Relationship Still Not Feeling Like They're Home

[JHBarron]

I am a female friend of someone who is a LTCol who served in Afghanistan for 20 months. We spoke and emailed often while he was away. When he returned home we saw each other a few times in the past year and speak frequently still via phone and email. He only live 30 minutes from me. When I addressed why he sometimes doesn't return my calls, or emails, or take time to see me - he replied that many of his friends are upset with him about this very thing. He has been home for 14 months and says he is still not 'home'. He has returned to work as a Sgt on the police force and is active still in the Natl Guard. He either spends time alone or with his military buddies or brother. Can you help me understand more about his comment that he is not 'home' and why he stays distant. Can't even get him to meet me for a cup of coffee yet we can talk 3-4 times a week.

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum. A good place for you start is to read the articles on the main page about PTSD and also the ones about being a carer. I think you will find them very helpful. Also reading the threads on the forum will give you a lot of good information too.

Jawn

 

[Deleted member 5760]

JGBarron,

A lot of people are in your position. You will find help and support, and mostly understanding on this forum. You might also want to look at the Combat PTSD forum. I suppose, try to bear in mind that isolation is so often part of PTSD and that a huge part of being a friend/carer/partner is knowing when to speak and when to allow someone with PTSD to withdraw healthily. At lot of people with PTSD are still acting in 'threat mode'. This may be part of why this person is pushing people away. I admire you for wanting to learn in order to help your friend.

Welcome to the forum.

-superjen

 

[holdmyheart]

My fiance returned last year from a deployment to Iraq and he's struggled with this same issue. From what he's told me, I think he feels like when he left life here everything was fine- and he spent fifteen months building up the life he would have when he came back here. Then he did and everything isn't as he remembered it. Plans haven't worked out as he'd envisioned, his friends and family that haven't experienced war don't understand him, and everything seems so trivial to him now compared to the situations he used to face on the battlefield. He feels like he didn't come home because he didn't come back to the life and home that he remembered. Honestly though, I'm not sure if it's home that changed so much or if it's my fiance that changed. Does that give you a better perspective? I know when he explained it, it helped me sort of understand where he was coming from emotionally and mentally when he said that.

 

[JHBarron]

Thank you for the replies. I have also read the posts on whether to stay in the relationship or not. The comments were quite interesting. My friend said he can't handle a relationship right now but asked that he needs me to be his friend. I asked what being a friend looks like right now. His reply was to continue emailing and calling him. He said it helps that I email him and call him. My ache is that I want to see him. He typically answers the phone with enthusiasm when I call but he will keep the conversation short, always has to take another call, call me back, etc. I have not spoken to him for the past 2 weeks because I needed space emotionally as I continued to be disappointed. Not easy as many of you know. I'm letting him call me next if he wants my help. He seems to be out living life by buying properties, seeing his friends, getting his police work done, etc. It is all work. I do know his sleep pattern is messed up still. Most of what he does is by himself which I find interesting. He says he doesn't know what he does in his days but they go by quickly.

If it was any other friend, I would pick up the phone and have an engaging conversation about their symptoms, how can I help, etc. I would love to pick up the phone and talk with him but that is me doing the work again. Or is that me being a friend because he admitted he does not discuss his feelings well at all. He keeps everything in his head. Would love feedback on this.

In the meantime I am reading "The Road Less Traveled" I recommend that to Carers. It has helped me see how the relationship met many of my needs based on unmet childhood issues (and possibly his as well). I suggest the book if you want to learn how to be a healthier person in addition to understanding how love and relationships develop.

All my best - JHB

 

[JHBarron]

My fiance returned last year from a deployment to Iraq and he's struggled with this same issue. From what he's told me, I think he feels like when he left life here everything was fine- and he spent fifteen months building up the life he would have when he came back here. Then he did and everything isn't as he remembered it. Plans haven't worked out as he'd envisioned, his friends and family that haven't experienced war don't understand him, and everything seems so trivial to him now compared to the situations he used to face on the battlefield. He feels like he didn't come home because he didn't come back to the life and home that he remembered. Honestly though, I'm not sure if it's home that changed so much or if it's my fiance that changed. Does that give you a better perspective? I know when he explained it, it helped me sort of understand where he was coming from emotionally and mentally when he said that.

Thank you for your response. Sorry for the delay. What I am accepting now is that the relationship is not going to be what I thought it was going to be when he got home. Your explanation does make sense. I just wish he communicated more often about it. The one thing I know is that we have spoken more than some of his friends have with him. That led me to think I was special to him. But not in the same way I wanted. so on I go and appreciate the fact that I helped him get home.