Steps To Resolve An Issue

[Jimmy1]

My therapist called it the 4 R's. Its used when a conversation gets out of hand. You can continually do this till a situation is Resolved.

Remove - Remove yourself from the situation
Relax - Go somewhere and calm down (do your breathing etc, etc)
Return - Return to the scene of the crime, and
Revisit - Revisit the discussion. Usually things get out of hand and we blow our stacks before it can be solved.

The hardest part is finding a code word or signal to defuse the situation and have both or all parties go to their neutral corners.

Sometimes especially with older teenagers, they won't back down or give it up which results in an explosion by me. Other situations can occur in public with a shop assistant or something. Its up to us to recognize this and get away. We must revisit and resolve it otherwise its left hanging.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Jimmy

I really like the 4R's, and I'm sure it will work in a lot or even most situations. I will say that there are situations that can't be resolved. Firstly, I believe that if people are willing to have an open dialog to discuss something that's problematic between them that's the first step. The next is that the resolution may be something that neither party will completely agree on but both can live with. To do that requires that both sides have to compromise to some degree, a little give and take. That's where the problem comes in. Some people are either unwilling or too ego centric to give a bit. I've found myself in these situations more than once. It's when you have a choice; doormat or asshole. With some people there is no middle ground in which to discuss, create a dialog or anything else. You have the choice. Doormat is when the person just treats you inappropriately and you let them rather than make it more than that. Or asshole, when you are not going to be kicked in the balls and treated like crap. It's kind of like this when dealing with the VA, for instance. Not always, but mostly. I've learned to pick when I'll 'fight it' as it were. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort and other times it is.

When people are reasonable, you can resolve the problem. Which I always prefer. When they aren't, it's door number 2.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

Yeah, your dead right mate. I discussed this yesterday with my therapist.

With the 'Stress Cup'. A normal person will wake up with a level of say '1' and us with PTSD a level of say '4'.
Daily stressors have us hover between 4-6.

When a dispute happens we wind up pretty quickly and once we get past '8', usually there is no stopping and we explode out of the blocks into overdrive.

In family life you have to work out a secret word or signal that is non-offensive like GIBroken was talking about. And when your level reaches '7' is when the first step should be taken.

Retreat - This is hard because we are taught in the military to fight through.
Relax - Do some breathing, play a game etc till it drops to 4-5 again, sometimes for me it might require a chill pill like Xanax or something.
Return - My therapist said you should only return to the situation if there is a rational reason. i.e. a child has stolen money and has not owned up yet. Sometimes its more advantageous to raise the white flag and not go there anymore, like with irrational teenagers. Once you have your point across, there is no reason to.
Revisit - Sometimes it might be necessary to repeat this cycle over and over and over until it is eventually resolved.

This is all ideal, but you and I know that sometimes it just goes pear shaped too quickly.

 

[JarHed]

This is all ideal, but you and I know that sometimes it just goes pear shaped too quickly.

Hey Jimmy

I love that analogy. Sometimes people sure make it more difficult than it needs to be. Just like everything, you just try to do your best. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you just suck.

I usually reach some point where I just laugh about it, I guess it's like a pressure release valve for me. After a good laugh, it's hard to get mad, at least for a while.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

Yeah mate, its teenagers that don't let go and keep pushing. Its like watching Rambo First Blood.
They started it, they just kept pushing rather than leaving him be.

 

[Anglesachse]

Sound good jimmy mate, kinda what I learnt on my DBT course aswell.

Sidelining a bit here, but its funny you should mention Rambo First blood. My nipper asked the other day (he is allmost 12) if he could watch it. The misses asked me what it was about so I explained about John Rambo being a Vietnam Vet who is trying to get to terms with living as a civvie in the US, and she starts on about "Ohh, its like a film on PTSD"

Never crossed my mind to think of it like that. She isn`t one to watch war films or anything like that, but she now wants to watch Rambo first blood, from the therapie side of understanding PTSD better.

Women, never could understand them!!! just me rambling on again

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, when I first watched it, it did not mean shit. Later on I understood.

Watch Band Of Brothers. The old boys on that well, you can just see it in their eyes.

 

[gmoe240]

Reading this post was pertinent to me today. Last night my 16 year old son pushed every single button on me and I wound up blowing up pretty badly. I wish I had read this post prior to our confrontation, could have really used the Four R technique. Especially the retreat part. I wouldn't back down, and for the first time, my son wouldn't either. Ugh.

I was able to realize what was happening and that I was out of control in the middle of it and begin to calm myself down somehow. It wound up, after some time alone for both of us, with mutual apologies and a hug. Thankfully. But if I had backed off a bit early on, it would've been much less damaging. I am still way over the top with my ability to cope tonight though.

More and more I seem to be right at the very top of my "cup", I blow up at the simplest things, just minor dumb stuff has the potential of sending me into orbit.

I am being treated by the VA, I take welbutrin twice a day and trazadone to sleep. Also have some Xanax to take as needed. I tried a few visits to the Vet Center for some counseling but I felt like the guy I was talking to was a quack, so I stopped. I know that I need to get into some type of therapy though, the meds just cut down on my symptoms and hardly do that. I also work at a job where I cannot have had a Xanax prior to going into work.

Any suggestions to get over this hesitancy to seek therapy? I have no desire whatsoever to talk to some therapist about my PTSD issues, I just isolate myself.

Gary

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Gary,

Its natural mate. Sometimes it takes two or three times to find the right therapist and then they have to earn your trust. That is why 'generally' its easy to delineate between veteran who has been in combat and the standard Joe in the street with PTSD. Veterans are taught to withhold their emotions and not complain.

Keep searching for therapists who specialise in PTSD especially combat related.

Find a Veterans Centre somewhere. Or just tell us what state you live in and one of the other guys here on the forum might be able to point you in the right direction.

As for your teenage boy mate, I had that problem a lot and still do even though I know the 4 R's.
Its all about how full the cup is prior to the altercation. Some days it is nothing, other days I am straight on the attack if you know what I mean.