Stating Exactly What I Need.

[Fadeaway]

Help my out guys. I feel like I have made it clear to my husband exactly what I need when I am triggered, and when I am not triggered he tells me he is going to do it. However when I am triggered instead of giving me what I need, he always says, "What do you want?"

Below is a sample a sample letter I am going to give to him detailing exactly what I need when triggered or symptomatic in general. Also included is what I need him to not do.I need your guys help to suggest place where I could reward thing to make it more clear.

Dear H.

I want to start off by saying this is not a personal attack nor criticism. This is me reaching out for a specific type of help that only you can give.

As soon as I am triggered or as we have discussed I need you to hold me and tell me that you are going to protect me and keep me safe.

I know it is not always easy for you to tell when I triggered. I would like to be able to give you a sign, but that is not always possible, but you always pick up on my panicked voice as you call it my screechy voice.
I need you to do it without me asking. That is very important because nine times out of ten I can not express that need.

I need it right away. The longer it take for me to get that, the harder it is for me to calm down. That is because I am reliving the emotions of the horror I felt when I realised no one was going to save me and no one give a damn afterwards no matter how desperate I was for someone to care about what I had been through. Please help me change the ending to that story. Let me know what that feels like to have someone care enough to put an end to it.

When I am in that state, please do not:

• Ask questions. I am not in a state where I can answer you. Hence, why I am telling you beforehand.
• Act like it is a chore or that I am putting you out. I need to know in my heart you are doing it because you want to because you care.
• Say other things. I need the sense of security of knowing what to expect. Consistency and repetition is what is going to help me develop the neuropathways I need to move out of my trauma brain and into my healthy brain on my own according to my therapist. I know you hate the repetition, but there is scientific fact behind it.
  
• Act like I don't care about your feelings. This hurtful. You know I care, but my brain can not process pretty much anything at that point in time. higher thinking is gone.

Take it personally or making it about you. It's not, period. It is about what happened to ME in the past. I am not punishing you what others did to me. I am reacting to what they did to me, and asking you to love me inspite of what happened in my past.

brain-fried at the moment, I'll work on it more later, but input is highly appreciated.

 

[Friday]

However when I am triggered instead of giving me what I need, he always says, "What do you want?"

How about working with what you've got?

If he always say this? No matter how many different times & ways you've tried to explain the above? Since we can't change other people, can you work on getting one word into your triggered vocab? "Card."

What do you want? // Card.
What do you want? // Card.
What do you want? // Card.

Print off the "card" and put a copy in his wallet, in your wallet, on the nightstand, in the glovebox, taped on the fridge. 10,000 places.

Card reads : (Front)

Hold me and tell me that you are going to protect me and keep me safe.

Card reads : (Back)

Please Do Not

• Ask questions. I am not in a state where I can answer you.
• Act like it is a chore or that I am putting you out. I need to know in my heart you are doing it because you want to because you care. // If it is a chore please _________ (go elsewhere, etc.)
• Say other things. Repetition Repetition Repetition

Please DO

• Know I love you!
• Know I care about your feelings!
• Know I appreciate your helping me!

 

[Ursafetyfirst]

Fade :hug:

All of what you said is important.

I'd suggest columns (Do and Don't), bold colors, boldface print, and laminate it. Save the longer version for him to read long before or even after something takes place. Maybe put it on the back of the paper?

Too much info will be overwhelming IMO as something is taking place and he has to react fast. (I'm comparing it to any in the event of an emergency plan. Maybe use a take off the stop, drop and roll. Like a stop, drop, and hold me plan. Keep it simple. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Expanding on @FridayJones idea, are you functional enough to have a set of cards (not too many) so that you could choose the best thing for you at that triggered moment? I've found that I can't answer questions out of the blue but I can make a choice given a few options.

I think it's awesome that you're being so proactive about healing and trying to get your supporter to help you in the best possible way.

 

[Sandstone]

I like this very much. I know my husband struggles with the fear of doing the wrong thing and making it worse, so a practical guide would be useful.

I have two questions. Are you asking for things you know he can give? Are your needs always the same?

 

[mary1979]

What a fantastic idea!

 

[hangingon]

I think both the letter & the card(s) are a great idea. You can get what you need by being crystal clear and he has solid direction to help him be a great support to you. Communication is what makes or breaks relationships of any kind.