Staying silent on suicidal ideation

[Haven]

Hey guys!

So I had been doing well for a while, but then things got hard at work. I keep making mistakes. I feel like I forget everything people have told me, people talk and I can't seem to remember anything unless I write it down, and my brain will filter things out so I don't remember what I've just done or my body acts without me thinking on autopilot. I feel like I have less and less control over my own body. I can't seem to remember anything.

I've discovered criticisms and people being disappointed in me, are huge triggers for me. Which is making me suffer at work. It's weird for me, because I've always excelled, before I would work hard, study smart and do well at all my work and would get promoted quickly. Now I'm afraid of getting fired at my new job. I just can't seem to get anything right. It's kind of a new experience for me to honestly feel that way.

I've been spiraling for the past couple of days. I don't want to tell anyone, and have them get upset. I've been tempted a couple of times, but have been able to talk myself out of doing anything. I've been trying to count the things that I'm grateful for, that went well at the end of the day. Then a new day starts, and it starts all over again. I feel like I'm losing grip on my reality. The way I'm viewing things is warped.

I got triggered really badly last night. I was watching a show, that should have been clean, but then something came up and triggered me. I kept watching like a moron, that horrific fascination of trauma. The haunting images cut my mind like a blade.

I'm afraid to tell anyone, to talk about it. I keep wanting to push on. I can't relax, I have so much work to do. I don't want to lose my job. I just keep working. I can't let anyone know what a hard time I'm having right now. I don't want to make a fuss and sit on the bench. I just want to get better at my job, I just want to excel again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Haven))
I understand! Try to give yourself Grace and compassion? Like you would do for someone you love?

New jobs are hard, but NO ONE expects you to be perfect and to not make mistakes... Well... except yourself... If you can expect that you will make mistakes... Then you won't be so let down. If that makes sense???

Don't give up, and do your best to live in the moment. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME is ALL anyone can do!

A hug :hug: if ok? And Welcome to the Forum!

 

[shatter eyes]

What is your ideation?

Maybe if you share specifics it will have less power over your emotions.

 

[Haven]

(((Haven))
I understand! Try to give yourself Grace and compassion? Like you would do for someo...

Sorry it seems I pushed a wrong button in my reply! (I was trying to do preview, and it didn't work.) I had written a more thorough reply but I will summarize. Unfortunately my supervisor expects that after she's taught you once, or told you once, that you will be perfect. I'll ask her to double check things to make sure I did it correctly, and every time I feel like an idiot. She's cussed out and screamed at people at work, and twice I've had to leave the office for a while to calm down, get grounded, and wait for my trauma rash to disappear. I haven't told anyone about my PTSD. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells around her. Sometimes she's nice though, and even friendly. I just never know what to expect, and I'm always putting out fires. Even worse, I know she's speaking with my boss, and I always feel like I will lose my job. I think she's actually nice for the most part, I just don't know what to do about her uneven keel.

My suicidal ideations are fortunately only fleeting moments for the most part. Overdosing on pills, asphyxiation, running out into traffic etc. When I spiral though, my reality gets so warped, it's hard to pull myself out sometimes. Every time I make even a small mistake (such as hitting the wrong button to try to preview my reply) a suicidal ideation pops up. Basically that I'm worthless, I'll never be good enough, I don't deserve to live, there isn't anything I'm good at, I can't make anyone happy, I'm not loved, I'm a burden on society and the world at large, I can't do anything right etc. I know none of it is true though, I'm actually very talented at many different things, it's just my views get so warped and clouded, everything becomes dark.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Every time I make even a small mistake (such as hitting the wrong button to try to preview my reply) a suicidal ideation pops up. Basically that I'm worthless, I'll never be good enough, I don't deserve to live, there isn't anything I'm good at, I can't make anyone happy, I'm not loved, I'm a burden on society and the world at large, I can't do anything right etc. I know none of it is true though, I'm actually very talented at many different things, it's just my views get so warped and clouded, everything becomes dark.

I really do get it. Especially the part about a supervisor who is always hovering over you, just waiting for you to make a mistake. (She sounds a bit Bipolar, and I have a feeling that there may have been some excess turnover of employees due to her disposition?) I am SO sorry that you have to deal with that. It's really hard to relax even when you aren't at work, since you know you have to go back.

I also get the sudden suicidal ideations that pop up out of nowhere...or the urge to self-injure in some way. It really does get so, SO old! Most of the time, I feel trapped by life, knowing that I have no choice but to stay here, and deal with whatever comes my way.

A lot of it right now, is the time of the year. There are too many death anniversaries, and too much hype about holiday happiness. I just want it to be January 1st, so I can "start over."

I hope that you will be able to relax a bit, since being anxious interferes with the memory. Is there any chance of finding another job? I know it's super hard to interview, and be looking for a job, but it's a thought.

Blessings of peace to you!

 

[MandyLucio]

I often have suicidal ideation. Mostly all day actually. When I was younger in my teens and twenties I actually acted out in my suicidal thoughts but now I am well into my thirties and I leave them as just that...thoughts. I’ve surrendered to the fact that these thoughts are there and they are likely a permanent part of my life so I suppose I let them come and go as my mind wishes. Maybe I am lying to myself when I say “well as long as I am not acting out my thoughts then I am ok” because let’s be realistic I don’t think healthy individuals think of suicide all day. Often times I feel relief at just the thought of my own demise. I will close my eyes and imagine how peaceful a coffin would be. Sounds morbid I suppose but what else can we do with this suicidal ideation issue besides just bare with it and try our best not to act on them.

 

[Lost Marbles]

I will close my eyes and imagine how peaceful a coffin would be. Sounds morbid I suppose

Count me in as being morbid, thoughts of "sleeping" in a coffin bring a peaceful calm to my emotions some days.

 

[shatter eyes]

Sleeping in a coffin i think be cozy and quiet.

In japan they do some suicidal therapy by putting people in coffins and treating them like they are dead. The social culture pressures drive many youngsters to die and those who fail are offered this coffin treatment.

 

[Haven]

Thank you guys! My supervisor has been on vacation for the last three weeks, and though it has been stressful because I'm doing all of her work and mine, I'm not worrying about her as much anymore. She did have a small chat with me before she left. She knows she can be difficult, and she doesn't mean to attack me, it's just that she's really stressed, and has a hard time keeping it in check. If I'm honest, I feel like it's a proud moment for me not to just sweep this under the rug by the way, I think everyone gets stressed all the time, that doesn't mean it's okay to constantly criticize or demean people, and scream and yell and make people feel worthless. I told her I don't take it personally, but I've decided if she ever screams and yells at me, I'm walking out, and talking to my boss about reassignment or quitting. After the talk she was better though, and the weeks she's been gone, though I've been doing long hours, has been pretty nice.

A thought I've had when I've done a stupid thing, "Why did I do that?! I'm such an idiot!" It comes up, "well that's because you're a terrible person, and you're the scum of the earth stupid." I know it's not true, and I think it partly comes up because I'm searching for an explanation and the "I'm a terrible" person is the easiest answer I can find, so I just get comfortable with being awful and live with it, thinking I deserve all the horrible stuff. Or I'll just stand there and wait for the horrible stuff to disappear and get on with my life. It's crazy how much I don't fight for myself at all. It's easier when I don't think reality is real at all too, and I'm just walking through a dream. I'm trying to work on it, to speak up, to talk back to the nasty thoughts, to try to say three positive things about myself when I do something stupid, or come up with a reason why I must have made that mistake. "I'm tired, I didn't understand the instructions etc." I want to be healthy.

I think the coffin idea is interesting! I used to imagine performing seppuku to myself whenever I was really embarrassed!