Starting To Build More Walls

[BloomInWinter]

....you have to believe the rational response and that can be very hard, at least for me.

Ugh. Yeah, the believing the rational responses...right there with you. I usually just end up with a 'surrender' comment like 'Ok...' but follow it up in my head with a 'Yeah...Riiiiggghhhttttt....'

*sigh. Baby steps. At least the automatic launching into self-hating diatribes is getting better. ;)

 

[Iam]

That is great Bloom. I figure babysteps too. I am practicing every day. At some point it should become automatic! :D

 

[anthony]

Its about wanting to change and committing yourself to change. When you do something half arsed, you're going to get a half arsed result / giveup outcome.

It really is about choice, and that is why CBT is so successful for longevity... because it teaches you these very things, it teaches you how to manage yourself, it teaches you period. If something is a motion, but you learn little to nothing, then how do you help yourself next time? Oh... you can't, so you go looking for someone to help you again... and nobody can fix you, only you can fix you.

 

[Nicolette]

Just a thought based on your title Ayesha.........walls don't change anything, they keep the bad in and the good out and vice versa.......it is only without the walls that change can really be made and without change the walls stay....so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't but trust me life is better without walls.......had those suckers and finally took a sledge hammer to them and my life changed.

 

[Iam]

Good point Nicolette. My question is this: How do you break down the walls? The only way I have found is to barrel through them i.e. In therapy even though I am afraid to share what I am truly thinking and feeling, I force myself to do it anyway. Does CBT, replacing irrational, emotion based thoughts with rational, positive thoughts help in breaking down the barriers? I suppose in some ways it does simply because our thought patterns can be assumptive in regards to the motives of other people i.e.
"This person is going to judge me as a bad, crazy, worthless person if I let them close and see who I really am."
vs "This person may think some of what I do is crazy or wrong, but they are not going to judge me as a bad or worthless person. In fact he/she has proven to be loyal and caring."

"He/she always says those 'things' just to hurt me so I am going to keep them at bay" vs
"He/she may be intentionally trying to hurt me by those comments, but they may also just be venting their feelings and wanting to solve an issue between us. Or it could just be their own issues that they are projecting onto me."

IDK....breaking down the walls seems to be a process in itself. I get one layer down and work on the next. Sometimes things happen that make me believe I cannot trust others and they go back up. I am hoping that when this happens that I am able to correct my thinking enough to tear down that section of wall easier.

I think Ayesha that it is important that we keep working at it and not beat ourselves up when we backslide. It takes work and perserverance, but in the end.....we will be happier with ourselves, others and life in general.

 

[Nicolette]

In its purest & simplest sense Iam - breaking down the walls is taking the risk that not everyone is out to hurt you & you can't place moulds of past people onto the new ones who come into your life. It's a process of disassociating that past people = x and with others taking the chance they = y. It's letting go of what you thought protected you...bit like running around naked & being petrified someone will see you ;)

 

[Iam]

LOL...great analogy Nicolette...you have me ROFL! Seriously though, that kind of vulnerability is scary. I do have people I trust to be myself with, but I don't think that everyone I meet deserves that trust right off the bat, they have to earn it.

 

[PTSDT]

I cried and let a lot out with my current therapist and then I found I numbed out. My problems were:

1. No focus. I just kept repeating things without structure. Then, I saw special on PBS called "This Emotional Life" and saw a veteran getting prolonged exposure therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought it would work for me and she felt like we might as well try. Now I have a structured focus. I have a workbook. I have taped sessions to listen to. I have homework that I created. It is very different than any therapy I have ever had. It is very difficult compared to regular CBT. But I am seeing a little improvement as I force myself to go along and keep up with the stuff involved.

2. I had to drive 40 minutes each way to get to my therapist. I was so exhausted from the drive there, I could not relax enough to be in the moment during therapy. And, I didn't want to cry for the specified amount of time and then have to drive home immediately. My solution was to find a friend who was willing to go with me and drive me home. Then, we eat, I defrag, talk to him if I need to, and then take him home later.

These are the things that are bringing down my walls. Painful walls. But it will be worth it when I can see beyond them.

 

[intothelight]

Sometimes you just have to take a bulldozer and knock right through the walls. Peeking over the top, peeking around, and putting a gate in just doesn't work. Its too easy to go back behind them.

I loved Nicolette's analogy of being naked. Maybe is taking off the old clothes of crap we've worn for a long time and running around naked. Makes us vulnerable, but it also is about as honest as you can get.

So maybe today I'll drive the bulldozer naked! (scary mental image LOL)