Staying Sane During Anniversary

[the racha]

First anniversary of retraumatization was last weekend; I began to breakdown. Now I'm having a hard time "staying sane." I don't believe I'm a danger to myself or others, but I can literally feel myself losing grip of my mind.

Please tell me that someone out there knows what this feels like? Last time I felt this way was in the hospital. I have several major "annivesaries" coming up; I have no idea how I will make it through the next three months without having a completely relapse.

Any advice, please, would be welcome.

racha

 

[melissagrace]

Anniversaries And Coping

Racha,

Although we have different "stories", I can certainly relate to your "anniversary reaction" concerns... I think that reliving the experience(s) that gave us PTSD in the first place is one of the most excruciating parts of surviving PTSD. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

In my experience, finding ways to "ground" myself-- as in reminding myself that I am "here and now" as opposed to "there and then" is most important. Being aware of my breathing (trying for deep breathing without hyperventilating), as well as frequently assessing my surroundings (focusing on textures-- such as soft or scratchy fabrics; sounds-- such as passing train or kids laughing; temperature-- is it warm or is there a breeze?; smells-- using rose or lavender oils or incense to combat stress) can be helpful for managing scary anniversaries.

Please be very gentle with yourself, also... I find that I tend to blame myself more for what was done to me during anniversaries, and I have found that allowing myself to relax routines a little can help. If I don't feel like doing something, I try to get out of the obligation without feeling bad about it. Part of having PTSD is not being able to live up to expectations-- my own or anyone else's-- and trying to find peace with that is difficult but do-able.

If there are comforting sounds, smells, people, foods, etc., then by all means, seek them out. Be careful that you are making healthy choices, but don't be angry at yourself if you'd rather feel calm and safe than skinny or fabulous this week or month :wink:...

Above all, rest as much as possible, stay on any prescribed meds regularly, eat well, avoid non-prescribed drugs/alcohol, and focus on the positive... You already lived through the trauma-- that's the hardest part-- now you just have to remind yourself of all the good reasons why you're glad you did...

Hope that helps,
best,
melissagrace

 

[heather q]

I had one of the worst anniversary reactions this year, I put that down to having made so many gains and feeling better, but it was a shock to go through it again, my body remembered it all and I thought it was over. It's been over a month since the anniversary, nearly two months and I'm just beginning to feel better. So it seems this was one of the worst as far as I remember, and it really took me by surprise.

Strill struggling,
Heather

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Racha

From Wikipedia: An anniversary is a day that commemorates and/or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same day of the year as the initial event.

I tend to think it is easy to over think your trauma by giving it a greater holder on your life by 'giving it an anniversary'. Even the anniversary of a death is a celebration of a person's life and not about the pain even though the loss is always there.

See if you can re-define your trauma to just when it happened and now you are on the journey of processing what happened and healing from it....not re-celebrating it every year. By what you write it sounds like you are bringing your trauma to the present. I would think it is more helpful for you to leave it in the past and perhaps, if you need an anniversary, have it signify your development since the event and not about pain.

 

[the racha]

Thanks, all.

I have been doing my best not to pay attention to the anniversary. If anything, I thought I'd be happily toasting to my improved health. But, like with my original trauma, I have definitely had intrusive thoughts about what I was doing at this time last year. The sound of my heater kicking in (thanks, Eastern seaboard cold front!), the gray skies, all of it reminds me of the entire winter that I spent in the hospital and locked in my house.

@Nicole: There are circumstances and situations that arise-- seasons changing, etc.-- that evoke some pretty horrible memories without much provocation on my part. I don't feel that I'm "bringing my trauma to the present," as you put it. Like most of my life, the trauma comes around when triggered or sometimes just because.

I guess what's happening here is that I have changed-- I've definitely gotten better and done some really great healing work-- but my mind and body still remember all of the sensory clues of this time last year. So it gets darker earlier, it's chillier, the skies are gray, and I guess somewhere inside of me something is preparing for the worst. I have had to constantly ground myself and remind myself that I am here in 2009, and that this is not 2008.

Thanks, everyone, for your support.

racha

 

[Nicolette]

I guess what's happening here is that I have changed-- I've definitely gotten better and done some really great healing work

That's what counts...well done!

 

[Tiger Kitten]

It's always difficult for me to deal with an anniversary. It's not something you are doing wrong or anything. Your brain remembers without you consciously telling it to. No matter how hard you try to ignore it or think it away, sometimes it hits you hard. For some people it isn't just a matter of mind over matter thing. Even people without PTSD have bad anniversary reactions to traumas.

It will get easier over time, because you will learn how to deal with it in your own way. Some people say that you can learn to swim by being thrown in the water... Personally, I would probably drown that way.

Be kind to yourself. Learning what works for you is a process. It isn't a sign of weakness or of dwelling or "re-celebrating" it. I still get thrown for a loop sometimes. I have been dealing with anniversary reactions for many many years. Some years aren't bad. Some years are really really really bad. I know when my trauma happened, and I am very good at keeping it in the past. PTSD has a way of bringing the past up to haunt me though.

According to Mirriam-Webster.
The definition of anniversary: 1 : the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event; broadly : a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years <the 6-month anniversary of the accident>
2 : the celebration of an anniversary.

I would dare to say that the trauma/traumas that caused one's PTSD would count as a notable event. Wikipedia isn't a really reliable source for a lot of things. It isn't an anniversary because it is celebrated or we want to remember it. It is a term that is used to clarify what we are talking about.

What I do every year is think back and see how far I have come in dealing with my trauma. I also try to be very gentle with myself and surround myself with good things. If I have a bad anniversary reaction, I have to find a way to make it better.

It is not something that you can just force yourself through. Some people don't have the anniversary reaction, but unfortunately some of us do. I find that I am a lot more fragile around anniversaries. Even when I am doing really well with my PTSD. It does get better and easier (for the most part, depending on other things around you) to deal with it over time. The second usually isn't as bad as the first etc.

Good luck and take care of yourself the best that you can during this difficult time for you.

 

[Jestadud]

I might have something to contribute here, I used to go to my local pub every Wednesday to meet up with friends for a chat and laugh. I'd been doing this for around 13 years only missing out weeks through illness or holidays. It was here that the incident that introduced me to ptsd occured.

I'm not the greatest for remembering dates, off hand I could only say it was early March 3 or 4 years ago.
The anniversary for me is a Wednesday so I get 52 a year.

The thing is I know what it is (ok maybe I didn't for the first year , but I do now)
and this gives me strength to deal with it.
Most of the times I acknowledge it but ignore it.
Sometimes I allow myself to feel melancholy or angry.
But probably the best is when I'm with lively people whose company I really enjoy, so I want to stay in the moment not miss to anything and not be anywhere else.
Hope this might help.

 

[the racha]

Thanks for the replies. It has gotten better, after a couple of days of Klonopin and playing video games. I'm a little worried, because the entire winter is a nest of triggers, but I'll take your advice in hand and just try my best to get thru it.