Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

I ought not be writing now. It has been a tough day. Was supposed to go to work. Got up at 5, showered, dressed, wrote in journal, checked out forum, etc. All good. Then flashbacky kind of thing. Baby energy stuff. Familiar and awful. Took over before I could fight it. My husband was home actually. Asked if I was okay. Hugged me. No. Yes. Fine. I'm fine. Shaking, curled in fetal position. Fine. Tried all the strategies. Too late. Slept for around 3 hours maybe a little less...doesn't matter. Too late to go to work. The straw that broke the proverbial camel's back was getting under the covers to get warm. I had to do that because I was cold to the bone. Then I felt safe and went to sleep. No work. Haven't even contacted them. Too ashamed. Didn't do what needed to be done. System crashing. I'm letting it. My fault. Not good.

Woke in time to go to therapist. Then the nasty voices..."Oh, so you can get up to go to therapy but not to work, eh? You lazy runt." Part of me knows what's wrong with me and part of me doesn't. I am in a purgatory of chaos. Therapist asked, "How are you doing?" I hate that question. Oh, okay, I'm fine. FINE. I see visions of parts exploding with horrible things, other parts screaming. All the time. My body shakes and jolts and contorts. I'm freezing. My breathing is weird. I see visions of mystical things that freak me out. Parts of me say I'm completely nuts. I'm making it all up. I'm a lazy runt faker. Get it together. Do what has to get done. You made your bed, now sleep in it. They torment me. I know it is me doing it to me, but I can't seem to stop it. Other parts of me are paralyzed with horror and terror and cannot understand why I cannot help them. It is like watching a horror movie but it's real, but nobody knows it's real except for me. Living a nightmare.

Wanted to work on releasing muck with therapist today. A child part who feels like she will die and is flooding me regularly with her horror. No good. He says if we do it now it won't last...I'm supposed to be there for my child part in SELF more. So, here we go again. All my fault. I can't get better because it is my fault. He doesn't say that...he says it's parts. But those f-ing parts are powerful and I cannot seem to get them to give me space. I feel like I've trapped myself in a prison of my own making...a replica of the ones my parents trapped me in.

But I go on. Do the stuff. I'm going up to say goodnight to my daughter. I can do it. I just don't want to live like this any more.

@shimmerz posted about Stockholm Syndrome. I know the research. But I think there's something more about kids who are trapped in family. And worse...not that they just bond with their abusers, but that they take in their abusers' energy and use it against themselves. I am f-ing 51 years old. Father is dead 7 years now. Mother fading fast. It doesn't matter. They've invaded me. Violated me. I'm doing it all to myself now.

I am getting help with therapy. I am getting help with yoga therapist who understands subtle bodies/energy. But I can't seem to break through. Total crisis on the inside. Outside, all semi-okay. Except work. Inside...shit. I don't know what to do. Exiles are ready to cut things out of their bodies. I'm freaked because that's fine metaphorically but not fine in real life. Hard to know what real life is. I do not want to cut out my middle. Or my arms and legs. Or anything. But they do. Scares me that I will lose control. And the only control I have is my nasty inner critic type, and my caretakers who are freaked that I will not be able to take care of the people I love. So those parts shut down the exile parts' pain and fear. But to heal, I'm supposed to be in SELF with the exiles. But they hijack me regularly.

I have no idea if my therapist knows how bad it is for me. How the flashbacks come multiple times a day. What happens at night.

The only way I am surviving is because I have pretty powerful ANPs/protectors/managers. But in order to heal I need them to step aside. But if they step aside, I don't know what will happen.

 

[shimmerz]

The only way I am surviving is because I have pretty powerful ANPs/protectors/managers. But in order to heal I need them to step aside.

Nope......here is how I see it. ANP's can stay in place Hope.

I envision the ANP receiving the EP's......when the EP's come out the ANP is still there.

You aren't replacing your ANP, it stays....you are building your SELF.....there isn't a loss hon....
I will be waiting to here for you....You are not alone

 

[Hope4Now]

I am fine today. Sorry to have freaked people out last night. I went back and read what I wrote. I was right, I should not have been posting. If I had been someone else reading what I wrote, I would have been seriously worried. Not much of what I said is new, really. Just came on intensely last night and had some freaked out parts venting. I am functional today. Thank all of you who reached out! It means more than I could ever put words to to know that I am not alone in all this mess. Please reach out to me when you would like support. I would like to be there for you just as you have for me. Really truly! @shimmerz, @sun seeker

 

[sun seeker]

It's good to ask for support Hope, don't let anyone tell you different. I think it's worth having a plan for when things get as intense as this, because it sure is hard to think when you're in the thick of it. I have a list of things to do in a crisis, but even so it can be hard to remember to look at the list!

 

[shimmerz]

should not have been posting.

No, actually, I am glad that you did. I think it is part of the process, parts knowing that they have an external grounding point (potentially).

I would like to be there for you just as you have for me

You are. Very very often. :):hug:

 

[Pietro]

Deep slow conscious breathing in itself can trigger the autonomic nervous system (ANS) to switch from sympathetic (SNS) 'fight or flight' mode into parasympathetic (PN) 'rest and digest' mode.

Have had some experiences, recently, where consciously going into a deep-breathing mode suddenly causes a flood of emotional expression. I can't directly corroborate what you describe physically, but it does feel like there's a "switch" from one mode to another. I was amazed when this occurred.

But in order to heal I need them to step aside. But if they step aside, I don't know what will happen.

I have a theory, based on some of my experience. Your therapist may have told you otherwise, or you may already know all of this -- if so, nevermind. ;)

With my "protectors", I've taken the approach that they can't, or even shouldn't, be considered barriers to healing. These parts are, themselves, borne of trauma, and, if the trauma occurred during infancy/childhood, these parts are also very much children in their maturity level. Thus, they are often scared, confused, etc., in many of the same ways that the blocked parts are. Some protector parts even decide to identify with the abuser(s) -- a childish determination that doing so can help guarantee survival.

To deal with these parts, I've treated them like scared, angry, misled children. I let them vent, but, now, instead of just agreeing with them, I first validate them and their feelings, and either acknowledge their complaints or attempt to counter them if their views are fallacious. I tried just getting them to step aside, at one point, but that wasn't working. Essentially, the approach has become winning-over the "bouncers" first, so they will let you into the "club". :)

I'm not always successful at being objective like this. Sometimes they still convince me to their negative point of view and I let them, either because I don't catch it or because I just don't want to, because I'm tired of fighting, etc. But, over time, it gets easier to do.

I think a lot of this is contingent upon the intensity of the "protector" parts. Over time, mine have become more manageable, but, from talking to so many folks here and elsewhere, I know that many folks have "protector" parts that are incredibly powerful and can't be easily managed.

As for the ANP, she definitely does not need to step aside. According to my therapist, much the opposite. This part, which is essentially your "adult", is the part that all of your child parts are relying on to take care of them, to protect them if things get bad when memories are revealed and emotions released. Your "adult" has to do for them what your own parents never did -- make it safe for them to express their fears, give them hope, a reason to see beyond their past, and present experiences that convince them that things really have changed, that the dangers of the past are no longer present. And, by doing this, you are simultaneously proving to the "protectors" that they can begin to stand-down, loosen control, handing more of it over to you, which, consequently, facilitates integration.

I just wish the whole process moved a lot damned faster. ;)

 

[shimmerz]

I just wish the whole process moved a lot damned faster.

It can't, imho, because this would lead to a huge range of problems in and of itself. If it moves too quickly, I think we would lose ourselves completely. I feel like there is a purpose behind the time it takes. For us to cognitively 'keep up'. So we can ease in while we are integrating.

As for the ANP, she definitely does not need to step aside. According to my therapist, much the opposite. This part, which is essentially your "adult", is the part that all of your child parts are relying on to take care of them, to protect them if things get bad when memories are revealed and emotions released.

So agree with this. It feels to me like the integration means to 'grow' up the EP's by bringing them into the ANP. The ANP doesn't understand the childishness of the EP and the ANP is a threat to the EP's. It is like they speak a different language and the idea is to teach the ANP's and EP's to speak the same language and play nicely in the sandbox together instead of being threatened by each other. Acceptance and faith that with due diligence and faith, this process will ultimately lead to integration.

 

[Pietro]

If it moves too quickly, I think we would lose ourselves completely. I feel like there is a purpose behind the time it takes. For us to cognitively 'keep up'. So we can ease in while we are integrating.

I know you're right. :) In fact, during my therapy appointment this evening, my therapist highlighted the importance of providing a foundation for being able to handle trauma revelation -- coping skills, ability to manage EP "outbursts", ego strengthening, etc. -- all of which takes time itself. Also, neurological development is a slow process in general.

The sad thing, though, is that we lose so much of our lives to the effects of the trauma, and then we lose so much more trying to recover from it.

It is like they speak a different language and the idea is to teach the ANP's and EP's to speak the same language and play nicely in the sandbox together instead of being threatened by each other. Acceptance and faith that with due diligence and faith, this process will ultimately lead to integration.

Interesting that you mention this. I read, recently, in a link posted by @Eleanor about Structural Dissociation, that the various "parts" tend to be very phobic of one another, and that it takes time and nurturing in order to get them to trust one another -- especially for the EP's to trust the ANP. My therapist has suggested that the EP's often feel abandoned by the ANP, and that one of the first recovery building blocks is to re-establish that trust, which is done in part by strengthening the ANP, helping it become capable of being "in charge" and managing the "children".

Much of this perspective has proven accurate for me. I still find it a little disconcerting that I can talk to myself, and get something like answers back. ;) But I'm also so used to it now, I don't even think about it much anymore.

 

[shimmerz]

is that we lose so much of our lives to the effects of the trauma, and then we lose so much more trying to recover from it.

Yes. *heavy sigh* Just yes.

But I'm also so used to it now, I don't even think about it much anymore.

lol. So true, isn't it? 'Now little angry EP, go see our ANP...she loves you, you know.' lol.

Hey Hope! Where you at?????

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi! I had no clue that anybody wrote in my diary. The alerts don't work very well for trauma diaries. Sorry I didn't respond until now.

Some protector parts even decide to identify with the abuser(s) -- a childish determination that doing so can help guarantee survival.

Yep. I have a pretty powerful one of those. The toughest of all to deal with.

To deal with these parts, I've treated them like scared, angry, misled children. I let them vent, but, now, instead of just agreeing with them, I first validate them and their feelings, and either acknowledge their complaints or attempt to counter them if their views are fallacious. I tried just getting them to step aside, at one point, but that wasn't working. Essentially, the approach has become winning-over the "bouncers" first, so they will let you into the "club".

This is interesting. I've not dealt with protector parts as children. Although I spent a ridiculous number of hours "updating" them that I am an adult (I was supposed to show them my house, my car, my work stuff, etc.). Didn't seem to make much difference. I think my protector parts grew with me...so now am trying to deal with them respectfully as adults. It sounds as if you've had more success than I with dealing with them. I've had to work on getting them to agree to "step aside" into some sort of container where they can watch while I am with exiled parts and learn to trust that I will not be destroyed by the overwhelm of the exiles. Sometimes this works when I am with my therapist (two or three of them have regular "places" to go in each of his two offices). Ultimately what you say at the end is, I think, true. The protectors have to agree to let the SELF get to the exiled parts.

As for the ANP, she definitely does not need to step aside. According to my therapist, much the opposite. This part, which is essentially your "adult", is the part that all of your child parts are relying on to take care of them, to protect them if things get bad when memories are revealed and emotions released. Your "adult" has to do for them what your own parents never did -- make it safe for them to express their fears, give them hope, a reason to see beyond their past, and present experiences that convince them that things really have changed, that the dangers of the past are no longer present. And, by doing this, you are simultaneously proving to the "protectors" that they can begin to stand-down, loosen control, handing more of it over to you, which, consequently, facilitates integration.

NOW THIS IS INTERESTING. Also speaks to @shimmerz comment above. What your therapist says is different from mine/my understanding/my experience. But perhaps it is just a matter of vocabulary. Maybe I have misunderstood. Maybe what your therapist calls ANP, mine calls SELF. What I understand to be my ANP(s)...I think I have more than one, or just one really complicated one, or just EPs masquerading as ANPs...but all of mine are absolutely convinced that they ARE me. They are very, very different from my exiles/child parts. They are helpful in some ways, but most definitely are NOT SELF energy. They drive me to do good things on the outside, but they're fueled by fear and shame and anxiety and confusion and doubt. Most of my ANP(s) would prefer that I annihilate my child parts, or at least keep them relegated to a dark dungeon, so they can get things done according to expectations in the world. That means meeting others' needs, working, etc.. They are unwilling and unable (horrified by the idea actually) to be parents to my child parts.

My mind is kind of bending with all this. Thanks for the conversation! I need it. My parts are at war. (As usual, since I've become aware of them :wideeyed:). I told Mr. Famous Psychiatrist today that I get it...I understand the neuroscience...the armies of neuronal networks in my amygdala and my prefrontal cortex are engaged in a guerilla war of attrition. There's so much friggin' noise in there that it is very hard to find my self. He asked today how my parts felt about starting a new med. I said, "Which ones?" and he kind of looked at me funny. I knew he meant "all of them." That's when I told him about the war. And it isn't just a war with two sides. There are like a dozen going on.

My t explained to me that my system is shifting. There's a rebellion against the repressive dictatorship and all the parts are like, "WTF is going on?" as my SELF is attempting to instill some sort of democracy. That about sums it up. And it's going about as well as these things do in the real world. Not.

I want to hear more from you @Pietro and you @shimmerz about this ANP thing. Is your ANP nice to you?

 

[Hope4Now]

Started low-dose seroquel. I have slept through the night for two nights. What a relief. Hasn't happened for a year and a half. It is giving me just enough energy to get through the inner and outer crises that keep slamming me.

I have to decide today whether to take my 86 yo mother to the ER for her failing heart or to keep her where she is and treat with meds only. The cardiologist says it is up to me. She could have a heart attack at any moment. SHE insisted on going to the dentist today to fix her tooth...and called my husband to take her. I cannot control the woman. She will do whatever she wants. She always has. So I suppose I will just let HER make the decision about what to do about her heart...even though I know she doesn't really understand the implications. POAs and health care proxies don't cover this murky ethical area of decision-making...people who are impulsive and lack comprehension and have mild dementia, but who insist on making decisions for themselves. UGH.

My daughter is having migraines. Screaming last night with the pain. Got meds to try with her today.

I am battling suicidal thoughts...go from feeling totally unsafe with myself, to feeling just fine thank you. I am at work right now. I have now told my physician, my psychiatrist, and my therapist that things are really bad inside. It took a lot for me to say that. I have very powerful parts that prevent me from describing my inner life. I managed to cough out an SOS to my therapist yesterday. Obviously, though, I'm not really in a crisis because none of these providers seem particularly worried about me. So, I went to bed when I got home. Got up and came to work today. I wish I could turn myself inside out so these people could help me make sense of what is going on with me. Why I can appear so normal on the outside but be in complete CRISIS on the inside. It is a horrible feeling...like I'm caught in the crossfire. But I just keep going. I feel like Dory in the movie Finding Nemo...just keep swimming swimming swimming and hoping the big shark goes away.

My family was totally unmedicated until recently...now we have adderal, imitrex, prozac, seroquel, etc. UGH. UGH and YAY at the same time.

 

[Eleanor]

Obviously, though, I'm not really in a crisis because none of these providers seem particularly worried about me.

This is sarcasm, right?

I'm sorry you are suffering so. ((((((Hope)))))))

On the mom front - is there any way you could get her a DNR bracelet or necklace or something? (I know a doc who has a tattoo.) I'd say don't go to the hospital if you can avoid it. Dying in a hospital hooked up sucks. IMO.