Strange Star

[Hope4Now]

Yeah, I practice skills and then they go right out the window.

Me too. I guess that is the practice. Just to keep coming back to them even after they've gone out the window.
The issue for me is finding a strategy (because really, in my opinion, they're not skills until they're skills. They're just random strategies that you have to practice until they become skills...I used to talk about this regarding academic "skills" for students...skill implies you can actually do something with reasonable ease...). I keep searching for things I enjoy doing. I have a bunch, but when things are bad, I can't get myself to do them. Can't even watch a movie for god's sake. But...I bought this bounce chair thing, and I have been bouncing frantically in that and it does seem to dispel the energy a little, even for a short time after I stop.

So keep searching and playing with different strategies. I should post a blog on all the crazy things I've tried, from knitting and beading, to scribbling with crayons, to play-dough, to ripping up paper, to hitting rocks with sticks (THAT is quite satisfying...you might try that one...get a big stick and slam it on the rock repeatedly--or on any hard surface that will destroy the stick instead of your body). If I can get to a beach or a river, I like to throw rocks at rocks. Lots of violence stuck in me. Blech. Anyway, I have no clue whether any of this is helpful to you. I am learning, though, slowly, that doing something really destructive (and of course thanking the poor rocks or sticks or whatever it is I destroy) that takes a lot of physical energy helps. Of course, if anybody SEES you doing it, that's another issue. So I'm always searching for a private place to destroy things. Argh. My newest idea is hammering nails into a big piece of wood. But that requires me to purchase nails and wood which I have not yet done. THAT I can do in my house, at least.

So...am writing this to you and to me at the same time. To remind me. Because today is getting bad fast.

 

[Hope4Now]

This is what I need to remember, I suppose:

 

[sun seeker]

I am noticing a trend here with you for this time of year.

Good memory!

I am remembering having a really tough time around this time last year, too. That's one thing writing all this stuff down does for us. :-)

 

[Hope4Now]

My therapist just called me to see how I was doing after our appointment yesterday. He said I did very courageous work. For once, I agree. It was rough. My brain felt like it was exploding at least a dozen times. It probably was, at least in the neural connections. Heavy attempt. In IFS terms, I was "retrieving" a part that is stuck in one of my most traumatic moments, one of the "recovered memory" moments (which, because it is so very, very fragmented is really hard). My understanding is that sometimes we have to "retrieve" parts from where they are stuck and bring them into the present with the person we are now so that we can work on processing what happened to them. My intellect gets this totally, but still the idea makes me dizzy and nauseous. But it is time for me to do this work. I am determined. I don't want to be stuck in "Phase 1" (stabilization) of trauma therapy forever.

It was extra hard because we tried to do this work last year sometime, and the one part that was stuck split into three parts--one who managed to come with me. One managed to get out of the bed and is in the bedroom closet in that room. And one is still in the bed. Still stuck in that moment when I exploded from two parts into three...and it went on from there.

I did some of the work. It was very messy and hard. And we had to stop before the actual retrieval. And I don't even know if I was really doing what I was meant to be doing. It is all so surreal. And worse, I couldn't actually help that part of me because the me that was there in that space was yet another part--a part with no arms or legs (a part I am familiar with) and I couldn't do it without help. And I asked my therapist to help me, but he said he was helping by "holding space" for me to do this work. He suggested I call on my spirit guides. A bunch of stuff came in between, but one guide did show up very powerfully, and I was so happy. But even the guide couldn't do what needed to be done. Then, suddenly, I realized I could use my shapeshifting skills and become the bear...and I felt almost elated. But before I could even become the bear, the session was over.

I don't know and I haven't asked whether it ended because it was time (although we often go over time when I meet him at 11 because he has lunch after usually), or whether it was problematic that I was doing this weird shapeshifting thing which is often a form of dissociation for me. I don't know if it was an issue. I suppose I will sort it out on Monday. I have tried to "be with" the bear, and that stuck part, since the appointment, but I can't get there.

And this new medicine is making me feel that dead feeling again. Like a lot of the other meds I've taken. SSRIs, SNRIs, atypical antipsychotics. I will give it another few days and see what happens. I actually want it to help. Apparently, they give it to children with autism sometimes and it helps them to speak. That is one of my huge issues--I seem to be unable to talk about any of this stuff even though my parts are desperate to speak out. I have wildly strong, rigid, violent protector parts that absolutely refuse to let me speak. And on the occasion that I do manage to spit out some things, I get terrible backlash from them.

But I am determined to do this work. I have to. I am deep in the storm of it. The walls are crumbling. My therapist told me one time that I'm like the little boy with his finger stuck in the hole of the dam, trying to hold back the flood. I've been vaguely successful in holding back the flood but it is coming out through all the cracks in the walls.

More and more memories are emerging. So much I can't even keep track of them. Onslaught.

 

[shimmerz]

Can you practice calling your spirit animals when you are 'well-er' Hope? I found that I had to practice over and over and over again until it became second nature to me when I was feeling out of it. My Creepy Shaman Chick beat that lesson into me over and over again.

Also, those three days that I was driving towards your place (when I was totally out of it), the first thing I asked the SO to do (when I could actually write again (I was mute the whole time)) was to stop and get a Lilac candle. Lilac is a scent that grounds me big time. I am playing with essential oils right now and they are really helping me (there is some concern about health issues related to fragrance oils which are neurotoxins), Apparently the oils heal as well as go right to the brain rather than through the body. I used to find that when I was 'dropping' while out I used to stop into drug stores and 'smell stuff' naturally and it would ground me just enough that I could function again. I realize now, that I did this because smell is the easiest grounding tool for the brain to process (sense-wise).

Just a suggestion. Not sure if it helps.

And please, be easy on yourself. It is really important through times like this that you not push too hard. Not that I think you are a type A when it comes to moving through this stuff..... ;) but please, remember that you are very human and have limits. :eek: I know, truth hurts.

Much love my friend. :hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wish I was a person that craved an intense workout to dispel negative thoughts. I like to hide under my duvet. I am making some progress towards self compassion. Bottom line is I am facing getting an upper denture which means I have to have my remaining upper teeth extracted, all at once with only lidocaine, because I can't afford to be put under for it. I have ground my teeth to tiny cracked chicklets. Since I was strangled, I have a profound dental phobia. Tuesday I had impressions done and I thought I would die. I didn't of course. I have told my denturist about my traumas and she has been very compassionate. I had myself tied up in knots for a week leading up to it. And a total lack of awareness that I was phobic. It wasn't until today that I figured it out. All that time in hell to spend. I also dreaded the chemicals used to manufacture them as I am allergic to many chemicals. So she gave me a piece of one and I taped it to my wrist (the one that only has a couple scars) and then kept it in my mouth for an hour. No reaction=reduced anxiety. You are so right about skills!! I guess I could refer to them as goals.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wish I was a person that craved an intense workout to dispel negative thoughts. I like to hide under my duvet.

I'm about as far from craving intense workouts as anybody. I much prefer to huddle in my covers. But I mention it because when I make myself do the physical stuff, it does actually help.

I am so sorry about the dental work. I feel deeply compassionate. I have major dental phobia. From having unanesthetized oral surgery as a kid. Ugh. I worry myself sick before the dentist and I do everything I can to stay in control when I am there. You'd think, with all these dissociative capacities, I could dissociate to some kind of numbness, but it doesn't work like that.

I wish you well, my friend. Just do keep reminding yourself that you are not going to die in that chair. That you are doing this to help yourself. That you will feel better when it is over--both proud of yourself and pleased with your new look and feel.

Much love to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Well isn't this just the f*cking understatement of the universe:

Type Five EnneaThought for April 29th
No matter what your type, remember that we must be willing to be uncomfortable for a while if we wish to be released from whatever has bound us. (Understanding the Enneagram, 361)

 

[Hope4Now]

I woke up this morning feeling like I played in a rugby tournament yesterday. I know what this feels like because I used to play rugby. The only difference is that nothing is broken or sprained, and I have not played rugby for 30 years. I do not know why I feel like this. I slept for 6 hours, which is pretty good for me.

So, is it in my head? Is it because I started to read a really good memoir about a woman who has DID and fibromyalgia? (It is very well written, but the facts of what happened to her are very hard to read. It is utterly resonant with my own experience of meltdown and dissociation, but the author suffered far more devasatating trauma over a far longer period of time than I.)

Or is it because of what I ate yesterday? (I don't think so...it wasn't that unusual).

Or is it that this risperidol has hit?

Or is it that I took a double-dose of gabapentin by accident yesterday and I have an anti-convulsant hangover?

Or is it these nagging dark and ugly things are stirring in my memory?

Or is it that it occurred to me yesterday that I think my psychiatrist and my therapist might have very different approaches to healing from trauma and it has brought to the surface of my consciousness my own doubts and fears about the work I am doing?

Or am I getting sick?

I have not a clue. I just feel really crappy in my muscles. Every single one. And today I had been planning to attend the annual state poetry festival which goes all weekend. And I'm not sure I'm going to make it which makes me very disappointed.

I hate PTSD and I hate fibromyalgia.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Can only relate concerning resperidol. I took it for several years and it helped me vey much. Only side effect was a 50 pound weight gain. Blah!

 

[Hope4Now]

Bingo. Answer. I am really really really dissociated today. And aware of it. Which is good I think? :banghead::banghead::banghead:
I am going to bed and maybe the psychedelics will cease. :bag:

 

[Hope4Now]

The psychedelics continue though I am out of bed and doing some basic things. managing to blather out some comunicative words to my family. I am really really out of it today. Not in my body. Not even close And my body is doing bizarre things like dismembering and floating off with its limbs of different sizes and shapes...one was even a dog's paw. This is part ot the shit that makes me feel crazy. I see all this stuff but I can't seem to pull it together.

Psych doc says it is not the new med but to stop anyway for a few days. That's all. So I am just going with the weirdness and hoping maybe it will create some meaning for me. But I'm bummed that I was in no condition to go to the festival today which I look forward to throughtout the year. Hoping maybe tomorrow will be better.

The good thing is that everything is so floaty and weird that the suicidal stuff is just rather vague. Held the knfe agan tonight but didn't quite know how to use it to any effect, so gave up and threw it back in the drawer. If this was a black comedy, people would be laughting at my character. Sigh.

It is rather an intriguing experience though to watch your body do bizarre things. I feel as if I am locking into a bad sci fi film where some alien substance changes the dimensionality and connection of normal things. I am doing my best to hang onto normal. I cleaned all four of my fishies tanks just now. So that's a good thing.

I cannot drive, or have a decent conversation out loud, but I am posting here, so that is a good thing.

This is all freaking me out. I think I have had this stuff before in bits and pieces, but never so intensely or for so long.