Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Today I am somewhat better. The totally intense dissociative experiences, especially with my body, have calmed down some, or at least I am getting used to the idea that I can still function somehow (even though all my body parts have separated and seem to be floating in space around me. I did not take the risperidol last night. I don't think it was the drug that was causing the issue. I think I am just in an odd place in my system right now...and it is trying to tell me something and I can't seem to listen properly.

I made it to the poetry festival today! All day. I skipped the night event though. It was good. I signed up too late to get to any of the workshops, but I took my daughter to a poetry slam that was quite good, then we saw Charles Simic and David Rivard read which was great. Then she got bored and went home. I went to a seminar on gender non-conformity in poetry, then went to a class on letting parts speak through poems by the wonderful and quirky Mark Doty.

Again I have had the experience that poets, and artists, are just regular people. They are like me. They are not some kind of gods. I can do my creative work. Some people will like it, some people won't. What is important is that I do the work rather than just think about it, and that I put it out there. I have just entered two poems, two photos, and a sculpture into a juried arts festival that will happen in July. What the hell? Why not? This is a good shift for me--just not caring a huge amount what the response will be. Because I know some of it will be good. The stuff I do interests people, and I've had some good feedback. So, why not? If I am shaping my new life into the life of an artist, this is what I have to do anyway. So I'm starting small, and expecting little. It feels like a huge step that I have actually submitted work. AND put prices on the framed photographs. Yikes.

I returned from the festival, climbed in bed, and totally lost time. I slept and had visions. When I woke, I thought it was probably 7:30. It was 10:30. We were meant to have my husband's birthday dinner tonight (a dinner he was cooking), but they postponed it. Nobody woke me up. While that was nice not to be disturbed, it also makes me feel terribly guilty.

The vision, or journey, or whatever it was I had tonight before I got out of bed was intense. I didn't intend it to happen. I think I have a part that drives this stuff. Perhaps it is the only way for me to heal. I don't know. What i do know is that I am experiencing some really weird shit from the spiritual realm. And I really, really need a guide in human form who understands this stuff and can help me manage it. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist are open to listening to these visisons, but I'm not sure they can help me in the way I need. I am connected sort of with a shaman, the one who led the class I took a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if she is someone I ought to seek further connection with. What I really need is a shaman who is also a trauma therapist. Someone who can help me untangle this stuff, because much of it is related to my own issues and healing. But then again, perhaps I'm meant to follow this part of the path myself. I know what the vision meant. I know what all of them mean. The messages are very clear. It's just that how they translate into my current life now are not. Perhaps I will seek guidance from the people in my online course. Yet I feel very self-conscious, ashamed almost, to talk in any detail about any of this. I don't know why. I think it goes back to the responses of my parents and teachers when I talked about these things when I was very young.

So...now that I've slept and visioned and rested for 5 hours, I am wide awake and it is time to go to bed. Argh. I have f*cked up my intended routine big time. Oh well. Maybe I will clean my desk so I can do some of the art works that appeared to me in my vision. What a crazy screwy life I'm stuck inside. But at least the suicidal parts have gone quiet for now. I'm grateful for that.

 

[Hope4Now]

I finally went to bed at 3 AM. Cleaned up some of my desk. Will do more today.

I had terrible nightmares and night terrors that woke me up yelling repeatedly. I suppose I must not have been yelling very loud though, or maybe not even in the external world, because my husband slept through all of it. I know in the morning when I was still having nightmares, or perhaps they were flashbacks (it is hard to tell the difference sometimes when the content is related to my memories)...I know I was talking out loud because I could hear myself and see my body moving. So I suppose they were flashbacks.

I seem to have more of these the more rested I get. It is very weird.

I think there is big stuff brewing inside. Whether it is more memory (oh please no), or just that the exiled parts are surfacing more over the protector parts, I'm not sure. I think writing my book stuff and starting to talk a little about my experiences with my therapist is riling everything up. But it does need to be riled up so I can release some of it. It is festering inside me. I really do wish I could cry. Every once in a while I do, so I know it's possible. I know it would help me.

Perhaps today, instead of returning to the festival, I will do some restorative yoga. There are a couple of positions that seem to help me release something, and I feel lighter for a while afterward.

I gave my husband the book, The Sum of My Parts, to read. With my marginalia. I did this with The Magic Daughter too. It's one of the only ways I can help him understand what is going on with me. Because while he is sympathetic, I think he also believes that this psychotherapy is making me worse. And I also think he is very dubious about the concept of parts.

I kind of want to go away and be by myself for awhile. An impossible thing to do if I stay in my house. I am gathering my camping gear. Searching for a place I could go that would be secluded enough for me, but not too far from home because I need to keep seeing my therapy people.

This week I will get my Reiki 1 certification. I have been wanting to do this for many years. I have spoken to several reiki masters about my issues and all of them have said it is fine to go forward with it, just that I might consider carefully when I use it on other people until I'm further down my healing path (because really, one must be in SELF to be effective).

Also, I think on Friday I will get to try the equine therapy thing. I had a sort of intake on the phone with the therapist. Very short. But even on that, she asked, "Have you been diagnosed with DID?" I have not. My therapist is working with the PTSD with dissociation diagnosis and Major Depressive Disorder (which sounds so depressing). The psychiatrist hasn't shared her label and I haven't yet asked.

 

[KwanYingirl]

The reiki, the Watsu, and therapeutic riding all great healing tools.

 

[Hope4Now]

I just dragged myself up off the kitchen floor. I went down around 2 hours ago. I don't think anyone knew, but I don't know. My husband and daughter are asleep. I am going to aim for bed. It has been a rough day. I had a "flashback" or something or other earlier today--incredibly intense. Some ugly stuff related to my mother coming up. But I rallied out of it with some self-care and ativan. My husband was here. Asking all sorts of pointed questions about what happened. I kept saying "why do you want to know?" and he said "because I love you." I didn't want to couldn't talk much. Then I was okay. Then I went and bought stuff for his birthday and we had dinner at in-laws. All fine. Then I came home and went down.

There are ugly and unmentionable things emerging in my consciousness. I feel very, very, very alone. Very vulnerable. Worse than vulnerable actually. Just raw. Opened up. So needy. So needy that there isn't anyone or anything that can help me.

This, I think, is the core of PTSD. I hate it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Me too. You are suffering. I'm so sorry and I can't think of much advice for you. It kind of sounds like your parts want to be acknowledged and validated but your brain, in response, reverts back to the good ole days and you just drop. What ever became of Mr Famous Doctor? The zen skill would be noticing what you are feeling in your body, naming it but not judging, then bring forth love and reassurance. Memories are that. Memories. Now you are safe and have many people to support you unlike back then when your brain did the right thing for the time.
And if you're anything like me, you've heard this over and over and over. Ack! Time for a vacation in some warm tropical place where you get waited on and can just sleep in the sun. If I don't get a day at the beach soon, I'm going bonkers.
Namaste.

 

[shimmerz]

Is there a part of you that can see if you are pushing yourself too much Hope?

 

[Hope4Now]

What ever became of Mr Famous Doctor?

I divorced him. Decided even though he is super smart, he is way to coldly professional. And totally NOT worth paying privately at $400 per hour. Give me a break! I have a new person now who I like a lot, and my insurance covers her. She is really nice. Warm, kind, communicative. I feel like I am talking to a real person. And she gets the wacky spiritual stuff, which is cool. I am seeing her once a week for an hour...just starting. I think she is trying very hard to figure me out. She asked to see some of my art and my writing. The bonus, says my thinking brain, is that she treats many children, so I think my kid parts are interested.

And if you're anything like me, you've heard this over and over and over. Ack!

Yep. Sometimes I think I will punch my therapist if he says to me one more time, "it's a practice." But, sigh...that's a part. I have parts that are very resistant to all of this work.

Time for a vacation in some warm tropical place where you get waited on and can just sleep in the sun.

Yes. I need to go somewhere where I can just sleep for a while and have no responsibilities at all. I cannot create that in my current situation. I have tried.

see if you are pushing yourself too much Hope?

Probably. But I simply can't figure out how not to. Way too many interesting things to do in this world. That's really the problem for me. I have different parts that want to do different things, but I'm stuck in one body so I can't do it all. And that causes wars inside. Either I freeze up and do nothing and feel like shit about it, or I dive into something deeply and then feel shitty because I didn't do all the other things, or I try to do a whole bunch of things and I feel shitty either because I don't do any of them well, or I just crash myself out. Somehow I have to settle on some kind of routine I can sustain. But I cannot seem to do it. I have been working on this for almost a year.

I seriously can't seem to figure out how to live my life these days. I think that's where one of the suicidal parts comes in...it can't see a way out of all this inner war.
But even as I write that, what @KwanYingirl said floats up into consciousness...noticing, not judging, bringing love. Yep. Have to return to that.

 

[Hope4Now]

I think maybe a hospital stay might not be a bad idea for me at the moment. I can't believe I am even writing this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

remember that we must be willing to be uncomfortable for a while if we wish to be released from whatever has bound us. (Understanding the Enneagram, 361)

Thank you so much for saying this Hope!!!! I need this on my fridge. Very insightful and helpful.

I am slowly catching up on your diary.:hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

Not hospital maybe. Camping I think. I think I need to go camping. By myself. Somewhere quiet. For like a week.
I need to be like the animals Peter Levine talks about. Need to just hole up somewhere and shake it all out.

The problem is that the wiser part of me says that I ought not do this by myself. I am an animal, but a human one. I have lovely animal guides, but I think I ought to have an actual person watching over me.

So, the ideal would be for me to dive into my warm sleeping bag and hole up for a week. But have a kind and understanding person watch over me to make sure I am okay and don't do anything stupid. I wish my mentor from Arizona would transport herself out here and fill this job. I don't think that is going to work though. Because whenever there are people around, I can't really relax. I just dissociate.

It would be nice if I could find a place where I could do what I need to do. Nice if there were a hospital for traumatized people where they don't strip search you and take your vitals twice a day and push drugs at you. Or make you attend stupid seminars that teach you about mindfulness and all sorts of things I already know about. Where instead there were just really kind and understanding people who can give hugs or rub your back if you're having a rough go of it, instead of having nurses tell the LMH people "oh she'll be fine just leave her alone" when I've gone all catatonic. Sigh.

I think I know what I need. I just can't seem to make it happen.

I am truly in a catch-22.

But I think I am going to go camping anyway. I have a place I can go. And I can use the house if I need to. Still thinking on this.

 

[shimmerz]

I would invite myself but the people in the US of A think I am still there illegally (I found out last week). I won't be crossing any borders until I get that straightened up. Any chance of being able to come his side of the border? Or are you set on where you want to be?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'd volunteer for the kindness duty, but the black flies are out and I'm allergic to DEET and black fly bites. I enthusiastically support a check out session.

As far as meds are concerned, are you still taking risperidol? I've been on atypical antipsychotics for 13 years. I've taken all of them and finally landed on Geodon. They saved my life. Before them my depression and anxiety were resulting in constant states of suicidality and cutting. I also had severe tremors. I was in the emergency stage of breaking my silence of sexual abuse and it nearly killed me. I ended up in ERs getting charcoal smoothies how lovely. All they had to do is give me my sleeping pills. But I was chugging them to calm my system down. The Geodon was my magic bullet. My tremors are hardly noticeable my depression is at level 5 instead of 10, and it makes my thinking productive. I can work two hours, then take three off and nap, then go back for another two hours. And that keeps me in my adult, competent identity. Then I go home and crash. Anywho, the only side effect I have is weight gain because I crave junk food. This coming from a former strictly macrobiotic diet. My children were in high school and I had to get them into good colleges. I couldn't do that without a mind altering drug.

I've tried to get off it because I gained a lot f weight, but the tremors interfere with my work. I'd say the side effect I don't like is that I can't cry. I wish I could just cry all day sometimes but I'm unable to.

In conclusion, my idea of camping is a five star hotel in the Carribean...