Stories from people who have moved forward in some way with forgiveness, particularly toward those who abused them.

[Survivor3]

Forgiveness doesn't have to mean not practicing clear boundaries at all. I just wrote about this content in someone else's thread but I believe it's relevant here also. It took a long time for me to understand Forgiveness and I believe fundamentally its about Forgiving people for our own sake not them.

Holding onto to that anger and pain is very negative and destructive for us. It doesn't just impact us on a psychological and emotional level but on a physical level also. And using that pain to keep ourselves alert and vigilant against similar attacks is just a no no. Its a waste of energy and again very damaging. Our energy should be used to create a new future, not fight the past.

I have moved forward in several ways from my surrogate family and also my dad. I refuse to speak to my surrogate family and they hurt an humiliated me publicly. I could have done the same as them but I refuse to turn into the people I hate. That makes me no better than them. I don't even say "I hate them". I say "I don't like them". Because it holds far less passion/hate/vitriol. I'll leave them to their own f*cked up lives whilst I control my own life and seek happiness.

My dad is a different matter because not seeing him on certain occasions means not seeing my brothers family. Without fail he upset me alot last Christmas so I have to decide to accept his permanent delusion or cut myself off completely. tricky. I mean I don't like or respect him but can I forgive someone that's insane....?? Yeah I think I can.

I now live a "largely" happy existence due to my efforts and forgiveness. I did it for myself. I now study Buddhism and there's a proverb (if that's the right term) about the 2 darts. Someone does something that really hurts us and we say "God damn, that really hurt" so we pick up ourself a second dart and stab ourselves with it..."yes that was terrible it really made me hurt, look look how much pain I'm in"!! It's not worth it.

And I don't think forgiveness has to mean you would have anything to do with these people again or be nice in any way. It just means letting go of it. Live your life and be happy.

 

[user27357]

foregive and forget is a backwards statement in my opinion. I cannot forgive truly through any other route than to forget. If you harmed me and I am still around you I remember the same way I remember getting burned by a hot stove as a toddler, it's a part of my brain I am glad I have this memory of things that hurt me and the lessons learned. But if I was never around stoves or people that have harmed me I would eventually forget I guess. If I don't remember the harm you caused me, well I guess you are forgiven. lets not ever remember, all good?

 

[Rose White]

I have no desire to interact with people who find it acceptable to hurt me, who cannot take responsibility for their behavior, who have no interest or understanding in restorative processes.

This is really important and powerful.

There's utility in anger.

Yes. I think grunge music (among other genres) emphasizes this. It’s like a hope for escape

Chronic pain, though, has no utility.

Right

But the nerves keep firing, even though that pain doesn't serve a purpose anymore.

And research is showing that chronic pain is processed in a whole different part of the brain, more related to emotions than to physical acute pain

chronic anger is much the same

Good analogy.

He is kind of in my life. It’s true. Just last night I was walking my dog and I saw someone with a flashlight coming toward me and I ducked down an alley in case it was him. I do that kind of shit all the time. I won’t wait to see if it’s him.

Anyway… good post, good points

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I now study Buddhism and there's a proverb (if that's the right term) about the 2 darts. Someone does something that really hurts us and we say "God damn, that really hurt" so we pick up ourself a second dart and stab ourselves with it..."yes that was terrible it really made me hurt, look look how much pain I'm in"!! It's not worth it.

Thank you - amazing analogy or proverb.

I make an absolute distinction between forgiveness and absolution, which is quite different from what I learned growing up Catholic, where it is considered the same thing. I absolutely will not absolve my abuser for abusing me. It's a choice that they can never undo, and I cannot forget it (nor would I want to).

So powerful.

Reminded me of - a proverb from Zimbabwe -
" The axe- forgets .The tree remembers ".

There is such a reverence to this .
I can relate.

 

[Rose White]

that pain doesn't serve a purpose anymore. Likewise, chronic anger is much the same.

Thinking about this still. Short term pain almost has a sweetness to it—the endorphins, the adrenaline, the healing, the release, the story. It can shock a person out of their mundane existence and offer an opportunity to be ever more present.

Long term pain can be frightening, exhausting, depressing, and humiliating. It can present reasons to fall into addiction and other negative coping mechanisms.

Short term anger can feel invigorating. Long term anger can feel imprisoning.

if your abuser is still in your life, then you are being continuously wounded.

I keep bumping up against this one. One voice says, “He’s NOT in your life anymore. He’s not. Not like he used to be. He’s gone, for all intents and purposes.”

Other voice, “(words muted and blocked by some protector)”

 

[Weemie]

I pity them, but I'm no longer controlled by them.

I also think it might be relevant to understand forgiveness with the added complexity of pity vs sympathy vs empathy. I use the term pity here very specifically, as in the real definition of the term, which implies a sense of judgment as well: I judge them for being abusive, I regret that they are composed in such a way that makes abusive behavior a viable action for them, and I am disappointed in them.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages

Pity: a cause for regret or disappointment.
Sympathy: an expression of understanding for someone else's suffering.
Empathy: the ability to take on another's perspective.

Whereas sympathy is your outward expression of pity and/or empathy, and empathy is your internal mirror of the person's emotions/perspective. Pity is my response to empathy, for them. I have empathy for them because I have abused others in the past and I am likewise composed in such a way as to make abusive actions viable -- but I pity them, instead of sympathize with them.

Because sympathy would require interacting with them and I have no desire to do this, and because my response is tinged with a certain degree of judgment due to the differences in our reactions to similar circumstances: I did not go on to rape children as an adult. I did not go on to force children to harm one another as an adult. I did not go on to traffic human beings as an adult.

All of this to me seems perfectly compatible with forgiving them. I don't absolve them of responsibility for their behavior, nor would I be "fine" interacting with them in the future. I still judge their behavior to be wrong. The distinction, then, lies in my ability to remove the rage, anger, frustration, cries for justice, etc. from my everyday life. Since 1) they wouldn't care anyway. and 2) justice is not going to happen, for me.

Obsessing about it and seething in resentment offers me no benefits, so I instead focus on my own peace. But again, the only way that I could actually successfully accomplish this is by knowing that I am safe from them, which you rightfully have conflict with since your father is still peripherally a factor of your life. Your students talk about him, you see him sometimes, etc.

If I had to see F, J, K, etc on a daily basis as an adult I am sure I wouldn't be nearly as sanguine about it since it would feel genuinely unsafe to "let it go," I would feel an inability to do so for worry of dropping my guard. For you I might encourage you to instead try to focus on whether or not you actually are safe from him as a grown-up and start building on that. You can defend yourself. You can set boundaries with your students and with him. You can even get a restraining order or something.

Once you can insulate yourself from his effect on your current circumstances, then looking at forgiveness will be more intuitive, I think.

" The axe- forgets .The tree remembers ".

Addendum: this is one of my fave quotes. I had it on my profile a while back.

 

[Rose White]

Great points about pity—really insightful!

I might encourage you to instead try to focus on whether or not you actually are safe from him as a grown-up and start building on that.

Well I don’t see him every day. It averages about once a season. But also I *know* that he lives one city block away.

And yeah, definitely safe from him. Every time he’s been close to me (walking by me really close) I’ve frozen and/or fled. And then later I’ve said, “I could have stabbed him/shouted at him/shot him/punched him and I hope he gets that close again so I can.”

Then I let go. So fantasies about injuring him are helpful for coping with his presence during the after time.

FWIW, he has never looked at me, but also, whenever he gets close I avert my gaze and get away if I can. Which is why there are sometimes apparitions of him because someone looks/sounds/smells similar enough that my mind has decided that it’s close enough and we are going to escape now if we can.

Am realizing that hyper vigilance *is* doing something that blocks a sense of forgiveness (for my own sake)—and that sentence is a new thought for me and I am still not solid on meaning of forgiveness.

Maybe forgiveness is just a Christian word for “trust me again little one” . Like how some people have to forgive God. That’s kind of a weird thing to say.

Heroes and gods on my mind this morning. Wonder what that has to do with the f-word (the one we’re talking about).

Well I’ve tied myself up. In logic and ponderings. In an attempt to shift the focus and distract.

Sometimes I think the forgiveness will just come like a ripe fruit. The knots of resentment and anger and bitterness might slough away with enough luck and/or hard work.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

n my profile a while back

Hi @Weemie no idea you had that on your profile.
Almost cathartic experience to think two random forum dwellers - lean towards the same quote.

Also- just a plug -for my thread - haha - try having look at a thread I started- I forgive myself for.... I often ponder and dissect the forgiveness paradigm too.