"stop being a coward"

[Mach123]

IDK these people feed on you that's my opinion. The world is full of these emotional vampires. I used to say I was one, I mean I am one or, I have been. Suck the life out of you. It's awful but I think it goes on way more than anyone thinks or wants to admit. I'm not saying this in your case but I've had cases where it's like, 'this is being friends?'

 

[shimmerz]

I manage to change the subject - but then next thing I know, whether it's a week later or a day later, it's back again.

It is your responsibility to attend to your mental health. Especially when it is broken already.

Anybody who continually sticks a knife in your heart or back or where ever doesn't belong in your presence until you are well enough to handle an appropriate boundary setting scenario that protects you.

Anything else is drama. People with PTSD don't need drama from external sources.

 

[TTC18]

grit - you don't sound anything like her at all. I appreciate your thoughts.

I know what you mean - "This is being friends?'
And keeping only nice people in my presence is a good idea for sure.
Thanks, everyone.

 

[EveHarrington]

EveHarrington I know it's not good 'tough love' I just think she's not *trying* to be mean. I've...

...and most people who are abusive aren’t actually trying to be abusive. Are we supposed to accept abuse just because that isn’t the persons intent?

 

[TTC18]

...and most people who are abusive aren’t actually trying to be abusive. Are we supposed to accept abuse just because that isn’t the persons intent?

I don't know. I guess there's a grey area in the middle between the extremes, but I've never thought about it. Intent is important to me - Everyone I identify as an abuser in my life really was actively and maliciously trying to harm me. So anyone who's not deliberately and maliciously trying to harm me falls into the 'not an abuser' category in my mind, I guess.
Does it count as abuse if the person is just insensitive, or socially inept, or whatever? I think my bar that stuff has to measure up to to 'count' as abuse is high - if I counted everyone who was casually/accidentally cruel as an abuser, I wouldn't have a whole lot of people left in my life. People are just thoughtless sometimes, everyone makes mistakes - I do tend to distance myself from people who make me unhappy, but don't have the tools to pull far enough away that the unhappiness doesn't happen again, unless they allow that pulling-away to happen. If I pull away and they follow and act nicely and behave like a friend, I end up friends with them again. Just call me 'go with the Flow' I guess

 

[EveHarrington]

...does someone have to be abusive for you to kick them out of your life?

If someone is an insensitive jerk, but perhaps not abusive per se, would you keep them in your life?

 

[TTC18]

All signs point to yes.
I guess that means my standards are low.
Just another bit of stuff to look at. In a gigantic never-ending pile of stuff. Ugh.

 

[shimmerz]

So anyone who's not deliberately and maliciously trying to harm me falls into the 'not an abuser' category in my mind, I guess.

I can relate to this for sure. I had this discussion many times with therapists and good friends. Each disagreed that intent was important. Because really if what someone is doing is not helping your mental health or at least keeping it at neutral then that matters.

Not sure if you relate to this but I really look at this whole friendship.relationship thing as an energy exchange. And energy is not an infinite resource. So it is super important to recognize how you feel at the end of these exchanges. Ideally you should feel more energized and also the other person should feel more energized after an interaction. If one or the other of you does not and it is consistent that one person feels drained or confused or anything that isn't positive on a fairly consistent basis, then that is something that needs to be considered when thinking about interactions in the future.

bar that stuff has to measure up to to 'count' as abuse is high -

I understand this too. And I think most of us can say that our tolerance for garbage from people goes unnoticed or under the radar. That is me, for sure. But the idea when healing is to be I-centric. Things need to be looked at as measurably lifting to the spirits or at least neutral. None of this 'I don't know what she means by that', 'maybe I shouldn't be upset about what he said', kind of stuff because that is a huge draw on your energy stores. And energy stores are critical when healing.

 

[TTC18]

But the idea when healing is to be I-centric.

I don't think I'm anywhere near the point of healing - I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Can't even imagine being 'I-centric' - I don't even know who 'I' is outside of all the things I do to cope. There's another thread on here talking about rescuing animals. I rescue. My job (when I can do it) is help and support/customer service. My focus since as far back as I can remember has been on making other people happy. My husbands, my kids, my bosses, my friends, my neighbors. I don't know if there's more to me than that. Scary thought, indeed. What if I dig down under all of this coping stuff and find that I don't like the person I really am?

I can understand the idea of energy exchange, I just don't know if I can apply it to life, if that makes any sense. I know I feel upset and drained after talking to most people for more than a minute - but that's not all their fault. Being around people drains me because I want so badly for them to like me, approve of me, feel friendly toward me, and most importantly not be mean to me...

The idea of intent not really being important does make sense... thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, it really helps to see how other people think.

 

[Teasel]

I can understand the idea of energy exchange, I just don't know if I can apply it to life

You'll manage it, baby step by baby step. Probably 2 steps forward 1.5 back kind of thing :-)

I relate to such a lot if what you're saying and having dwfo been beginning to learn how to by i-centric having never known that was a thing. It's a good thing to learn
Best to you :-)

 

[SittingDuck]

But.....
There's really not a lot braver than fighting a mental health condition. There's nothing cowardly about doing battle with your very thoughts and your very body for every second of survival.
Come to think of it, there's really not a lot braver than fighting for your own survival in your own battle that no one else sees. It's easy to fight to save others, that I can do, but fighting for myself and not giving up is hard.

This is awesome, @Swift . Thank you for the reminder to be kinder to ourselves.

I’ve found that being my own worst critic is a common trait that I share with many others who are also living with this condition (or illness or however else one prefers to label PTSD). It is almost infinitely easier to stand up for anyone else who appears to be in need of assistance than it is to advocate for oneself. I’ve been doing the former nearly every single day for the past 10+ years, but I don’t yet have the faintest clue on how to do the latter. From what I’ve seen, it seems that humility is overly abundant here and that many of us could benefit from a little more assertiveness in our lives without the extra baggage of feeling guilty for seeking to have our very basic emotional needs met by those who care about us.

Now if I could just convince myself that I deserve those same things, my life would probably feel a lot smoother (I hope no one takes that as a “woe is me” or pitiful cry for sympathy. Deservingness [or lack thereof] is simply my own stumbling block.)

 

[TTC18]

berlinda - I can see how it could be a good thing. Hopefully I'll figure out how to take some of those baby steps. :)
SittingDuck - yes, I can advocate for others but not myself. I can stand up to mean people to protect others, but not to protect myself...

Now if I could just convince myself that I deserve those same things, my life would probably feel a lot smoother (I hope no one takes that as a “woe is me” or pitiful cry for sympathy.)

I don't see it as a cry for sympathy - it sounds exactly like me.