Still Trapped

[Casey_03]

I am still stuck in the maternity hospital and I don't think there is any end in sight. I don't know if I have any way out of this. The doctor said it does not seem I will go into labor anytime soon. So I am just stuck here. I did manage to nap one day when it was unusually quiet but since then it has been the same routine of not sleeping due to the noise, waking up feeling sick and generally feeling sick and terrible 24/7. There is no privacy. There is no time of day or spot in the hospital to just be alone and breathe. My room has other girls in it and it is also used as some sort of prepping station for other patients, so people are quite literally coming in and out every 5 minutes. Phones constantly ringing, women screaming, or watching TV on the loudest possible volume. It's even worse in the hallway; it's like a herd of wild animals running around making noise. I try to go into the toilet to get at least a few moments of peace and the janitors come in and enter the stall without knocking (it's not een really a stall, there's just a drape there. no toilet seat and no toilet paper) Even when I put headphones on and I try to zone out or have time to myself, people come up to me asking random things that I have no answer to. The nurses hate me and ganged up on me earlier today because I told the head doctor they'd been charging me for food -- food that is free. Everyone else has been eating for free and I've been paying for it every day. I told the doctor about this with amusement, not even complaining, just like "yeah, Ukraine is interesting, turns out I've been paying for food that is free every day." I made it clear I wasn't complaining, was just sort of shocked. But now all the nurses keep harassing me. I am supposed to get tests done every day -- temperature taken, blood pressure taken, blood taken, urine sample, and an ultrasound. But to do each test I have to stand in line, usually for a minimum of an hour. There are no benches or seats for this, you just have to stand there or lose your spot in line. All while in extreme pain and discomfort. I can't take much more of this. In all honesty, I do not want this baby anymore. I felt differently before coming to this hospital, but I am now 100% certain I do not want him. I have consistently felt that way ever since I arrived in the hospital. There's no maternal instinct, no connection to him, I don't even care about hearing his heartbeat or seeing him on the screen. I feel nothing at all, zip. I guess I was hoping it was just a stress reaction but I don't think it was. So I've begun negotiating with an adoption agency in Chicago and am hoping they can help me with airfare otherwise I will have to give him up to a Ukrainian adoption agency here, and they aren't pretty.

 

[Friday]

Wow. Now that's an adoption story to be dreamed of.

"My birth mother was a journalist trapped in a war torn country, on a hit list, sick in a hospital... and in order to save my life she brokered a deal to get me out of the country to be raised by my parents here in Chicago."

Yep. No maternal instinct there whatsoever. Clearly.

...

As an addendum, it's fairly normal over here for adoptive parents to pay 20k-50k in adoption "fees" which cover all medical and travel and living expenses of the birth mother. And thats not on the black market. Completely above board. ((Black market babies cost a helluva lot more. Many, if not most of which, come from Eastern Europe (I have no idea your race, but if you're white? Double the amount adoptive parents often spend to adopt Russian & EE babies.)) So paying for 2-2.5 tickets (if 1 is round trip) stateside? Maybe 2k in total? Pfft. Drop in the bucket for parents who've been waiting years, and have already spent 10 or 25 times that. More, if they had a birth mother change their mind. Which happens. Or have gone a couple rounds of IVF at 10k-20k per pop. If you do decide on adoption? Get the airfare. Bare minimum. That is something the embassy/mission/consular officer "should" be able to help with, by the by.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones Thanks, the adoption agencies I've spoken to so far didn't seem too generous about airfare and said I'd have to make my way back on my own before they'd even begin the process. But it's possible I just haven't been talking to the right agencies. They did seem pretty suspicious of me for calling from overseas. As for the maternal instinct thing, I have to admit that the furthest thing from my mind with adoption is saving the baby's life. I mean, his life is not in danger if he stays here. The adoption thing would be selfish, and I recognize that. But I realize that I am not up to motherhood. Though yeah, I think it's more for my own sake than the baby's. There is definitely no heroic desire to save the baby's life by getting him to Chicago. I say that with complete and utter honesty. I am not worried about the baby's life at all right now. I'm worried about myself

 

[mary1979]

I think you could easily be forgiven for feeling that way, and if you still feel the same once he arrives then I hope you can do it with a clear conscience.

You've battled pretty hard.

Wish we could all come over with flowers and chocolates, cuddles and support for you.

Hope you know we are all on your side xxxx