Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

@Eleanor, sad to say she does not have a dnr order. She is still in charge of her medical decisions... She does not want to sign one.

And, no, I was not being sarcastic. I am fine today. Mostly whole day. Have been at work...still am. About to leave for home, so we'll see what happens. That transition doesn't always go well.

I'm with you on the hospital thing. I am not inclined to hospitalize her. We will see what her brother says.

 

[Eleanor]

I always look ok. I always act ok. If I had a 104 temp, I'd look fine. I'd act fine. I have acted fine. It was hard to tell when I was in labor. I have a high pain tolerance. So... just because the professionals aren't worried doesn't mean you are not in crisis, particularly if you haven't given them all the facts, but you have and they don't seem that worried and... that is ok provided it is reassuring to you. If it helps you to keep functioning and doing things that give you satisfaction then all is as it should be. But if you really really need help and aren't getting it... that is a different story.

That said, I also think there is a lot of value for you in going to work and having a fine day there. At some level the pain is just pain and must be felt to be processed and got behind you. I'm hoping that happens really soon.

 

[Hope4Now]

So... just because the professionals aren't worried doesn't mean you are not in crisis, particularly if you haven't given them all the facts, but you have and they don't seem that worried and... that is ok provided it is reassuring to you.

I don't know. I truly don't know what crisis or emergency is when it comes to me. I can either keep moving or I can't. I don't get what's happening to me really. I think I'm just stuck in a limbo between parts. I'm in "crisis" when I'm in certain parts, and not when I'm not. It is so weird.

I always look okay too. In fact, since my meltdown all anyone ever says is how great I look...lost 25 pounds, wear makeup, dress better. So weird.

My Mr. famous psychiatrist says I seem to be behaving backwards from what he would expect...I guess I do everything backwards...I look my best when I'm at my worst; I was an adult as a child, and now I'm a child as an adult. My meltdown started almost two years before the memories came. I truly am an alien.

Work is not fine. It's just all I know I should do and I'm just trying to do something.

I see my t tomorrow although am considering stopping for s bit. Not really sure what good it's all doing.

 

[Hope4Now]

Having a betterish day today. A bit calmer. Still scrambled but more resigned than agitated. It doesn't feel like acceptance. It doesn't feel like depression. It doesn't feel like much of anything at all actually. Which is not good either, I suppose. I wrote in my journal last night that I'm feeling sort of half-dead. It's a bit like two summers ago when I went on cymbalta (except then I felt all dead inside). I seem to be swinging from total inner chaos/pandemonium to total deadness. Not sure what's going on. Just exhausted maybe. This week's inner and outer crises have taken a lot out of me. So what do I do? Go to work. I don't know what else to do. When I'm dead on the inside, I seem to be most functional on the outside. Yet another bit of backwardness in me.

I am not very good at taking leadership of myself, I guess. I truly do not know what to do in any given moment. I just kind of pick randomly and go for it. But the curse of this mindfulness practice is that I am now often aware that the choices seem random because it's only one part choosing. So no decision is ever going to be good enough, no matter what, until I can somehow manage to communicate with all my parts and get them working together so they're not abusing and sabotaging each other. I get this intellectually. What a mess. Curse of consciousness. But I suppose this is part of the healing process. The trick is actually doing it.

It feels awful inside. I get so tired of all the inner warring that it just wears me down and I just choose something randomly. Like going to work. Good choice? Yes for one part, no for lots of others. So then I pay the price later. This happened yesterday. I had a pretty productive day at work. Came home and dyed eggs with daughter, ate dinner with family, hung out with husband, surfed forum, etc.. Totally normal day on the outside. Totally wrong inside. When I went to bed and started to come down a little bit, I ended up in a body flashback that went on and on and on and on (for so long that my poor husband actually fell asleep in the middle of it).

I hate these body flashbacks that have me twisting all around in limbs and torso, gagging, coughing, curling up, going rigid etc. Last night more sound got added...I was making sounds. Totally weird. It was scary actually. Like I was watching myself from half-inside/half-outside of my body even though I know I was in my body. This observer me seemed convinced that I could stop all this movement if I wanted to, but I couldn't. Or somehow chose not to. Sometimes I can. I was able to stop the sounds coming out last night. I didn't want my husband to hear. And I was able to mute some of the intensity of the movement, because I didn't want to hurt him. There is control in there, so it isn't technically a flashback I guess. I don't know what it is. Something in me tells me to let it come, though. That my body is showing me what my mind doesn't want to process. So I have this observer part. It watches my inner experience and my outer experience...not all the time, but when I am attempting to be mindful. But it isn't self energy. It doesn't have any feeling at all. It is just awareness.

I will keep going to therapy. I really care deeply for my therapist and think he does a really good job even though I am forever doubting him. He's kind of my lifeline at the moment...I'm trying to take my cues from him...calm, quiet, kind, compassionate, etc. Trying to learn to treat myself the way he treats me. It is mind-bogglingly difficult.

Sometimes I think I've got it, then it all goes away. I said to my t today that it's sort of like those puzzle squares, the ones that have the complicated designs...there are only six squares to fit together so it looks deceptively easy. Except they're nearly impossible (I've never been able to do one). Every time I think I've "got it," there's one or two pieces left that don't work and I have to start all over again.

I need to make a decision about taking disability from work. My boss said he's willing to be fluid for two weeks while I see if this new med I am on works. I don't know what the right thing to do about work is. If I take time off, my family suffers (we are already deep in debt). If I don't take time off, I suffer. It's the same old story of my life. Not such a different story than many people's. When I am stuck between untenable situations, and no choice seems right, I just forge ahead until I crash. Except that I rarely crash--my system is so hyper that even when I've crashed on the inside (which I mostly have now), the outside keeps going. That's why I'm afraid I'm going to die if I don't take time to rest...that I will just drive myself until I die. Because there is some part of me that I don't understand that thinks I deserve to die.

Try explaining all that to a therapist. I did try on Wednesday. I don't know how successfully, but I did sort of feel better after. Like I just kind of gave up. That's where the dead part comes from I think. I don't know what it was I have been trying to get from these tortured attempts to let people in on my inner world. I did it with my doctor, with the psychiatrist, and finally, on Wednesday with my therapist. Parts of me that always keep me silent somehow allowed me to speak up a little about how worried I am about myself and how I don't know what to do and that things are very very bad on the inside.

I almost asked today, "How do you know when you're in a crisis?" I kind of wish I had.

But, I'll just keep chugging along for now. Try to be nicer to myself. Try to stop overthinking everything and just let myself rest, let the verbal/analytical part give me some space (that's what my t recommends...I cannot do this...it is simply the way my brain is wired).

I'm rambling now. I will stop. I don't even know who I'm writing to. Hello invisible audience! I suppose I could tag my friends, but I don't know that I want to harass them with all this mess right now.

 

[sun seeker]

Hello invisible audience!

Hello!

I think it's important to write for yourself, first and foremost. For all your parts, perhaps?

But I'm here. I'm listening.

 

[shimmerz]

Hope, I saw this the other day and wanted to answer it when I was clearer and had thought about it. These are all really good questions. I am so very sorry you are struggling so. I will keep coming back as I find things that I can address in a coherent fashion. :sorry: My brain is on strike these days. :sour:

What I understand to be my ANP(s)...I think I have more than one, or just one really complicated one, or just EPs masquerading as ANPs...but all of mine are absolutely convinced that they ARE me.

I am thinking that our pasts and when the splits happened have a lot to do with why each of our experiences feel different during integration. I can understand how this is difficult for you when there is no 'anchoring' place that you feel you can go to. I wonder if the fact that you have a sense of more than one ANP makes this different for you. It would make sense I think. Let me know your thoughts if you have time.

See, for me, my ANP has been pretty solid. My meltdown was instantaneous and complete. I think it was pretty solidly rooted. I remember T doc asking me which 'one of me' felt stronger, the PTSD or the other sense of self I had. I absolutely felt that the prior to PTSD self was 'me'. I think, for me, that I am building my 'integrated' self from my ANP which is attempting to round up my EP's. It took a ton of prodding my ANP to accept the EP's though. I have to say, the biggest thing - the catalyst with that for me was when I started to practice H'oponopono. Sounds hoakie but here me out.

I do believe my ANP was my largest inner critic. I believe my inner critic (which was incredibly conflicted), was using that inner criticism to protect me from my EP's and my EP's were the conflicting voices. Don't know if that makes any sense at all to you. For instance, my angry EP would rag on me about caring about my adult children, who were not treating me very well. My ANP, who loves my children unquestionably, would fight with my angry ANP. Conflict. Always conflict. Exhausting.

So I find H'oponopono and I start repeating the mantra every time my inner critic starts up. I work at it and work at it. It actually only took a couple of days to get into the habit. Now whenever the inner critic comes up the mantra comes up automatically. What I didn't realize was that (this is just my experience), as I broke down the critics, there was more acceptance in the 'system' for the 'system'. Walls started to break down and it culminated with a huge outpouring in my diary last week. I couldn't believe how clear I was. I am not certain how long ago I did the H'oponopono but there is a posting out there for it.

They say acceptance must come from within right?

but that they take in their abusers' energy and use it against themselves.

I wonder if reading about Bateson's double blind will help you at all. It is directed mainly for schizophrenia, but I do believe we can talk about DID and SD here too so have pulled some articles that relate specifically to trauma with the double bind theory. It speaks to the fact that we were put into stupidly conflicting situations when we were young and developing that we simply could not escape from. It warps our sense of reality and we carry that reality as our own -- until we understand the pattern cognitively. Perhaps you have a few double binds going on with your EP's and ANP(s). This may be why your integration may feel so chaotic.

http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/...ents-put-kids-in-a-psychological-double-bind/
http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/step-away-from-double-binds.html

I hope you find this useful.

about this ANP thing. Is your ANP nice to you?

Yes. If I am making 6 figures. If I am responsible for everyone in my life. If I refuse to acknowledge that something is too much for me. If I refuse to take naps. If I work like a dog. If I, in those rare moments that I have a few moments to myself, I challenge myself to get just 5 more things on my list done. :rolleyes::confused:

Hugs Hope. I hope it is helpful to you in some way.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wonder if the fact that you have a sense of more than one ANP makes this different for you. It would make sense I think. Let me know your thoughts if you have time.

I do have the sense of more than one ANP. The ANPs that have "run my life" are two: a very toxic inner critic that rules my internal world, and a very complex caretaker type that rules my external world. Both of these are mediated by my Thinker...the intellectual part of me, and the Observer...a sort of greek chorus that watches over everything and allows me (since I've become aware) to "see" all my parts. It is all so grossly complex. My therapist said one time that my system is Byzantine. Then he apologized and said that was a judgmental comment. But I didn't mind. I think he's right, actuallyhin.

I had a sort of "come-to" moment tonight. I read someone's post about their narcissistic mother and I posted a link to a website I read sometime last year that helped me begin to reframe some things. I hadn't read it since then, but I went back to it today and re-read the part about engulfing mothers. That's mine. It talked about people who experienced this having to construct a sense of self. That's what I feel like I'm trying to do. There is a self in there...down deep, hidden away, and deeply deeply wounded. I saw her in a terrifying vision last fall. I think I am beginning to understand her. My therapist thinks she is an "exile." A deeply wounded PART. I think she is my SELF. My exiled children parts keep leading me back to her. I know this all sounds monumentally insane. If someone had told me the story of what I've experienced, I'd think they were completely nuts. But...it's all actually happened...visions and all. Sigh.

I absolutely felt that the prior to PTSD self was 'me'. I think, for me, that I am building my 'integrated' self from my ANP which is attempting to round up my EP's.

I thought this too...before the meltdown. That my former self was my SELF. I thought this until a couple of months ago when I actually accessed something totally different which I think is my real SELF energy. For me, my former "self" (which sounds a lot like people's ANP), thought and still thinks it is myself. But it is not. It is a combination of two managers/protectors--an internal one and an external one. My internal self-hating self, and my external give everything to others self. These ANPs terrify the EPs (exiles). I cannot build an integrated self from them. That is why I am struggling so much...why I feel I don't have an "anchor" as you say.

H'oponopono. Sounds hoakie

No it doesn't. Was that you who posted that? I wrote it down on a post-it that lives on my computer. I have been working on that one. I like it a lot.

I believe my inner critic (which was incredibly conflicted), was using that inner criticism to protect me from my EP's and my EP's were the conflicting voices.

Yes, I have this too as I said above. My inner critic does not like it's job, but it is very strong and very good at protecting me from the EPs pain.

What I didn't realize was that (this is just my experience), as I broke down the critics, there was more acceptance in the 'system' for the 'system'. Walls started to break down and it culminated with a huge outpouring in my diary last week. I couldn't believe how clear I was.

Yes, I am so glad that happened for you! As my inner critic part has given me some space, I too am beginning to be able to see and accept the system...in my rare moments of SELF. Today was one of them...almost five hours of SELF! Wow. Cool. Then I crashed for 3 hours. Yikes. Then ANPs got up and made sushi nori for kids' dinner.

It warps our sense of reality and we carry that reality as our own -- until we understand the pattern cognitively. Perhaps you have a few double binds going on with your EP's and ANP(s). This may be why your integration may feel so chaotic.

I am going to read this. It is too late now and I am tired and overwhelmed. But I'm sure it will be valuable. Everything you post is valuable.

Yes. If I am making 6 figures. If I am responsible for everyone in my life. If I refuse to acknowledge that something is too much for me. If I refuse to take naps. If I work like a dog. If I, in those rare moments that I have a few moments to myself, I challenge myself to get just 5 more things on my list done. :rolleyes::confused:

So is this really your SELF? It sounds like my inner critic part. That's what's confusing me about these different constructs. In IFS therapy, the self is these things: So, the eight Cs of self-leadership include: calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. This is different from ANP you describe. I have two ANPs I think that are (in combination) like yours: one is the toxic critic, the other is the caretaker. They ARE ME...or so I thought until the great meltdown and trauma therapy. Now I know there is a SELF energy underneath them. It IS NICE, ALWAYS...when I can access it. I want to live in that energy. It's more like the buddha self than what most people talk about as ANPs. I suppose it makes the jump into the more spiritual realm...something most people don't really want to talk about. Maybe it's not practical...maybe that's why people's post on your thread about the gentle life upset me...that people don't think this possibility for living exists. I do. And I am working, probably far too hard, to get there.

Hugs Hope. I hope it is helpful to you in some way.

Thank you for the hugs. I really do need a LOT of LONG hugs. So healing for me, when they come from good people. Yes, what you write is ALWAYS helpful. Thank you.

 

[shimmerz]

So is this really your SELF? It sounds like my inner critic part. That's what's confusing me about these different constructs.

For me, yes, I believe so. Or at least that is the 'construct' that felt right to me. When I realized how loud my inner critic was I knew it had to die. So yes perhaps we could call it a 'part', but one that was out all of the time. Constantly monitoring, protecting (if you want to call it that) in its own way. "You don't actually believe that happened to you, do you?" "You're an idiot because you can't work" "You were only worthwhile when you were independent." "Nobody likes you" "EPs? You are a f*ing nutbar!" All these things got in the way.

The H'oponopono was super helpful to me (and yes, I posted it - it was a grand flop as far as a posting went unfortunately) because it forced that 'part' to step down.

Hope, you are super involved with your mother right now. I have started to read your diary so that I can understand better what has happened with you. I haven't gotten the pieces together with your story yet. But let's pretend she was a narc. Along with your alcoholic father, you would have been a prime 'double bind' victim. I wrote a story in a recent post about my stepdaughter (T). Her father turned into a raging alcoholic, which is what kept me there. I was so worried for those children. I stayed for them (and the dog but I keep that low key) at the expense of myself.

At one time her father would have helped me to help T. While he was drinking, well, the alcohol was more important. Always. I think that alcoholics act like narcs too, they just aren't focussed on themselves, they are focussed on the bottle. The bottle means everything to them.

When T looked for a sense of order in the house, she went to me. I heard through a friend that when I eventually did leave the house T did everything she could to emulate me in the household. Tried to restore order in an extremely toxic environment. While I was there, she had someone to go to help her 'order' her system' When she tried to do it on her own it would have been too big for her. If it was too big for me??? .... *heavy sigh*. My guess is that after repeated failed attempts at bringing order externally, she would have had to have built that system inside of her because she would have constantly been in conflict. I will refrain from calling myself a selfish bitch for having left those children. It is still background noise for me.

Your mother, I am assuming, is narc'ish. And she is bringing up a shitload of conflicting things in you right now. So understandable. Parts must be flying all over the place because in one part of your life there is the peaceful mother trying to keep things together and then you have these narc affected parts flying all over the place due to the interactions you have been having with your mother. The fact that you are keeping it together at all is nothing short of a miracle. My heart goes out to you. I do get the sense though that your narc affected pieces are quite activated right now. Is that fair to say? If so, I just want to pay homage to my friend (you), who is doing such an incredible job even though she (you) probably don't see it that way right now.

Now I know there is a SELF energy underneath them.

Then that is the part you focus on. Your sense of self. Makes no difference if it is an EP/ANP or a peanut butter sandwich. Focus on it, feed it, grow it. Go with your gut.

something most people don't really want to talk about.

But many people attach to as well. As far as my spirituality in all of this? Most people would lock me up for the things that I believe these days. I am always happy to chat about how this (for me) very important element has played a critical role in my healing.

...that people don't think this possibility for living exists.

I find this sad too. Just as I find it sad when people post about how they have gained a 'richness' or certain attributes due to PTSD and people start attacking them mercilessly. My shaman told me one day when I was dealing with this stuff, a story about a pail full of crabs. One crab is focussed on climbing out and the other crabs are focussing on trying to pull it back in. I, like you, am that crab. I am getting out. I don't care what it takes.

My hat is off to you, my friend. Onwards! :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[shimmerz]

the self is these things: So, the eight Cs of self-leadership include: calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness.

Do you mind posting this in the SD thread? It seems really, really important to reference as a goal for integration. We speak about all of the chaos in SD, but it would be really nice to be able to reference this. Or I wonder if a new post with SD in the title where we can celebrate each of these things as we 'taste' them as we heal? What do you think?

 

[Hope4Now]

I did not go to see my mother yesterday.
I had planned to. And I had told her I would get things from the store to bring her (key things she really needs). I forgot about that, completely. That scares me.
Then I watched a movie with my daughter and I slept for three hours. There was a message on my phone at night from my mother that zinged me far worse than her anger would have. She sounded so small and so kind..."I guess you couldn't make it over here today. I'm just calling to let you know that that's okay and I'll talk to you tomorrow."
This is sending me over the edge. I didn't sleep much last night. This is the part of her that always sucks me back into her web. I am trying to keep it in context of the larger picture.

Her brother had a prime quote for me yesterday: "She has lived a good life. She loves you very much, and she never has and never would do anything to hurt you."

No wonder my brain is exploding.

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words @shimmerz. I am going to look for what you posted about T (I didn't see that) and read about the double-bind thing. After I go to Easter service and afternoon family meal stuff.

Makes no difference if it is an EP/ANP or a peanut butter sandwich.

:D:D:roflmao::roflmao: This made me laugh. Thank you, thank you. I need to laugh more! It really helps!
BTW, the movie I watched yesterday was the first The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I highly recommend it. It is all about new beginnings. I swear that movie alone was better than all the prozac in the world for me. I think I'm ready to trash the meds and go for some laugh and movie therapy. I can't wait to see the new one!

Most people would lock me up for the things that I believe these days. I am always happy to chat about how this (for me) very important element has played a critical role in my healing.

Yep, me too on the locked up! :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:. I'm going more traditional today...to the UU church we've attended forever. It is a christian UU church (which is rather odd in and of itself and there are all sorts of people there...athiests, wiccans, etc.) And we'll sing my favorite Easter hymn and we'll have a talk from a folklorist about the origins of the Easter rituals etc. and a sermon from the minister about something politically important. I haven't been to church for months and I am not looking forward to the attention I will draw, but I am going to go anyway and just try to be me.

Do you mind posting this in the SD thread?

Yes this is a good idea. It's from the Center for Self-Leadership that I posted a while back. I'll stick it on there later today. Now I have to dredge up something suitable to wear for church.

 

[shimmerz]

I am going to look for what you posted about T

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/abusive-kissing.52423/

 

[Hope4Now]

I will refrain from calling myself a selfish bitch for having left those children. It is still background noise for me.

You are not this at all, dear Shimmerz. We have to do what we have to do and you gave her solstice and an anchor to hold onto while you were there. She will always carry this with her. You know the research about children...even in the most abusive of situations, if they have a connection--even a brief one--with someone who truly cares for them and they trust, they have much better lives overall. I didn't have this except with one teacher for one year when I was in the 9th grade. She made an enormous impact on me. Even though she "abandoned" me (she was 22 and went off to graduate school), I've never forgotten how I felt when I was with her and all that she taught me about love and hope and spirituality.