richard_Grey_Area
Bronze Member
Ok, well you know how feminists love quoting the statistic that it is no coincidence that 75% of rape victims are women and 99.9% of rapists are men? I guess that statically speaking this makes me a very special person then...
Anyway, I've read up a bit on female to male sexual violence and I believe the following based on what I read: most commonly it is a mature woman sexually abusing a young boy. There seem to be two main forms of this abuse with a substantial grey area between. 1) a mother (or mother figure) presenting sex with her child a legitimate expression of love and 2) an angry woman who subjects a child to what amounts to torture of a sexual nature or torture and sex or torture from which she derives sexual pleasure. I've heard of some who have experienced both at the same time (their mothers hurting them and having sex with them, calling it "love") - anyway, perhaps someone with a background in psychology could clarify... but I got almost entierly the second one. I was physically and psychologically abused as a child by a woman not related to me in way which I now understand as sexual. Back then I didn't understand it period, I rationalised it as being no different from the physical and psychological abuse I was suffering at home from both my parents (I thought that the focus on genitals, nipples and anus were to make it more painful - probably it was).
Anyway, I'm fast forwarding through my early life so I can get to what I'm writing to you about today.
For a few years I forgot or blocked it out. Then I remembered, I was a little perturbed to see that realising something this <unsound> made me happy. As a child and teenager I was very angry, I developed serious behavioural problems and a learning disability. I was violent and depressed to the point where my behaviour caused me to be sent for (non optional) counselling at several points in my early life.
When I remembered what happened, I wanted to tell people and so I told some male friends with whom I was fairly close.
The reaction I got makes me angry and disgusted to this day. I was making it up, it was some kind of sick sexual fantasy, women don't behave like that, men do, I must accept that I am by nature a sexual predator and move on.
I refused.
Then came something which changed my life. I attended a talk given by a female rape survivor. She spoke openly and honestly about her experiences, her feelings and about the sort of society in which this kind of thing takes place fairly often.
So much of what she said resonated with me so closely.
I went and spoke to her after the talk, agreeing with her about many things she said.
I thanked her, then I told her that I had suffered sexual abuse as well when I was a child.
She put her hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes with what seemed to be undiluted compassion and said "I'm so sorry" - she invited me to speak to her about my experience.
I got as far as saying that my abuser had been a woman.
and she recoiled from me as though I had transformed into a ball of venomous centipedes.
Was fighting to keep from screaming at me, she told me I was lying, that women never do things like that because they can't. That all sexual abuse is done by men always and almost always against women. She refused to speak to me and stormed out of the venue.
Now, I must say that before I remembered what had happened to me, I was pretty misogynistic! I didn't know why. Remembering what happened to me actually caused me to stop hating women, but I didn't exactly like them either.
Being confronted with this reaction hurt and upset me deeply.
But somehow it made me think about things, in a way I almost think this was the beginning of the healing process I have begun.
I had to wonder at the type of society we live in. I wondered things like why it was that if a man walked around believing that all women everywhere wanted nothing other than to have sex with him and that they would gladly force him into a dark alley and hurt and rape him if given the chance, why we would lock that man away in a psychiatric hospital for the rest of his life, but our reaction to the many women who feel this way is "get your stuff sorted out and don't make it my problem, go to therapy or something (bitch)".
I decided that I wasn't going to hate all women because of what one had done to me once, that I was always going to try to see the perspective of female victims, even if that perspective came across as angry and hateful (which described me perfectly for a while anyway).
Well, I realised that I can't be everywhere at once and stop all rape, sexual abuse and gender violence, but I decided I could be the kind of man who doesn't encourage it and who where possible takes a stand against it.
Most importantly, I decided I would open my heart again, I would love people again and I would love women, even thought they frightened me.
It has been a long and difficult road so far, I think I've made progress in some areas.
But I'm far from healed.
Sometimes I feel it is like my heart stopped developing when I was hurt as a child, that I am now living with a heart which hasn't grown up yet.
Although physically I seem to be ok, all systems check, I think that I am for the most part what people call "asexual".
I was in a relationship with a ...rather interesting woman it was intense and mercifully brief. At some point we were having sex between 5 and 8 times a day.
I felt no form of physical pleasure.
I felt a little pleasure in giving pleasure, but to me it was like I was washing her dishes for her, I didn't enjoy it at all, but I enjoyed that she liked me doing it.
Other relationships between then and last night have not involved sex, but I don't regret one, I got to know some amazing people on an intimate level and I learnt a lot about myself and others.
But what I need to speak to you about is last night.
Sorry, double-posting
I just saw the great wall of text I was building and kind of thought it better to start last night and related things separately from the background to the whole story.
I wasn't sure how to write about this because I didn't want to seem like I was boasting about an encounter or trying to write porn here, but I wanted to give the full experience. I'm going to give the details of what happened and how I felt in painful detail here as I'm sure many would relate details of their abuse. While it should be noted that my intention is not to create erotic literature, it must please be noted that from now on there will be sexually explicit content. I don't know what you've been through and I don't know how you will take it, but if you don't want to read about a sexual experience, stop reading now.
It started when I met a work colleague, at first we really didn't get on, but later we became close friends.
She soon (needlessly, I thought) subjected me to what would best be described as "aggressive belligerent friendzoning" and there were many things about our somewhat uneven friendship which did not sit well with me. But I let her know that I would be there for her and I would do whatever made her happy and comfortable. And then she went through a hard time and she called me and I helped her through it, and then she went through another hard time and I was there for her again. After a while it was as if she was deliberately over-reacting to things which happened in order to get my attention. She stared demanding "boyfriend privileges" from me and I asked for (non-sexual) physical intimacy in return. It was her decision that I was no longer "friendzoned" and I responded to this the way I responded to being told I was. I said that as far as I was concerned, our friendship was something which couldn't and didn't need to be defined, that it was unique and special and that I would be deeply moved and flattered if she felt the same way.
So yes, we became kind of involved.
We had to travel insane distances to be together, we spend ages cuddling and talking crap, it felt good to hold her hand and to wake up seeing her there next to me. We didn't have penetrative sex but we had a hell of a lot of pg13 moments and a lot of fun, a deep bond developed between us. But her contract expired and she had to leave the country. We decided that our friendship was the most important thing and it was that we would invest in. We decided that at some point we would meet up again, and if at that point anything other than our close friendship existed... well we would see when the time comes.
And she left, and I was kind of devastated, and now I miss her in a more appreciative way, like the memory of something good I no longer have, rather than a desperate raw way, but that was largely due to her interrupting my typing of this just now to phone me from the other side of the world. But there have been times when she has messaged me and made an effort to contact me every day and I was disgusted with myself because it just didn't feel like it was enough. The physical and romantic side of things grew out of our friendship, it was never the basis for it, but there have been times I wanted more than a message or even a phonecall. I'm not proud of it, but these things happen.
Sorry if I seem to be boring you with more background, you want to get to the sex scene, right?
It's coming, but first I wanted you to know that I am semi involved in a hard to define but very loving relationship which has done good things for me.
But she is not my only friend,
I've always had more female friends than male ones, I don't know why.
And I have this other friend who is overweight and a lot of fun, she works with computers and is making a web page for me. Now she does overcharge me, but I know this and I'm happy to pay extra because she does a great job and I like her even if she is a bit dodgy.
I just don't trust her, sorry to say. My close friend on the other side of the world met her and she said she likes her but she says she just can't trust her. I'm not going to attack her character here, but there are things she has said and done which make me question her motivations.
One thing I didn't question though was that the interest she showed in me from the beginning was genuine. I may have questioned why she was interested (I'm not exactly an attractive man) and I may have suspected that if I left her alone in my apartment I might come back to find stuff gone and her not around, but I never suspected she was faking her interest in me.
Anyway, last night I was really sick, like falling down sick and exhausted. I'd spend the day trying hard to see doctor (a lot more difficult if you're living in a country in which you weren't born) and failing to do so. I had some almost food, stopped trying to clean my filthy apartment and got into bed. I was asleep by around 7. I woke up sometime after 3 in the morning, it was my friend calling (the cute chubby one, not the one who I'd like to call more than a friend, but let's go with friend...) she told me she was in serious trouble and could I come downstairs and open the door for her please? Now in that sate, somewhere around 4 in the morning, feeling kinda sick, I wasn't thinking straight, just feeling like - my God, my friend's in trouble! - and I went down to help her. Iet her in and she looked exhausted and like she had been crying. I told her she could sleep in my bed, I have a guest mattress but it is large and my place is tiny and most of the floor was occupied by everything having been moved out because I'm cleaning. So I told her she could sleep in my bed and she got in. Then I realised I didn't have anywhere to sleep since she took up most of the bed, I was exhausted. She looked at me standing there like a zombie and said "you can sleep with me" - I thought she was being ironic and playful.
Anyway, I climbed into bed and cuddled up to her, it felt good to put my arms around someone and feel the warmth again. I didn't understand why she was looking at me like that and kept giggling, but I fell asleep.
I woke up because I she was 1/2 on top of me, kissing me hard.
I told her I didn't want to and she continued. I have never liked kissing, it feels to intimate and unpleasant; the only kiss I enjoyed in my life I think was the one I had with my close friend who went 1/2 way round the world when I said goodbye to her, I actually felt a strange pleasure with that one. But I kissed my friend back a bit, even though I didn't enjoy it and kissing her felt like eating raw meat.
I told her I was in love with the other woman and she said she didn't care.
She put my hand on her breast, and I won't lie, I've always enjoyed breasts, they are more comforting than sexual to me, but they are fun.
Anyway, she told me to touch her and she climbed onto me and started dry humping my stomach. At this point I wasn't having so much with her breasts because I was quite uncomfortable but I continued to play with them and to kiss her because I was hoping she would finish quickly and calm down, going to sleep and giving me a chance to sleep myself!
She kept touching my genitals and asking what was wrong, why wasn't I hard, couldn't I get an erection?
I discouraged this as well as the numerous attempts she made to rip my pants off. She wanted sex and I wasn't giving it to her.
She grew very angry and started hitting me softly, she wasn't hurting me, but I knew she wanted to.
After a while I decided that it was better she was satisfied and calmed down and slept, so I gave her my hand to masturbate with. At first I barely did anything and she moved against me, but she was doing this tongue invasion and lip attack kissing thing which made it hard for me to breath while sick and I moved my hands to help her finish so she would calm down and sleep. She did.
At no point was I even slightly aroused.
We slept together without cuddling which was slightly disappointing to me.
I told her I didn't want this, I didn't cooperate much, but I didn't resist much either.
I felt confused and a little worried, also kind of disgusted, but I didn't feel angry, hurt, violated or hateful of her or myself.
I think I could best describe my feeling as: imagine you are a vegetarian and you go into a restaurant and order cheesy vegetarian pizza. Instead of complaining, for some reason you eat the whole thing and don't enjoy it.
The thing is that what I experienced there would best be described if you reversed the genders of those involved so I was the girl and she was the boy. Then it would be anyone's guess how it was received, but it could easily be described as a form of sexual assault.
And I felt nothing except what I have described and wondering what the hell just happened and seriously, I told my close friend overseas that I would tell her everything, but how the hell was I going to tell her about this? and should I just not mention it? (I did in the phonecall with her while typing this, she was upset and outraged but she wasn't angry with me - as far as she showed). I was perturbed as to what this meant to my friend who came over and used me as an unwilling sex toy, I was even more confused when she was normal this morning and last night didn't come up in the discussion. She didn't want to cuddle this morning either, which made me kind of sad.
The thing is that ok, there is a big difference between a horny and slightly tipsy friend who won't take no for an answer and what I went through as a child which was someone trying to hurt me for no understandable reason.
But I was in a situation with a sexually aggressive woman and although I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't so upsetting to me that I hated myself and wanted to kill someone.
So I don't know if I should take that as a sign that I'm moving beyond letting something someone did to me rule my life, or if it means I just don't give a <fudge> anymore, which could not be a good sign.
Also, if I am getting any better, why do I still have little interest in having sex and I presume I would still not feel anything?
I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar or comparable situation, a friend coming over and kind of forcing themselves on you and you not really feeling it but not exactly resisting either - was it traumatic? I mean am I supposed to be traumatised?
Also is there something I do which encourages women to behave in a sexually aggressive manner towards me? This is not the first time something like this has happened only before the women weren't happy to accept my non-resistance and didn't get their happy ending and so they ended up like seriously and deeply hating me forever because I denied them sex.
I guess what I'm asking is WHAT THE HELL? and for anyone to share any insights, including but hopefully not limited to me being a giant bag of dicks and that this forum was created for people with real problems, not for amateur porn writers to practice on.
I'm interested in moving forwards, seriously, I don't want what a rather sick person did to me over 20 years ago to define me as a person and the kinds of relationships I have, so all insights welcome.
Anyway, I've read up a bit on female to male sexual violence and I believe the following based on what I read: most commonly it is a mature woman sexually abusing a young boy. There seem to be two main forms of this abuse with a substantial grey area between. 1) a mother (or mother figure) presenting sex with her child a legitimate expression of love and 2) an angry woman who subjects a child to what amounts to torture of a sexual nature or torture and sex or torture from which she derives sexual pleasure. I've heard of some who have experienced both at the same time (their mothers hurting them and having sex with them, calling it "love") - anyway, perhaps someone with a background in psychology could clarify... but I got almost entierly the second one. I was physically and psychologically abused as a child by a woman not related to me in way which I now understand as sexual. Back then I didn't understand it period, I rationalised it as being no different from the physical and psychological abuse I was suffering at home from both my parents (I thought that the focus on genitals, nipples and anus were to make it more painful - probably it was).
Anyway, I'm fast forwarding through my early life so I can get to what I'm writing to you about today.
For a few years I forgot or blocked it out. Then I remembered, I was a little perturbed to see that realising something this <unsound> made me happy. As a child and teenager I was very angry, I developed serious behavioural problems and a learning disability. I was violent and depressed to the point where my behaviour caused me to be sent for (non optional) counselling at several points in my early life.
When I remembered what happened, I wanted to tell people and so I told some male friends with whom I was fairly close.
The reaction I got makes me angry and disgusted to this day. I was making it up, it was some kind of sick sexual fantasy, women don't behave like that, men do, I must accept that I am by nature a sexual predator and move on.
I refused.
Then came something which changed my life. I attended a talk given by a female rape survivor. She spoke openly and honestly about her experiences, her feelings and about the sort of society in which this kind of thing takes place fairly often.
So much of what she said resonated with me so closely.
I went and spoke to her after the talk, agreeing with her about many things she said.
I thanked her, then I told her that I had suffered sexual abuse as well when I was a child.
She put her hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes with what seemed to be undiluted compassion and said "I'm so sorry" - she invited me to speak to her about my experience.
I got as far as saying that my abuser had been a woman.
and she recoiled from me as though I had transformed into a ball of venomous centipedes.
Was fighting to keep from screaming at me, she told me I was lying, that women never do things like that because they can't. That all sexual abuse is done by men always and almost always against women. She refused to speak to me and stormed out of the venue.
Now, I must say that before I remembered what had happened to me, I was pretty misogynistic! I didn't know why. Remembering what happened to me actually caused me to stop hating women, but I didn't exactly like them either.
Being confronted with this reaction hurt and upset me deeply.
But somehow it made me think about things, in a way I almost think this was the beginning of the healing process I have begun.
I had to wonder at the type of society we live in. I wondered things like why it was that if a man walked around believing that all women everywhere wanted nothing other than to have sex with him and that they would gladly force him into a dark alley and hurt and rape him if given the chance, why we would lock that man away in a psychiatric hospital for the rest of his life, but our reaction to the many women who feel this way is "get your stuff sorted out and don't make it my problem, go to therapy or something (bitch)".
I decided that I wasn't going to hate all women because of what one had done to me once, that I was always going to try to see the perspective of female victims, even if that perspective came across as angry and hateful (which described me perfectly for a while anyway).
Well, I realised that I can't be everywhere at once and stop all rape, sexual abuse and gender violence, but I decided I could be the kind of man who doesn't encourage it and who where possible takes a stand against it.
Most importantly, I decided I would open my heart again, I would love people again and I would love women, even thought they frightened me.
It has been a long and difficult road so far, I think I've made progress in some areas.
But I'm far from healed.
Sometimes I feel it is like my heart stopped developing when I was hurt as a child, that I am now living with a heart which hasn't grown up yet.
Although physically I seem to be ok, all systems check, I think that I am for the most part what people call "asexual".
I was in a relationship with a ...rather interesting woman it was intense and mercifully brief. At some point we were having sex between 5 and 8 times a day.
I felt no form of physical pleasure.
I felt a little pleasure in giving pleasure, but to me it was like I was washing her dishes for her, I didn't enjoy it at all, but I enjoyed that she liked me doing it.
Other relationships between then and last night have not involved sex, but I don't regret one, I got to know some amazing people on an intimate level and I learnt a lot about myself and others.
But what I need to speak to you about is last night.
Sorry, double-posting
I just saw the great wall of text I was building and kind of thought it better to start last night and related things separately from the background to the whole story.
I wasn't sure how to write about this because I didn't want to seem like I was boasting about an encounter or trying to write porn here, but I wanted to give the full experience. I'm going to give the details of what happened and how I felt in painful detail here as I'm sure many would relate details of their abuse. While it should be noted that my intention is not to create erotic literature, it must please be noted that from now on there will be sexually explicit content. I don't know what you've been through and I don't know how you will take it, but if you don't want to read about a sexual experience, stop reading now.
It started when I met a work colleague, at first we really didn't get on, but later we became close friends.
She soon (needlessly, I thought) subjected me to what would best be described as "aggressive belligerent friendzoning" and there were many things about our somewhat uneven friendship which did not sit well with me. But I let her know that I would be there for her and I would do whatever made her happy and comfortable. And then she went through a hard time and she called me and I helped her through it, and then she went through another hard time and I was there for her again. After a while it was as if she was deliberately over-reacting to things which happened in order to get my attention. She stared demanding "boyfriend privileges" from me and I asked for (non-sexual) physical intimacy in return. It was her decision that I was no longer "friendzoned" and I responded to this the way I responded to being told I was. I said that as far as I was concerned, our friendship was something which couldn't and didn't need to be defined, that it was unique and special and that I would be deeply moved and flattered if she felt the same way.
So yes, we became kind of involved.
We had to travel insane distances to be together, we spend ages cuddling and talking crap, it felt good to hold her hand and to wake up seeing her there next to me. We didn't have penetrative sex but we had a hell of a lot of pg13 moments and a lot of fun, a deep bond developed between us. But her contract expired and she had to leave the country. We decided that our friendship was the most important thing and it was that we would invest in. We decided that at some point we would meet up again, and if at that point anything other than our close friendship existed... well we would see when the time comes.
And she left, and I was kind of devastated, and now I miss her in a more appreciative way, like the memory of something good I no longer have, rather than a desperate raw way, but that was largely due to her interrupting my typing of this just now to phone me from the other side of the world. But there have been times when she has messaged me and made an effort to contact me every day and I was disgusted with myself because it just didn't feel like it was enough. The physical and romantic side of things grew out of our friendship, it was never the basis for it, but there have been times I wanted more than a message or even a phonecall. I'm not proud of it, but these things happen.
Sorry if I seem to be boring you with more background, you want to get to the sex scene, right?
It's coming, but first I wanted you to know that I am semi involved in a hard to define but very loving relationship which has done good things for me.
But she is not my only friend,
I've always had more female friends than male ones, I don't know why.
And I have this other friend who is overweight and a lot of fun, she works with computers and is making a web page for me. Now she does overcharge me, but I know this and I'm happy to pay extra because she does a great job and I like her even if she is a bit dodgy.
I just don't trust her, sorry to say. My close friend on the other side of the world met her and she said she likes her but she says she just can't trust her. I'm not going to attack her character here, but there are things she has said and done which make me question her motivations.
One thing I didn't question though was that the interest she showed in me from the beginning was genuine. I may have questioned why she was interested (I'm not exactly an attractive man) and I may have suspected that if I left her alone in my apartment I might come back to find stuff gone and her not around, but I never suspected she was faking her interest in me.
Anyway, last night I was really sick, like falling down sick and exhausted. I'd spend the day trying hard to see doctor (a lot more difficult if you're living in a country in which you weren't born) and failing to do so. I had some almost food, stopped trying to clean my filthy apartment and got into bed. I was asleep by around 7. I woke up sometime after 3 in the morning, it was my friend calling (the cute chubby one, not the one who I'd like to call more than a friend, but let's go with friend...) she told me she was in serious trouble and could I come downstairs and open the door for her please? Now in that sate, somewhere around 4 in the morning, feeling kinda sick, I wasn't thinking straight, just feeling like - my God, my friend's in trouble! - and I went down to help her. Iet her in and she looked exhausted and like she had been crying. I told her she could sleep in my bed, I have a guest mattress but it is large and my place is tiny and most of the floor was occupied by everything having been moved out because I'm cleaning. So I told her she could sleep in my bed and she got in. Then I realised I didn't have anywhere to sleep since she took up most of the bed, I was exhausted. She looked at me standing there like a zombie and said "you can sleep with me" - I thought she was being ironic and playful.
Anyway, I climbed into bed and cuddled up to her, it felt good to put my arms around someone and feel the warmth again. I didn't understand why she was looking at me like that and kept giggling, but I fell asleep.
I woke up because I she was 1/2 on top of me, kissing me hard.
I told her I didn't want to and she continued. I have never liked kissing, it feels to intimate and unpleasant; the only kiss I enjoyed in my life I think was the one I had with my close friend who went 1/2 way round the world when I said goodbye to her, I actually felt a strange pleasure with that one. But I kissed my friend back a bit, even though I didn't enjoy it and kissing her felt like eating raw meat.
I told her I was in love with the other woman and she said she didn't care.
She put my hand on her breast, and I won't lie, I've always enjoyed breasts, they are more comforting than sexual to me, but they are fun.
Anyway, she told me to touch her and she climbed onto me and started dry humping my stomach. At this point I wasn't having so much with her breasts because I was quite uncomfortable but I continued to play with them and to kiss her because I was hoping she would finish quickly and calm down, going to sleep and giving me a chance to sleep myself!
She kept touching my genitals and asking what was wrong, why wasn't I hard, couldn't I get an erection?
I discouraged this as well as the numerous attempts she made to rip my pants off. She wanted sex and I wasn't giving it to her.
She grew very angry and started hitting me softly, she wasn't hurting me, but I knew she wanted to.
After a while I decided that it was better she was satisfied and calmed down and slept, so I gave her my hand to masturbate with. At first I barely did anything and she moved against me, but she was doing this tongue invasion and lip attack kissing thing which made it hard for me to breath while sick and I moved my hands to help her finish so she would calm down and sleep. She did.
At no point was I even slightly aroused.
We slept together without cuddling which was slightly disappointing to me.
I told her I didn't want this, I didn't cooperate much, but I didn't resist much either.
I felt confused and a little worried, also kind of disgusted, but I didn't feel angry, hurt, violated or hateful of her or myself.
I think I could best describe my feeling as: imagine you are a vegetarian and you go into a restaurant and order cheesy vegetarian pizza. Instead of complaining, for some reason you eat the whole thing and don't enjoy it.
The thing is that what I experienced there would best be described if you reversed the genders of those involved so I was the girl and she was the boy. Then it would be anyone's guess how it was received, but it could easily be described as a form of sexual assault.
And I felt nothing except what I have described and wondering what the hell just happened and seriously, I told my close friend overseas that I would tell her everything, but how the hell was I going to tell her about this? and should I just not mention it? (I did in the phonecall with her while typing this, she was upset and outraged but she wasn't angry with me - as far as she showed). I was perturbed as to what this meant to my friend who came over and used me as an unwilling sex toy, I was even more confused when she was normal this morning and last night didn't come up in the discussion. She didn't want to cuddle this morning either, which made me kind of sad.
The thing is that ok, there is a big difference between a horny and slightly tipsy friend who won't take no for an answer and what I went through as a child which was someone trying to hurt me for no understandable reason.
But I was in a situation with a sexually aggressive woman and although I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't so upsetting to me that I hated myself and wanted to kill someone.
So I don't know if I should take that as a sign that I'm moving beyond letting something someone did to me rule my life, or if it means I just don't give a <fudge> anymore, which could not be a good sign.
Also, if I am getting any better, why do I still have little interest in having sex and I presume I would still not feel anything?
I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar or comparable situation, a friend coming over and kind of forcing themselves on you and you not really feeling it but not exactly resisting either - was it traumatic? I mean am I supposed to be traumatised?
Also is there something I do which encourages women to behave in a sexually aggressive manner towards me? This is not the first time something like this has happened only before the women weren't happy to accept my non-resistance and didn't get their happy ending and so they ended up like seriously and deeply hating me forever because I denied them sex.
I guess what I'm asking is WHAT THE HELL? and for anyone to share any insights, including but hopefully not limited to me being a giant bag of dicks and that this forum was created for people with real problems, not for amateur porn writers to practice on.
I'm interested in moving forwards, seriously, I don't want what a rather sick person did to me over 20 years ago to define me as a person and the kinds of relationships I have, so all insights welcome.
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