General Still Living A Rollercoaster Life Of Downs And Even Lower Downs.

[Sunshine71]

Dear supporters

Its been a very long time since I was here.

Still living a rollercoaster life of downs and even lower downs.

It feels like my life is a lie - being bubbly with clients and who people think I am - and then at home its hell with my husband.

I am involving him in my business as he wants to be - but we have had to cancel so many things and at the last minute.

Last night I was looking forward to exhibiting at a business event and he was feeling OK. He didnt like the event and driving back he wouldnt speak.

He has slumped down again and just says to leave him alone.

We are both in the house and I have SO much work on. We need it to keep us afloat - do I leave it - encourage us to perhaps go for a walk and this may help clear his head?

He is moping about. Looking at the internet. Not able to focus and just wants to be left alone.

This is what I am doing but I am so down too.

Looking in we have everything - work we enjoy, a beautiful son, a marriage of nearly 20 years, not even a mortgage to worry about as this was nearly paid after he had a heart attack - not a great way to pay it I know!

In reality I am scared that I will lose this great man and scared that he will end up in a hospital and not come out.

Its not fair is it???

With love and thanks Sunshine

 

[Eleanor]

It is so completely not fair. And I know just what you mean about living a lie. I go around acting like everything is ok - when it is VERY VERY not ok. On the other hand, maybe we are looking at the thing backwards. Maybe inferring anything about the other parts of people's lives from how they act in public/professionally is just bogus to begin with. My Mom used to remind me that "things are probably not at sweetness and light at their house either."

My husband is on day two of an episode. He got up this AM and told me that he thinks the reason we are having trouble is because I am on my period. HA that would be funny, a guy with PTSD and DID criticizing ME for having PMS (which is a real thing BTW, but I don't have it!) Then he told me he thought it was best if I head down to our other house (I am staying away mostly these days) as soon as our daughter (5) got up. So I did. Then he called irate that I hadn't woken him up to say goodbye. We were at the bottom of the hill so I said, I thought you didn't want to be disturbed, and you said go, so we went, but we'll come back since it is important to you. He said "don't bother" but we did. He yelled at me that I wouldn't help him with a small task yesterday (which was not so) and that all he wanted was for me to be "reasonable." Although he couldn't say what that might look like. Crazy. Heartbreaking.

I am scared EMDR will take too long and I'll give up. I'm scared he won't get better. I'm scared the guy I love and married forever will be trapped inside that horrible human being on my front porch this AM. I was looking forward to a life with someone who could share life with me. (My first husband was Aspergers-y and had social anxiety - lots of parties on my own!) But this. Back to covering and omitting and lying. "How are you?" "Oh fine, a little tired today." Tired. Yeah, right, like having crossed the Alps on foot tired.

Sorry to rant on. Bottom line, You are not alone Sunshine. I admire you for hanging in there. I am in much the same position with hubby and daughter - I'll leave her with him for an hour or less and home, or he'll take her with to the park and running errands. That seems to be ok. But otherwise, no time off for me. I know other people get sitters, but she is already in day care three days a week (a lot IMHO) and I guess I don't really trust people too easily.

No easy answers here. I'm so sorry you are going through all this too. In that way, I wish it was only me. Or better yet, none of us!

 

[The Albatross]

Hope things improve soon Sunshine... keeping you both in my thoughts.

 

[Navy Spouse]

I agree ladies. It doesn't seem to get any easier to put on the everything is fine face.

 

[Eleanor]

I teach college, and one of my students (whom I know somewhat) asked me how my Thanksgiving was. In a fit of honesty, I said, "It sucked, actually, but thank you for asking." He was a bit taken aback, but we talked about polite questions and honest ones, and whether and when to tell the truth. I did appreciate his asking BTW.

I wonder, sometimes, how necessary the "mask" is and how much harm we all do each other by pretending to have easier lives than we do. Not just us PTSD folk, but everyone...

 

[Toria]

I've had a bit of a week of "the mask" - people at work have a vague idea of what goes on, but I don't talk about the details too much. This week the cleaners have all come in with their own problems and my boss has been ringing me up three and four times a day with reeeeeally important problems such as "did you give the gardener a glass of wine?" and "did you give the gardener's dog a biscuit? You know how he likes his biscuits". Wouldn't it be lovely if our biggest problems in life were whether someone had had a glass of wine!!!! But the mask stayed firmly in place - "I'm fine thank you".

I think we all have down days - and then there are the really-down days where you really do start to wonder how it will all pan out. Just hang in there, and hopefully there'll be a really-good day just around the corner x

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much for your amazing replies everyone. I havent got back onto the forum since I last posted - Just trying to get a lot of work sorted before its too near to Xmas.

Eleanor - we sound so similar. I do wish you all the best too.

Hubby was 'fine' for a few days. There is an annual event that I like to attend and as he seemed fine I took my son and hubby could have a day to himself to study and have some time. If he didnt feel good I could not have gone and would not leave me son either.

He picked us up from the station.

I had a super time - it was SO good to get away from all the PTSD cr@p. And my son loved it too.

I knew as soon as he picked us up he had gone down hill again.

We went to bed and he wouldnt event talk and he felt moody this morning.

I am just leaving him alone.

I heard the keys (I am working from our spare room) he was going to go without saying bye. He says he is going to the doctors although without an appointment I dont think he will be able to see anyone.

I just want a NORMAL life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well I will have a look around this amazing forum and then crack on with work again.

Take care everyone.

With love Sunshine xxx

 

[Eleanor]

Howdy Sunshine,
It's the unpredictable, "its baaack" nature of the thing that is so... undermining. I'm glad you had a little time "out". And desolate that he was back in it when you got home.

Have you read Anthony's updated Understanding PTSD article? I read it when I first found this site months ago, but reread recently and it was way more informative this time (???)

A normal life. Sigh. Yup. That's what I had in mind too. I find myself reacting, even when he's "ok" and then I second guess myself, and then I think "ok, but you are not going to make it if you react to every little thing with full alert." So... The thing that is saving me is that we have two houses, and he teaches at night - so four nights & mornings a week life is predictably calm for my daughter and I. I don't like being separated in this way in principle. But in practice it is doing me a lot of good. After our bad weekend it was SO NICE to land back here - and not see him for a couple of days. (Disloyal, lots of beat up myself thoughts having written that!)

He was ok last night, came down with the Christmas stuff - the little girl decorated the tree - We had a nice time although he was worn out from chopping firewood for the other house. Hopefully we will manage a nice Christmas... Although if Thanksgiving is any indication...Arrgh. Hard not to anticipate.

I'm pulling for you Sunshine! Love to you all...

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks Eleanor - I did read the info and it is amazing.

Today has been stressful - and it is 2 years to the day of the hit and run car accident too.

We just got back from seeing the new psychiatrist and hubby told me it is going to be alright, he will get better. He is going to get his (peddle) bike out as this helps him feel better too.

Then he said that while our son isnt here he is going to play his playstation - I said well perhaps thats better to do that in the evening - during the day why not focus on your business and getting fit.

This is how I feel.

Great - now he is sulking after shouting at me. Maybe I should just let him sit there at 1pm playing his Playstation - but really I dont agree. Should I just say nothing?? Too late now :O(

How much more can I take......

 

[Sunshine71]

Hiya

I wanted to let you know that I just went downstairs and apologized to hubby.

I said that I am sorry and if he felt that an hour playing the Playstation is what he needed while our son was with nanny then thats fine. I know that keeping fit and working on his new career is vital however if he needs that space then thats fine too.

I cant help being a workaholic! Maybe thats how I am coping.

Hubby apolgised for shouting and is making us both a sandwich - so a better outcome than us both being upset.

Sunshine xxx

 

[amethist]

2 years to the day of the hit and run, must be hard on both of you. But it is also not a very long time for your husband to be as you would like him to be either Sunshine, and knowing the NHS as well as we do, not surprising either.

If your husband needs to play on the play station, then let him, it will help his mind, as long as it is not for hours on end.

4 1/2 years on and my husband is just now beginning to see he does have a life after PTSD. So for 2 years on, your actually doing quite well.

If he had the business plan before his accident, maybe now it is not as far up front as it was then for him.

Unfortunately the line between pushing him too far and not far enough, is a very fine one, I know from making that mistake myself.

Let him get Christmas over and have a few more sessions with his new Psychiatrist, then see how he moves forward then.

Remember baby steps makes more progress than running jumps.

Amethist

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you again for your insightful words Amethist.

I am checking in tonight for the first time since before Xmas.

Hubby has been suffering albeit much more mildy over the past 10 years - the recent hit and run has taken everything to another level.

He did well over Xmas - The husband I used to know. We had fun and saw friends and family. Brilliant. New Years Eve he had some drinks and we both knew that he wasnt himself.

We watched the fireworks on TV after just watching a film and then went to bed. His face had changed - the look that I know that PTSD has taken a hold.

I said "Come on babes, lets start the new year postive. We have had a super Christmas together and I really love you"

His reply was

"Can you tell me your name again?""

Its so sad.

We have been together for more than 20 years :O(

The past few weeks I thought were OK after he changed his anti depressants to the morning instead of before bed.

Its all gone downhill again from last night :O(

Thank God for this forum.

Sunshine