Still here...

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

Just wanted to let people who have supported me on this site before (and anyone else) that I'm still here. I still haven't left her, i'm still miserable in the relationship, still cant stop myself from reacting to her in a caring and re-assuring way even though I know she's never shown any concern for how I feel, She still calls me things like "whore" and thinks its a big joke (i even suggested that she was bordering on being mean, and she said she disagreed, that it would only be mean to call me a whore if i actually had sex for money, or slept around a lot) she still, in an annoyed sounding voice, says god i'm just kidding, still accuses me of playing a victim if i say anything negative about her, accuses me of bad mouthing her to my friends every time I see any of them, or my therapist, still reacts very negatively if I even suggest furthering my career any sooner than "the foreseeable future" I'm starting to feel more hopeless that i'll ever bring myself to leave her.

On the brighter side, i have a new full time job as a nurse assistant, that I'm have been pretty successful with so far. Money's not that great, but i've had worse. I also like the work better than previous jobs, and like the people i work with. My son is 15 months, and walking like crazy. Also I've been controlling some of my ptsd symptoms better at work, which has been an issue in the not so distant past.

Really just wanted to sat hi, and I'm still here, above all else.

abbynormal1929

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey Abby.

Glad you're feeling good in other aspects of your life! That's terrific. You're really doing well there and I hope you start feeling more confident. You're a great person. You deserve good things for yourself.

 

[Ronin]

Heya Abby,

So you are having fun with your kiddo, who is doing well, & are working your damnedest on being away from the toxicity at least somewhere, like your work, & doing damn well at it. That is great, & damn proud of you.

It IS doing steps to leave. Not small ones, either.

Much strength as you still deal with her.

Thanks for both hanging in there and checking in.

 

[EveHarrington]

See, that’s the thing.

She doesn’t get to decide what hurts you, not now, not ever.

She’s found a way to push your buttons, and continues to do so.

Gaslighting? Making you feel like you’re the crazy one because certain words hurt you? So now it’s ok to call someone every nasty name in the book as long as it’s not true? No, not in a million years.

My therapist says it’s ok to close the doors slowly as opposed to just ending things all at once. Just make sure that those doors are actually closing, as if you keep trying in hopes that she will change, you’re not going to be building the emotional distance you will need to leave her one day.

Can you talk to your therapist about an exit plan? Are your friends trustworthy enough to talk with about this?

 

[HealingInProcess]

Abuse is never okay and there is no excuse for calling someone a whore. None.

 

[abbynormal1929]

That's the thing, I pretty much have an exit plan. There's a domestic violence center near by that can help my start the divorce/custody stuff, and help me get an order of protection if she harasses/stalks me via phone or otherwise. I have friends I can stay with that aren't too far from my work (they are however just across state lines which could present a custody issue), but I still don't think it would be too hard to find a place to stay in state if I needed to. Just still seems like a huge practically impossible step.

 

[HealingInProcess]

That's the thing, I pretty much have an exit plan. There's a domestic violence center near by that can help my start the divorce/custody stuff, and help me get an order of protection if she harasses/stalks me via phone or otherwise. I have friends I can stay with that aren't too far from my work (they are however just across state lines which could present a custody issue), but I still don't think it would be too hard to find a place to stay in state if I needed to. Just still seems like a huge practically impossible step.

Well you have steps and that's a great start.

 

[Deanna]

That's the thing, I pretty much have an exit plan. There's a domestic violence center near by that can help my start the divorce/custody stuff, and help me get an order of protection if she harasses/stalks me via phone or otherwise. I have friends I can stay with that aren't too far from my work (they are however just across state lines which could present a custody issue), but I still don't think it would be too hard to find a place to stay in state if I needed to. Just still seems like a huge practically impossible step.

It's not a huge practically impossible ? but you need to do it for you and your child. It's like, we have PTSD from past trauma, So don't start his small life with trauma, already. You are responsible for his life now. Sorry to be so straight forward but he's a little kid. Glad you're here with us!

 

[abbynormal1929]

I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip on my self. I'm believing my wife more and more when she makes her jokes, or blames me, or suggests in whatever way that I am a bad guy, and she is always a victim of something. Starting to believe more and more that I don't deserve good things, don't deserve to see my friends cause I'd be leaving her high and dry with the kids (if only for 2 hours). I love my new job, but it is also leaving me pretty tired, and I cant think as clearly, and use way too many run on sentences (that last part was a joke). I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just tired.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can we reality check?

I think #3 in the “how to be an abuser” handbook is “isolate your victim from friends and family so they have no other support but you and therefore won’t leave”.

She’s isolating you——and it’s working.

You deserve to have friends. No one person can be your everything, even if they are perfect.

Seeing your friends for 2 hours is not leaving her “high and dry” with the kids.

Keep building your support network. You’re going to need these people in your life.

 

[Freida]

I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip on my self. I'm believing my wife more and more when she makes her jokes, or blames me, or suggests in whatever way that I am a bad guy, and she is always a victim of something. Starting to believe more and more that I don't deserve good things, don't deserve to see my friends cause I'd be leaving her high and dry with the kids (if only for 2 hours). I love my new job, but it is also leaving me pretty tired, and I cant think as clearly, and use way too many run on sentences (that last part was a joke). I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just tired.

Abuser programming. She senses she is losing control and needs to demean and isolate you to get it back. Be brave. Get out.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I'll do what i can. The other thing about the kids is that my stepdaughter is on the autism spectrum, and especially as of late, she has been acting out very aggressively. She needs to be on meds, and my wife has reluctantly resigned herself to that now. She has an appointment at a behavioral clinic that has a developmental pediatrician and a bunch of other professionals, but the first appointment isn't till the end of august. My wife won't even consider more emergency type options. She doesn't trust clinicians and She's convinced my stepdaughter would be removed from the home. And she wont even consider a 72 hour impatient stay for to stablize. (which I could understand her not wanting that but sometimes it's necesary) That situation puts a little more weight on needing me for the kids. My wife is gaslighting me, and isolating me, and destroying my self-esteem, but it's also just fact that we both get kicked, scratched, and bitten on a regular basis. Not trying to excuse her abusive behavior. Just saying that my step-daughter's behavior is no small factor in our lives.