push back angrily.

My ex has been in therapy consistently for the first time in his life and he's been doing better than I've ever seen him, but the other day he had a manic episode, called and texted me which unraveled into him cussing me out yet again. He is incensed that I won't let him vent. He says that I'm a cold b***h for not just letting him vent for 5 minutes. In the past, I felt that I would just let him to keep the peace. He blames me if his manic episode leads him to gamble and act insane. In fact, he literally says that if I don't let him yell at me bad things will happen and it will be my fault. In his mind, past misfortunes are my fault.

I know that he's wrong. But after this last manic episode, he did in fact miss a scheduled time with his son. He in fact literally makes the equation: you act like a b***h and our son suffers, and it's all your fault. It's not like he's hitting me or something. Should I just let him yell at me when he's having a manic episode, so that my teen son doesn't get abandoned by his dad? My son has low confidence, in part because I think his dad hasn't been there for him. It's not like he's hitting me or anything. In my heart though, I really feel that even though I don't want my son to feel abandoned by his dad, I have to put my foot down for myself and care for myself despite the consequences. I told my ex that he can't contact me during a manic episode.

 

[somerandomguy]

Should I just let him yell at me when he's having a manic episode, so that my teen son doesn't get abandoned by his dad?

I think you already know the answer to this:

I have to put my foot down for myself and care for myself despite the consequences. I told my ex that he can't contact me during a manic episode.

To see you cave to your ex when he abuses you would be so much worse to your teen in the long run. To see you setting healthy boundaries is actually going to be extremely good for him in terms of future relationships.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your ex is responsible for his relationship with your son, not you. You do not have to lay down on the tracks for him. Your son wouldn’t want you to either.

 

[Mytime]

No, you should not let him yell at you. He’s responsible for his actions, relationships and health.
Him using you as a reason not to see his son, is 100% manipulative
behaviour. There’s a reason he’s your ex husband and the joy to that is, you don’t have to put up with his bullsh*t.

 

[Friday]

No.

 

[LuckiLee]

No.

 

[Freida]

not unless you want to teach your son that is how he should communicate with the women in his life.

 

[bellbird]

No.

Or because sometimes even multiple people challenging my distortions can't get through to me straight away, the ol' switcheroo:
What would you say to a loved one if they were in your situation, and came to you to ask if it was ok?

I think you'll find your answer would echo that of mine and the folks here before me.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to tell me what I kind of knew. Yeah, @somerandomguy, I do know in a way what the answer is. But my ex is so insistent about his entitlement to my help that given my background and history, my objections seem so shallow in comparison. Every time he has a fit, I go to that place. I start to feel that ignoring him is like seeing him on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump off, and I just walk away nonchalantly. He thinks of himself as "the most selfless guy he knows" and "such a nice guy" despite disappearing from his son's life for long periods, not paying support, and even stealing from my son. I can't understand how he sees himself always as the victim. But I feel so sorry for him because of his childhood and he has zero friends, I usually cave, and try to help him.

One thing though is that my son never hears any of this. Also, my son doesn't know really all the bad things his dad has done. My son has never once said a bad word about his dad. Never once. I even once dragged my son to gamanon and when they asked him how he felt about his dad (after expressing their own stories of disappointment), he just said that his dad tells good stories. I can think of just a very few times when I was on the phone in front of my son when his dad was getting on me. But I honestly don't think he's witnessed 99% of it.

OMG. Since this started, I've been really emotional, mostly enraged at the thought of having wasted a dozen years of my life on this s**t. The thought that I'm going to put my foot down "for me" no matter what happens makes me emotional. I guess I have always put my own needs aside and now it's rearing its ugly head.

 

[Friday]

The thought that I'm going to put my foot down "for me" no matter what happens makes me emotional. I

Also for your son.

Blackmailing you that your son will be hurt unless you do XYZ (tone down their mania, accept being abused, etc.) for the Ex?

A) It’s using your son as a weapon. And he’s not a weapon. Whilst my own kiddo was unaware of 99% of my husbands abuse that 1%? Left serious marks. Like knowing he was being used as a weapon, and that if he was hurt he didn’t blame the person hurting him, but the person who didn’t keep the other person happy. It’s a total mindf*ck. A common mindf*ck in abuse, but a mindf*ck nonetheless. MY job? Was to protect my son. He had total faith in me for that. But the flip side was that if/when he got hurt? It was because I failed to protect him, not because his dad was an asshole. The more you blame yourself for not controlling your ex, and the more your ex blames you for not doing what he wants, the more your kid will blame you, too. Because BOTH you & your ex are blaming you. That message will translate. You don’t have to talk shit about your ex, but if you don’t want your son to blame the victim? You need to stop blaming yourself, and let the responsibility for your ex remain with your ex. Stop taking it on.

B) Do you really want your son picked up & cared for by someone in a mania? Of course not. If the bloke can’t get his own mania under control (full stop, but even worse without lashing out at people)? That’s not somewhere you want your kid anyway.

 

[PreciousChild]

Also for your son.

Blackmailing you that your son will be hurt unless you do XYZ (tone down their mania, accept being abused, etc.) for the Ex?

A) It’s using your son as a weapon. And he’s not a weapon. Whilst my own kiddo was unaware of 99% of my husbands abuse that 1%? Left serious marks. Like knowing he was being used as a weapon, and that if he was hurt he didn’t blame the person hurting him, but the person who didn’t keep the other person happy. It’s a total mindf*ck. A common mindf*ck in abuse, but a mindf*ck nonetheless. MY job? Was to protect my son. He had total faith in me for that. But the flip side was that if/when he got hurt? It was because I failed to protect him, not because his dad was an asshole. The more you blame yourself for not controlling your ex, and the more your ex blames you for not doing what he wants, the more your kid will blame you, too. Because BOTH you & your ex are blaming you. That message will translate. You don’t have to talk shit about your ex, but if you don’t want your son to blame the victim? You need to stop blaming yourself, and let the responsibility for your ex remain with your ex. Stop taking it on.

B) Do you really want your son picked up & cared for by someone in a mania? Of course not. If the bloke can’t get his own mania under control (full stop, but even worse without lashing out at people)? That’s not somewhere you want your kid anyway.

Thanks for that perspective, @Friday. No, I wouldn't want him to see my son when he's manic. And he does in fact just disappear at those times. I feel bad for my son, and just wish he wouldn't get manic, but I guess that's unrealistic.

I see that you've had experience with a "bad" ex, and I see what you're saying about the need to protect the child. When my ex threatens stuff, it's not about actually harming my son physically. It's more indirect, like he's going to lose it and gamble or just disappear. I just wanted to clarify that. It sounds like your ex was potentially violent?

As for blaming, rather than make him feel like his dad didn't love him anymore (which is why my son thought his dad left), my ex and I both told my son the story that it was my idea to take him far away and his dad was unable to travel so long to see him (the truth: my ex was going to las vegas every weekend for several months after we left him instead of visiting his toddler). So my son did blame me for his separation from his dad for several years. But after a while, he began to learn the truth, and I could see his attitude change towards me. I'm kind of apologetic, but usually my son will tell me "that's okay, mom." If I tell him that I'm so sad his dad didn't come again. He usually reassures me and tells me that it's okay. I'm not worried that he'll blame me for stuff. Despite all of this, he doesn't ever get mad, anxious, or show signs of angst. I honestly would take him to a therapist at the drop of a hat as I've done in the past, but his mood is calm and content. He gets good grades, does his chores, is cooperative and laughs easily. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in denial, but he seems genuinely content.

 

[bellbird]

When my ex threatens stuff, it's not about actually harming my son physically. It's more indirect, like he's going to lose it and gamble or just disappear.

Still blackmail and still inexcusable.
:)