I was walking the other morning and I heard some yelling. Instantly I go alert because it's my nature, I pull up and try to see what's going on. Of course it's happening where there shouldn't be anyone but I can't tell what "it" is, my instinct is to go over and find out if there is someone in trouble, that's always my first instinct but I stopped myself for a moment remembering my conversation in therapy. I am trying to remember that I have the tendency to "project" my feelings onto others and situations especially when I am going through things. My first reaction, assumption, when I hear yelling at 5am is that there is somebody in distress. THAT is always my first assumption, I project without thinking first.
I have a stun gun on my hand, various other items on me, and my Big Girl with me and I listened for a minute "thinking" this time, or trying to. I didn't hear "help", it wasn't a female (that would have sent over there without thinking period!!), it was a "yo yo" and sounded drunk. Although my mind is full of flashbacks screaming to take over I try my best to THINK, breathe, and decide to walk around the block and if they are still there when I come then decide what I will do.
I come back, they are still there. I am still trying shove the screaming and pictures that are wanting to flood my mind back, so I dig for my phone and call the neighborhood patrol. Nobody on watch, sorry ma'am would you like us to patch you through to the local police department? I don't know. Thoughts that it's always me calling, the one with the Section 8 (though it was reversed I just know it still shows on the medical records), the one who calls about cars wheeling drunkedly on the backyards but can't direct them to where and when nobody else backs it up...no, I'll call my husband, thank you. Thank you for calling ma'am, we appreciate your call.
I don't know what to do, call my gf, at least tell her I don't know what to do, leave a message. I'm losing it as soon as she picks up the phone, 2:30am and she's up. She says can you drive by and see what's going on? What a great idea, she knows me well, I will torture myself with this. What if someone, the cleaning person is being beat up and I could have (SHOULD have! You see it on the news here all the time.) help?? He is usually there this time of day finishing up. I would never forgive myself, ever. :cry: I've lived too many times. She knows me, she has been the only person to come get when all others skipped out. I was unrecognizable by then, another broken nose.
I suck up, I haze out I lost my stun gun somewhere along the line grappling for my mace and getting Big Girl into the car. I decided if they kids are beating each up drunk, let 'em have at, playing around, whatever, none of my business. I just have to make sure for my piece of mind but in a safe way, not to upset my husband or to put myself at risk needlessly, think not react. I drove by, I mean right past them, they were pretty much breaking it up whatever it was and leaving, the cleaning guy's truck wasn't there so I cruised past and went home. I felt so much better and felt good about my decision making, so different from usual especially with the all the flashbacks but the Dissociation bothers me immensely. What happened there, where's my stun gun??? I don't recall that at all :(
I have a stun gun on my hand, various other items on me, and my Big Girl with me and I listened for a minute "thinking" this time, or trying to. I didn't hear "help", it wasn't a female (that would have sent over there without thinking period!!), it was a "yo yo" and sounded drunk. Although my mind is full of flashbacks screaming to take over I try my best to THINK, breathe, and decide to walk around the block and if they are still there when I come then decide what I will do.
I come back, they are still there. I am still trying shove the screaming and pictures that are wanting to flood my mind back, so I dig for my phone and call the neighborhood patrol. Nobody on watch, sorry ma'am would you like us to patch you through to the local police department? I don't know. Thoughts that it's always me calling, the one with the Section 8 (though it was reversed I just know it still shows on the medical records), the one who calls about cars wheeling drunkedly on the backyards but can't direct them to where and when nobody else backs it up...no, I'll call my husband, thank you. Thank you for calling ma'am, we appreciate your call.
I don't know what to do, call my gf, at least tell her I don't know what to do, leave a message. I'm losing it as soon as she picks up the phone, 2:30am and she's up. She says can you drive by and see what's going on? What a great idea, she knows me well, I will torture myself with this. What if someone, the cleaning person is being beat up and I could have (SHOULD have! You see it on the news here all the time.) help?? He is usually there this time of day finishing up. I would never forgive myself, ever. :cry: I've lived too many times. She knows me, she has been the only person to come get when all others skipped out. I was unrecognizable by then, another broken nose.
I suck up, I haze out I lost my stun gun somewhere along the line grappling for my mace and getting Big Girl into the car. I decided if they kids are beating each up drunk, let 'em have at, playing around, whatever, none of my business. I just have to make sure for my piece of mind but in a safe way, not to upset my husband or to put myself at risk needlessly, think not react. I drove by, I mean right past them, they were pretty much breaking it up whatever it was and leaving, the cleaning guy's truck wasn't there so I cruised past and went home. I felt so much better and felt good about my decision making, so different from usual especially with the all the flashbacks but the Dissociation bothers me immensely. What happened there, where's my stun gun??? I don't recall that at all :(
