Stopping Rescuing

[Helliepig]

I have recently started to learn to be on my side and not on everyone else's instead.

I had a friend who pretended to be caring but really was manipulating me into looking after her and providing her entertainment - I was like a trained monkey. When i started trying to take my life back for me she sent me emotional and aggressive messages and bingo, I realised what had been going on.

She now tries to hook into me whenever she sees me, but d'you know what? I'm allowing myself not to respond, to walk away, hallelujah! to even be on the verge of rude because I'm listening to what my body says and she feels BAD. Instead of inanely grinning and trying to sooth other people and hide what I really feel I am putting me first.

Baby steps
Hx

 

[ronin47]

Your situation is a carbon copy of an experience I had during my early adolescent years. I had a "friend" who would tell me all sorts of wonderful and nice things to get me to do whatever she wanted.

Kudos to you for making the decision to cut her off. She's not worth even a second of your time or energy. It's a baby step, but a very big baby step. I've been where you are. If you ever feel the need to talk about it, please PM me.

:tup:

 

[Helliepig]

Thank you Ronin x This whole thing about getting hooked into unhealthy people is really hard for me. Don't quite trust myself to feel when friendship is genuine yet, (and heaven forbid having to chose a partner!!) although the above shows me i am making progress.

I also seem to get into a dynamic with certain groups that replays my scapegoating/bullied past. Happens with meetings at work . This week, something in me ""popped and I allowed myself to feel upset and angry at someone openly. I've felt so put down and as if he opposes me all the time and tries to put himself in the moral high position, my response being to feel resentful upset and confused, and trying harder and harder to be "Ok".
Suddenly during this week's meeting, it occurred to me that I'm not actually "bad" like he tries to imply and it's him that's out of order. I told him I felt he "came back at me when I tried to say things" and that it had been going on for a long time. I was really shaking cos I felt overwhelmed and it was such a big thing to stand up to this person, and part of me was scared I was out of control and being embarassing/paranoid.
I went for a coffee with another partner and tried to tell him how i felt, it came out all jumbled and I started crying and shaking. The first guy came and apologised for upsetting me, I managed to tell him that I work really hard (ie don't deserve this shit) instead of saying "don't worry it's ok" Then I went back to work, ( instead of making a big deal of it, when they would be able to write me off as hormonal/stressed or whatever!)
It reminds me of an article I read about a girl who contacted a perpertrator on facebook, he denied everything and tried to make out it was her issue not his - so she said "we both know what you did and you have to live with that" and blocked him - putting all the confusion and pain etc back onto him and leaving it for him with noone to push it onto. I thought it was great. I guess ( I hope) I did a bit of that with this guy at work.

It's so complex I guess it's not surprising it feels like navigating a minefield.
What a relief it is to be able to talk about this crazy shit with people who understand rather than fearing that people think you're oversensitive and paranoid!!
Roll on clarity and peace!!