Still Angry

[Frogs88]

(Warning: Some pretty raw confessions below.)
I wrote a few days ago about how hard it is to deal with noise because it makes me angry. But now i've started to realize these angry reactions are new things to me, the way I'm talking is more aggressive and louder, the gestures I make more violent in some way, it's just like for years i've not let myself get angry and now I'm letting it out.

I've always said, other people have it worse. Other people live through wars. Other people have years of abuse.

Well now I am accepting my right to anger.

I grew up with a schizophrenic brother who tried to kill me. I developed PTSD then I went off to uni where the PTSD got bad and I lost the man I loved and all my friends due to self harm during flashbacks adn generally just pushing everybody away. I then got into an abusive relationship, he raped me, in trying to get out of it I accepted help from a man who turned out to be a serial rapist who picked on me because I looked young and he liked young girls. He raped me. I didn't report him. Three other girls were raped before he was caught. I could have reported him and stopped that from happening. But I didn't, because I thought it was my fault. I moved, again and again and again and for a while everything was okay just so long as I kept moving and I didn't date or let anybody too close. Then years down the line I decided to settle down. I think it's time to start dating again. I get a place to live (that I hate but it's safe) and a job that I enjoyed. Then the PTSD came back. And I'm going to lose my job and then not be able to move out of the shit house. And yes, I have a right to be angry. I am not innocent, I have made bad choices, but I have a right to be angry.

Just expressing my thoughts.

 

[Ronin]

Other people have it worse... but you can't work on that if you don't start with healing *you*, so you matter even in that scheme of things, suffering in the bigger scope.

You're not at fault for what that rapist did. He's at fault, and only he. Furthermore: reporting him may have gotten some protection and/or justice for others - but it also may have not. It might have gotten you in danger. You might have met others like him wanting to protect 'his honor'. Things like that. You just can't know anything would be done about the report, or anything useful.

You *did* everything right. You stayed alive. You're working at healing *now*.
Musing. So proud of you for figuring you have the right to anger. It's quite a leap.

 

[WillyKat]

Yes you do have the right to be angry. I've come to the point where I've not only allow myself that right but I also embrace my anger as a legitimate part of who I am. And when I'm able to do that, the anger dissipates and becomes much more manageable.

Except so far this week, but that's a different story.

This is a positive development, in that expressing anger, shouting it from the roof so to speak, is a f**k of a lot better than turning it inward. That's progress in PTSD-land, where black is white and night is day and shit smells like daises. There are more phases, but I won't pretend to enumerate them because I haven't beaten this monster yet.

Still, I think the next phase is understanding what you're angry at. Are you angry at your brother or those that failed to protect you from your brother? Did those around you let you down when you needed protection? It might be worth taking a look at all that because understanding what your little self, the one inside you, is angry at is essential to getting control of it.

And while you're at it, give your little self a hug and some comfort. I have a feeling she's hurting too.

 

[Jon Decker]

@Frogs88 thank you for sharing and man I can get there too with the anger.

You certainly have a right to be angry about a lot of things but I wonder how might you best use that energy to serve you? Is the anger serving you in anyway? And if not are there ways you could dedicate that energy for your own personal benefit?

 

[Frogs88]

I don't know how anger can be useful.